


She Used To Be Mine

by spasticandviolent



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 10:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5087710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spasticandviolent/pseuds/spasticandviolent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And yeah, Amy’s there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn’t. She’s whispering ‘sorrys’ and things like ‘we’ll do this together’ and although Karma knows they can’t possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here I am again. Starting a bit of a project here. This has been in the works for a few months now, and all the credit to this actually being something you can read goes to lazarus_girl - for all the help/ideas/making sure I didn’t throw it away. At this point, it’s also sort of fulfilling a prompt I came across a few weeks ago, so here you are to whoever requested.
> 
> A fill of [this](http://fakingitfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/131120104197/request-for-a-story-where-liam-gets-karma-pregnant) first request over at @fakingitfanfiction

_It’s not simple to say_

_That most days I don’t recognize me_

It really fucking figures that her entire high school career would go down in flames like this. As if the whole 'faking it fiasco' (as she so fondly thinks of it now) wasn't enough - the two lines on the stick sitting on the side of her parents tub is really just the _perfect_ intro to her senior year.

“Fuck,” is all she can really manage and then she hears the shuffling of feet just outside the bathroom door.

“Everything okay in there, honey?” Molly’s voice rings through the solid oak door.

There are definitely times she can appreciate how much her parents tend to worry about her aura or whatever - this is not one of those times. Sometimes, she wonders if she’d like it if her parents were more like Farrah and Bruce… and shit she’s going to have to tell Amy. Amy, who has never even remotely approved of her using Liam for some sexual release, is going to be so disappointed.

She’s pretty sure she can handle the disappointment from anyone else, but Amy’s disappointment is going to just kill her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. The, um … sea asparagus just didn’t agree with my stomach,” literally just the name ‘sea asparagus’ kind of makes Karma wanna hurl up her whatever part of that dinner she managed to ingest. Instead, she shoves the nasty pee stick into a bag and up her sleeve. There’s no way in hell she’s letting her mom get wind of this just yet.

She opens the door to find her mom leaning against the opposite wall; Karma eyes her warily. “Do you think I should mention to your father that we got a contaminated batch? We had that mailed in from the coast - you know that samphire is hard to find in Austin.”

It’s not even that she thinks her mom’s going to be _mad_ per se, if anything, Molly and Lucas will probably be all about human reproduction and Zen will gloat about all of the dreams she’s never going to get to accomplish.

Well, Karma decides Zen can go fuck himself.

“You’re sure everything’s okay, Karma?” for once her mom seems sincere, and it snaps her out of whatever trance she’d just been lost in.

She nods. “It’s fine. I just… I’m gonna go to Amy’s – we have a test tomorrow.”

“Good luck, I’ll look over some of the tea leaves tonight for signs of your success, dear.”

Her mom is so fucking absurd sometimes that it pretty much horrifies her that she could be exposing a new life to her childhood all over again.

But what’s she really supposed to do?

She has no job.

She has no steady boyfriend.

She has no real college plans yet - she’d been fucking around on the FAFSA website for hours the other night, but it’s really goddamn hard to find financial aid when her parents have virtually no legal income, and therefore no tax information to present to the government.

Sure, Liam has money, but she still has yet to fill him in on this catastrophe they’ve created. Yeah, Liam’s about to become a daddy. They’re not dating; they just kind of… fuck around still. A lot less than sophomore year, but still more than she knows they should. She’s at least ninety percent positive that he’s going to be less than impressed with the news since he has a steady girlfriend now - one that his father genuinely approves of. Some little rich bitch he met on a business trip for Skwerkel.

Karma thinks it’s pretty ironic that the business he became a part of to bail her family out of jail is where he ended up meeting the new ‘love of his life.’ She should’ve just left well enough alone and let Liam move on – but she’s never really been any good at being alone. She’s basically always been part of a twosome. It was Amy&Karma against the world for the first fifteen years of her life - and it’s been Liam off and on since then.

Mostly, she finds him when Amy’s found a new girlfriend to occupy herself with, and three months ago she found him while Amy was out with Madison celebrating their six month anniversary. And yes, she’s entirely prepared to ignore thinking about why it bothers her so much when Amy’s out and she’s sitting at home thinking about Amy’s hands on some other girls’-

Nope.

Karma’s been blowing off that train of thought for the last year and a half, so it’s totally not getting brought to light now in the middle of the rest of this shitstorm.

* * *

 

Somehow, in the midst of all of her convoluted thinking, she got herself to Liam’s front door. She meant to go to Amy’s, but just the thought of the look on her best friend’s face is making her queasy. She decides she’s definitely not ready to face the real thing.

Not yet, anyway.

The door swings open to reveal Liam and Victoria (the little rich bitch) and Karma just sort of rolls her eyes at how very _Booker_ she really is. They’ve met a few times in passing, and she always wants to just rip those fake lashes right off-

“Karma, hey, what’re you doing here?” he smiles, but his tone says otherwise. Liam has a way of managing to keep the two women in his life very separate and he’s expressed his dislike of Karma ever even trying to mingle.

As if she ever would, really.

“I was just wondering if we could talk?” Victoria narrows her eyes at Karma’s words in a way that reminds her very much of a territorial Reagan of times gone by. “Alone,” she adds with a smirk (yeah, that one was just for her own amusement).

Liam, however, is _not_ amused.

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow. This really couldn’t wait?”

“It really can’t.”

He basically shoots her the look of death before turning to Victoria to mumble a few words that earn him a huff and some hair whipped in his face as she turns to leave. She doesn’t bother with ‘goodbye’ and Karma is once again reminded that Liam is dating the biggest bitch she’s ever had the “pleasure” of coming in contact with.

He waves her in after that and she meanders through the layout of his confusing creepy mansion-house to the kitchen where he hands her a bottle of water. Even drinking water right now is making her want to spew.

“She seems great.”

“She is,” Liam’s curt and cold and nothing like he is when he knows he’s getting laid. Karma really just wants to take the pen off the island in front of her and stab him in the eyeball with it.

Suddenly, she understands how Amy has always felt about him.

“What did you need, Karma? I’m really not in the mood to have sex right now.”

“Oh? Feeling some of that old Booker integrity?”

He looks slightly taken aback but recovers with, “Hey, you come to me for sex, it’s not the other way around.”

“You have _never_ once objected,” she hisses. How dare he? For half of a second she misses sixteen-year-old Liam that was virtuous and hated lying. She misses the Liam that hated everything about his family.

It feels just like he’s one of them now.

Karma wonders if it’s her fault – but she really can’t be burdened with ruining his life _and_  fucking up this baby’s life too.

This kid is so fucked.

“You never give me the chance to object.”

“Never give you the chance?!” she’s fucking floored by his accusations and the fact that he’s acting like he hasn’t _always_ been a willing participant. He’s always responded without hesitation to her lame attempts at some sort of seduction. He’s always the first one tugging at belts and buttons. “Are you fucking kidding me, Liam? You’re ready to go before I even get my boots off half the time.”

“Fine, look, Victoria wanted to wait a few months to ‘get to know me’ before she’d have sex with me so I was kind of in a dry spell and you were there and willing-”

It’s the first time she’s ever slapped someone.

She can’t say the stinging sensation on her palm and fingers doesn’t feel like some small bit of victory.

“Maybe I deserved that,” he’s holding his cheek with his left hand as he sits himself on the padded stool at the island. “But I was just telling you the truth.”

“I don’t- god, I feel so… Liam, I’m pregnant.”

There it is. The three words she never really wanted to say out loud. She’s been dreading them in a way she can’t really describe.

He raises his eyebrows and surprises her when he starts laughing. “You’re what? No, you’re not.”

Karma takes the seat next to him and lays her head in her hands to conceal the tears threatening to fall. This whole thing has actually been the exact opposite of what she wanted to happen. If there was some sort of ‘worst-case scenario’ she imagined – well, this is it.

“Do you really think I came over here to fight with you and tell you a lie?”

“You can’t be… you can’t be pregnant. We use condoms.”

And yeah, she thought so too because she distinctly remembers _the_ night and she remembers reaching into her drawer for it, and she even remembers handing it to him. It’s only now, when she looks over at him, does she remember what happened.

“You didn’t that night,” Liam looks at her, his face full of confusion, so she continues, “I handed it to you, you dropped it in the shuffle, and we got so caught up we kind of… forgot about it.”

Karma watches his eyes widen in realization and feels kind of bad when he clearly doesn’t know what to say. She can’t really blame him – she spent all day trying to formulate the words.

There’s a few heavy moments of silence and it’s not lost on her that this is the longest amount of time they’ve spent together in over a year that hasn’t involved some sort of foreplay or sex. The idea of any sort of sex with him ever again makes that nasty nauseous feeling come back – apparently, the little fetus growing in there doesn’t approve of that thought either.

“You need to say something,” she finally says. Liam startles in a way she’s not used to.

“It’s simple right? I mean you’re not… you can’t keep it.”

A second slap doesn’t seem unwarranted, but she holds back in a way that her peace-loving mother might applaud her for. “What exactly are you suggesting?”

“I can’t have a kid right now, Karma. _Cannot_ , okay? I’m in the running for a promotion after we graduate, I have Victoria now, I have everything going for me-”

“And I don’t?” she’s never felt rage consume her in the way she does in this very moment. Liam is such a verifiable piece of shit and she’s suddenly really disgusted with herself for the past two years worth of actions.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what _did_ you mean? Because it sounds like you have a bright shining future and you can’t be _inconvenienced_ with this.”

He reaches out for her hand, but she swats him away and stands to pace the kitchen that now feels like it’s the size of a fucking football field. How big does one’s kitchen really need to be anyway? The one at her house is like a quarter of this size and she thinks it does just fine. She hopes this kid can appreciate the little things because she doesn’t see them being rich like this anytime soon.

“I just- we’re eighteen years old, we’re not even together. We can’t raise a kid. Look what happened with my mom…sister…whatever… do you really think my parents will let this happen?”

“ _Your_ parents have no choice about what happens with _my_ body,” Karma thinks her tone makes it clear, but the look on his face seems like maybe not so much. She hopes the baby has more Ashcroft genes than Booker or she’s gonna be completely screwed.

Ugh, fuck, what a person to procreate with.

Liam stands, glances at the ground, then at her and steels his face. It feels a bit like doomsday.

“Karma, I’ll pay to have this taken care of,” he offers, and it feels like her heart sinks right into her own stomach acid. “But if you choose to have this kid – I cannot and will not support it. There’s no way my parents will let me ruin my future, not after everything my dad’s done. Not after taking me from my mom to give us both futures. I just can’t.”

She knows those words will ring through her head for the next fifty years at least. She knows she’ll remember the look on his face and the absolute _lack_ of remorse as he uttered everything she didn’t want to hear.

* * *

 

She’ll never really remember how she got to Amy’s house or if anyone was even home to let her in. And, she’ll never remember how long she laid in Amy’s bed praying that her best friend would come walking through the door to duct tape all these jagged pieces of her life back together.

“Karma, what’re you…” the minute Amy sees her red, tear-filled eyes everything about her seems to soften. “ _Karma_ ,” and then there are arms wrapped around her shoulders and the ever familiar scent of the only person that’s ever really been there for her, without fail.

“I messed up,” she sniffles into the next round of tears. It’s the first time all day she’s really let herself cry over this. Amy just pulls her closer and shakes her head.

“It’s gonna be fine, you always blow things way out of proportion in the beginning. Okay, this is just like…” Amy pauses for an example and Karma’s heart surges with affection at the look on her face. “This is just like when you bought those shoes for prom and you picked the ones that looked better but weren’t as comfortable and you had a complete meltdown in the bathroom and then we just went back barefoot. Remember? You’re dramatic – it’s kind of your thing.”

Karma manages a tear stained smile. Only Amy.

“This is worse.”

“Worse than when you ate one of those brownies your parents made last year and ended up high for like five hours?” Amy’s trying so desperately to cheer her up. She thanks the goddamn planets for aligning and giving her this girl in the ballpit that day so many years ago.

Where would she even be without Amy?

“It’s worse than that too,” she admits as she glances around Amy’s room. A small little segment of her heart flutters at the idea of a baby sitting on Amy’s carpet, looking up at all those glow-in-the-dark stars they spent hours arranging as kids.

“Jesus, Karma, did you rob a bank?”

“More like I got pregnant… but you know… you were close,” she tries for nonchalant but Amy’s face nullifies that charade real quick.

Amy pulls back and kind of looks like the cat stole her tongue for a brief moment – and really, it’s not all that different from Liam’s face. Karma’s hoping for a better outcome after the initial shock wears off.

“How did you – no, scratch that, I know _how_ it happened, Karma. Fuck,” Amy sighs, as she flops back onto the pillow behind her. Karma follows suit as she feels a familiar lump in her throat.

She was right.

Amy’s obvious disappointment hurts worse.

“What happened?” Amy’s quieter than she was before, but she manages to ease some of Karma’s fears when she laces their fingers together.

“Liam happened.” And that’s kind of a really good sentence to encompass everything about what went wrong in her life. “I’ve been… I don’t know. I guess we never really stopped hooking up even though I told you we did.”

“From two years ago?!”

“It wasn’t like it was then. It was just sometimes when I was – lonely I guess,” she’s finally admitting the truth to her best friend and the words burn coming out of her mouth, just like she knew they would.

“Lonely?” Amy rolls over onto her side, but Karma just stays on her back, still looking at those stars. Things were so simple when they put those there. They had futures and dreams and plans. They were supposed to get pregnant at the same time after they got married to the hottest guys they could find and became neighbors.

It’s all kind of fucked now.

“You were just so busy with Madison and I – and you can date people, Amy, I mean I want you to. I’m so glad we’re past everything, and I like Madison, but sometimes I just miss having you around all the time. Liam has Victoria and Shane hates me still, and Lauren has Tyler. It’s just… it feels like I have _no one_.”

Finally, it’s all out there, but she doesn’t feel any better. In fact, she might just feel even worse.

“Just because I’m dating someone doesn’t mean you don’t have me.”

“No, I know. But, you’re busy now, in ways you weren’t before. I guess I just ran to Liam to pass the time.”

Amy lays still for a while as she runs her fingers along Karma’s palm – it’s more comforting than anything. Yeah, Karma can feel her staring too, but she can’t really bear to look over right now, it’ll hurt too much.

“How far along?”

“Three months,” she breathes out and then adds, “at least, that was the last time.”

“Wasn’t he with Victoria three months ago?”

She nods instead of responding because somehow, saying ‘yes’ to being some sort of accomplice to cheating feels really _shitty_ right now. She’s grateful that Amy seems to just know to let that one go.

“Weren’t you using-”

“Of course. He just… I handed it to him and it got lost in the shuffle of – things.”

“Right,” Amy’s never really been fond of hearing the details of her sex life. Sure, they’re really far past that whole mess, but Amy’s never been able to stop this sort of wounded expression from crossing her features at the mention of condoms, boys, and Karma all in the same sentence.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s fine,” Amy says as she clears her throat. Karma finally attempts a glance over but she can tell her eyes are still glassy. So, she does her best to keep her shit together and forces the tiniest of smiles for her best friend. “Karms, we’ll figure this out. I’ll help, Lauren and Shane will come around, your parents, Liam - we’ve got this.”

Oh, right, Amy has no idea of the outcome of the Liam conversation.

Karma reins in her emotions to attempt to get through the retelling of the biggest rejection of her entire life. “Liam’s not going to be involved.”

There’s something akin to fire that rages through Amy’s eyes. “What the _fuck_ do you mean Liam’s not going to be involved?”

Karma heaves a breath the size of Texas – she almost wonders if she should warn Liam of his impending death – and says, “He’s not interested in being involved with the baby.”

“Elaborate.”

“He…” she has to pause because this is harder than she thought it was going to be. Her voice cracks immediately when she starts again, “Amy, he wanted me to have – he said he’d _pay_ to have it taken care of,” and she breaks as soon as the words leave her mouth.

And yeah, Amy’s there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn’t. She’s whispering ‘sorrys’ and things like ‘we’ll do this together’ and although Karma knows they can’t possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.

Because she always has before.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your reception with this! I really appreciate everyone that read, commented, liked it or whatever. This one’s long but covers a lot of time and is pretty fluffy if that’s your thing.

_It’s not what I asked for_

_Sometimes life just slips in through a back door_

“There’s something I need to tell you guys,” she hears herself say it, but the words feel foreign and there’s a ringing in her ears.

Her parents look at her expectantly, and there’s that creeping sense of dread she felt the afternoon when she first saw those two lines on that _fucking_ stick. It’s been three weeks since then, and the anxiety she feels from sun up to sun down is eating at her conscience.

So, Karma knows if she waited one more minute to reveal this information, it would’ve torn her apart from the inside out. (Okay, so maybe those were Amy’s words) - but whatever, she’s giving herself credit for even being here right now, because _all_ of her better instincts are saying to put off this conversation until she’s waving goodbye as this kid drives off to his or her first day of college.

Her dad clears his throat and says, “Well, what is it, Karma?”

And then, there’s that putrid, bitter taste rising up in her throat and Amy leans over, eyes full of worry, looking every bit like she’s got the getaway right out front if they need it. She loves Amy for it, but she’s about to become a mother, now is as good a time as any to start taking responsibility for her own mistakes - no matter how much she wants that getaway car (and by that she means she’d hand over a kidney for it… you only need one of those anyway, right?)

She lets out a sigh and tightens her grip on the wooden log they’ve been sitting on for the last fifteen minutes. Karma’s said the words twice now, and she’s found it doesn’t really get any easier. It’s actually just getting harder to tell more people that Liam saw the one thing she’s known about herself for years: _she’s not good enough_.

“Are you okay?” Amy finally asks after a few more moments of silence between the four of them.

No. Of course she’s not okay.

But, instead she says, “I’m good,” not because it’s anywhere near true, but maybe if she says it enough she’ll start to believe it. Yeah, it’s hard - to muster the courage - but there’s something about Amy’s hand on her back that lends her strength, and before she knows it, she’s spilling the very truth that’s been festering like an infected wound she never really covered properly.

“I’m pregnant.”

Her dad’s smile turns into a deep set frown, her mom’s face is a mix of shock and confusion that feels like a sucker punch to the gut, and Amy’s breath catches at the words like they still hurt to hear (yeah, Karma knows that feeling).

“It’s that Booker kid, isn’t it?” her dad’s angry in a way she couldn’t have predicted and it makes her want to cling to him with apologies. But she has to let this settle, she has to give them time to process, because it’s a lot and there’s so much to consider. “Karma, I’m not a violent man, especially not since I met your mother in the summer of eighty-three, but I’m not above finding out where this boy lives if he did something to you.”

“He didn’t - I didn’t - it was a mistake, Dad.”

Amy tightens an arm around her waist and they watch as Molly whispers a few words to Lucas that visibly calm him. Karma hopes to have that one day because sure, her parents are eccentric, but they’re still the best model of love she has to focus on since her own love life basically imploded.

“Honey, I thought we talked about safe sex at our monthly family discussions?” her mom’s concern is genuine as she sits back down across from her and Amy - it makes Karma feel like a fuck up for the four hundredth time since this all began. It’s just another score in Zen’s corner (she might as well have just handed him the golden child award, it’s always been an uphill battle anyways).

Karma sighs. “We did… I should’ve been more careful.”

“I sense that Liam’s reaction wasn’t overly welcoming?”

“No,” she finally manages at the same time Amy mumbles, “I’m gonna handle him, Molly.”

“I know you will,” her mom says with a small smile before she lays a hand over Amy’s free arm. Something goes unspoken between them and Karma really doesn’t wanna know if they’re conspiring in some evil ‘get revenge on Liam’ plan. She doesn’t wanna know if Amy’s on some murder mission - she’s just so grateful that she agreed to be here for the big reveal. “Karma, what is it you want do with the baby?”

It’s odd - the difference between her mom _asking_ about the outcome of the baby and Liam _commanding_ her actions. It almost makes her consider how much simpler it would be if she could just do what Liam wanted. But, that’s never really been an option she could live with.

“I’m keeping it,” she says, resolutely. She can see Amy nod in support of her decision and for a split second she wishes there was some scientific miracle that could make this kid _theirs_ instead of half _his_ \- it’d make her entire life so much easier.

“Well, then, we’ll have a new little one to welcome to our clan, girls. New life is never a bad thing,” Molly tells them with a certainty that Karma really hopes she feels about this situation one day.

* * *

 

Everyone kept saying the morning sickness would fade after the first trimester – well, everyone was fucking wrong because she’s currently at the five-month mark and this kid has yet to cut her a legitimate break. She still spends every morning cuddling with the porcelain bowl down the hall.

“Karma, you ready?”

Yeah, Amy is right on time like she is every morning, and just like every morning before they’re probably going to be late.

“Yeah, just gimme a-“ her sentence is effectively silenced by the sound of last night’s dinner hitting the toilet bowl. She doesn’t even bother with breakfast anymore because really, what’s the point?

“I see we’re proceeding with our usual morning routine,” Amy says as she pulls Karma’s hair out of the way and runs a hand along her back.

Karma wipes at her mouth in frustration and shoves Amy playfully when she finally gets to her feet. “Shut up,” she gets out around a mouth full of toothpaste and Amy responds in kind with a wink.

She’s literally never thrown up this much in her entire life. It’s actually awful. She can’t fathom all those women who go on about how much they love being pregnant – at this rate she’s never having another one, regardless of whether she gets a boy or girl at the end of this.

“This little dude is really messing with you.”

Karma knows Amy’s totally banking on her having a boy in February, but she’s waiting until _the_ day to be surprised. Mostly, because if she finds out the sex it really solidifies the fact that she’s going to be held responsible for this little human’s well being.

And that thought is scary as all get out.

“I just hope this morning sickness doesn’t last the whole nine months,” she responds with a huff.

“I wish I could help more,” Amy says, sympathetic. So far, Amy’s been the one putting a positive spin on everything. She has been helping. She’s been more help than anyone, but somehow, seeing that flicker of concern on her face, and hearing the serious tone in her voice makes everything seem real again (and Karma’s been trying really fucking hard to ignore how very real this is).

"You're staying over this weekend, right?"

There's no real reason she has to confirm their Friday night plans. Amy’s set up camp at her house every weekend for the last two months and it's been the only thing keeping her sane since her parents turned into complete crazy people about this kid.

Her mother won't stop badgering her about the proper teas to drink during pregnancy and the proper herbs to take before labor so that she won't need an epidural.

And yeah, fuck that if her mom thinks she's doing this naturally.

"Of course I am. Who else would read him a bedtime story if I didn't stay?"

"Oh, I don't know... I mean it's probably something I could handle since I'm going to be the mom and all," Karma says with a smirk - she's baiting Amy and they both know it.

"Friday bedtime stories are our thing, Karms, it's how me and the little man bond," she responds as she places her palm gently on the small belly that's forming. Sure, it's probably the pregnancy hormones that are making her emotional, but Karma has to choke back the sensation of tears at the gesture. "And besides, I do the voices better."

"Ames, he's like the size of an artichoke. He doesn't understand the voices in the book."

"I read up on this. He'll know voices when he's out here and I want him to know who I am."

Karma laughs.

"Like he won't. You're the closest thing to-" she has to stop herself there because she worries about freaking Amy out. She has no real obligation to this baby and it's so much responsibility to be taking on at eighteen. Amy really doesn't need this in her senior year and Karma feels bad about it every single day.

Amy's quiet for a few beats, and when Karma finally looks at her again, she's met with eyes that look anything but freaked out. "Hey, I get it, okay?"

"Yeah," Karma replies softly with a nod, and lays a hand over the one that's been on her stomach.

Amy snorts and then says, "You are all belly, this is so crazy."

"You calling me fat, buttface?" she shoves that hand away and silently thanks her for lightening the mood, because she really can't handle the heavy so early in the damn morning.

"I actually thought you'd be fatter," Amy finally says as she takes off down the stairs like a mad woman, laughing the whole way.

"Yeah, run. You're lucky I can't move that fast!"

* * *

 

Amy's late.

Amy is never late on Friday afternoons and it's setting off all sorts of red flags in Karma's mind. Sure, she's probably being over dramatic (as Amy always says) but it's so unlike Amy that she's about ready to get the APD involved.

Karma's prepared to give her one more hour before she goes completely ballistic - so, instead of freaking the fuck out, she finds her dad in the backyard.

It seems this is the best option she's got right now.

"Karma!" he seems caught off guard - as if this area is some off limits part of their house.

"Amy's late," she tells him with a pout as she sits in the lawn chair. He's covered in all sorts of sawdust and she has to wonder what in the world he's doing out here.

"She's probably on her way. How's reproduction treating you today?"

She rolls her eyes. He's asked the same thing every single day once he finally calmed down about the whole Liam fathering her child thing. It's part infuriating, part really sweet because she knows he does care. "Morning sickness as per usual."

"Your mom was like that, you know - you made her so sick. Must be a sign he's taking after you," he continues carving and Karma wonders why her mom never divulged this information.

"Is that a good thing?"

He finally stops whatever it is that he's so busy with and gives her the most serious look she's probably gotten in years. "Karma, you were our miracle baby - of course it's a good thing," he's reassuring in a way she really wasn't expecting. It's nice after all these years feeling like she's the redheaded stepchild next to Zen.

"What're you doing out here everyday anyways?" she's been curious for weeks about what it is that's been taking up all of his free time after work.

He smiles. "I wanted it to be finished before the big reveal but..." he pauses to hold up a half finished handmade crib. "It's for the baby. I know we still don't have a lot of money to help the way we would like-"

"It's perfect, Dad. Really. Thank you," she wraps her arms around him and suddenly feels five years old all over again. Which is just ironic since she's about to become an adult in a very big way.

And then she hears a car.

And a huge fucking box taking up the entirety of the back seat plus the passenger seat is holding another. Amy's barely even visible.

What even is happening today?

"What is all this?!"

Amy's got a smile on her face that's about as big as Karma's ever seen it. "I gotcha something."

She proceeds to haul boxes out of the car and Karma so badly wants to help because it really looks like she's struggling. Amy shoos her away the minute she even gets close.

"There's _no way_ you were able to afford all this."

"Nope," she huffs when the final box finally hits the grass and she almost topples over. "But Liam could - and he did."

"Wait, what?"

"Karms," Amy stops to flash a smile, "in what world was I gonna let Liam get away with being a total bastard? His family has the money to spare - he owes you at least this much."

"But how? He wouldn't even answer my calls."

"Just ripped him a new asshole and threatened to out the whole pregnancy to his dad and Victoria. You'd be surprised how quickly we ended up at Babies R Us with his American Express."

Karma finally takes inventory to find a car seat, stroller, and four jumbo boxes of diapers.

"I don't even know what to say." "I can get more out of him if we need it, but you wouldn't believe how expensive diapers are! My mom said Pampers are the way to go because they don't leak as much and oof-" she stops talking when Karma launches at her, full force, and almost takes them both out.

"I love you, you know that?" she so terribly hopes Amy knows that. There's no one in the world she loves more than she loves the girl in her arms.

"Duh. I told you we'd do this together," Amy's teasing, but Karma can feel the way she squeezes just a little bit tighter when she speaks.

"I know but this is..." she can't even describe what this is exactly. It's really above and beyond anything that Amy needed to do.

"I'm your best friend - it's in the handbook, page seven, line forty-five - ‘you must blackmail the guy who accidentally knocks up your best friend and then bails like the prick that he is’."

Karma just shakes her head and pulls Amy inside for their Friday night House Hunters International marathon (because duh, the international one is so much better than the regular - even if Amy won't admit it). It's nice, she thinks, to still have this routine when everything kind of feels like it's spinning out of control. These nights make her feel like a regular eighteen-year-old that still has a future to look forward to. She tries not to think much about the fact that she's about to become someone's mother when she barely even knows who the fuck she is to begin with.

Who will this kid even be if it grows up to be anything like her?

She wanted to go to college, drink too much, stay out too late, maybe fail a few tests and learn from her own mistakes. She had so many plans for herself before they were all so unceremoniously derailed by the little person that’s growing inside her. It's not exactly easy to watch everyone picking schools and stressing over SAT scores when she's spending her weekends stressing over baby proofing the house and wondering whether she'll have enough clothes for the first six months.

Amy's been _great_ and she's been exactly the solid rock that's kept Karma's feet on the ground - but Amy's also not the one that has to push this fucking kid out and raise it.

"I bet they pick the first one," she hears from her right.

"What?"

"Were you not watching? The episode's almost over and you didn't even see any of the houses!" Amy's basically appalled as she stuffs her face with popcorn.

Karma's amused. It's not like it's the first time she's completely zoned out through an episode - it feels like the further along this pregnancy gets, the more lost in thought she gets.

Things are starting to creep up.

She's scared.

"Sorry... just thinking."

"Kernel for your thoughts?" Amy offers a piece of popcorn and Karma snickers at what a complete _dork_ she really is.

"You know that's not the saying."

"Yes, Karma, I _know_ that's not the saying," it sounds like a reprimand, but Amy's smile and open arms say otherwise. Karma really can't help but settle her head on her best friend's chest - it's turned into the only place that makes any sense anymore. "What's going on?"

She heaves a breath and closes her eyes. "It all just feels like it's happening really fast. Do you think- am I going to be a bad mom if I'm scared?"

"What? Karms, no! If anything it's _normal_ to be scared," Amy pauses and runs the tips of her fingers along the bare skin now exposed by Karma's change in position. "I'd think you were weird if this _didn't_ scare you."

"Do you think I'll be good at it?" she shivers at Amy's touch, and suddenly feels infinitely more vulnerable than she's really comfortable with.

"You've been taking care of me since we were five - of course I think you're gonna be good at it. This kid's gonna be so lucky cuz he's gonna have the best mom," Amy says it all with such sincerity that Karma really does want to believe it.

But it's never been that easy.

* * *

 

So, Karma's basically used to all of the commotion that goes on in her stomach on a regular basis. The baby's been wreaking havoc on her insides so much that she's surprised they've made it to seven months without the kid puncturing an organ (she's also basically accepted that it's probably a boy, but damn if she won't make Amy eat her words if isn't).

It's an abnormally cold, gloomy December afternoon in Austin and all she really wants to do is burrow herself further into Amy's sweatshirt to hibernate for the next two months. As it is, she's huddled against Amy on the couch in one of her dad's oversized hoodies waiting for Amy to give up on trying to make plans. Someone really should've mentioned that infants are basically the equivalent of an acceptable parasite.

"Should we.. go to the movies?" she's been giving suggestions for the last twenty minutes and none of it sounds even remotely appealing.

"Can't we just stay here?"

"We spend every weekend here you gotta get out of this house and - what the fuck was that?!" Amy asks with wide eyes and a silly expression on her face.

"The baby just kicked," Karma explains, simply.

Amy's dumbfounded. "Whoa."

"I know."

She giggles a little at what they're now saying those lines about - and it's so very apparent how times have changed.

Amy looks so amazed that when she finally recovers all she says is, "He totally just high-fived me."

"I'm pretty sure that-" she stops to lift her shirt as he kicks a second time, "is a foot."

"Okay, so he like high- _kicked_ me. He's a mini kung fu master!" she announces before shifting to lay her hands on Karma's belly as she waits for further movement.

Karma smiles because sure it's amazing and all that (the first few times she really was in awe), but it's totally not amazing to spend seventy-five percent of the day peeing her brains out because he won't lay still.

But, then she looks at Amy, who looks every bit like this baby is half hers, and her heart kind of lurches in a way she's been ignoring for months now. She's been shoving the whole 'confused about my feelings for Amy' thing to the wayside, because in the grand scheme of things, it's not even really high on her list of priorities. She also thinks it's probably unwise to involve a baby - that's going to be confused enough about who his or her parents are - in their whirlwind mess of a situation. But, to be honest, it's been getting harder to not acknowledge it when Amy's looking at her like _that_.

"Hey in there, little guy, this is the best aunt in the whole world - you know, the one that reads the awesome stories every Friday," Amy stops for a beat to gather her words and Karma really has to fucking get it together or she's gonna end up looking like a hot mess in two seconds. But, it's the first time Amy's ever really _talked_ to the baby and her emotions are going haywire. "I figured I'd just give you the low down on who to come to for the best bedtime stories in town. And if your mom is ever giving you a hard time you come find me cuz I know her better than anyone - I can talk her down if she's a total crazy woman," Amy laughs when Karma nudges her at that. "Really though, your mom's my favorite person in the entire world - that makes you my second favorite person just by association."

She feels a tiny foot shoot up to reward Amy for her speech and Amy looks about two seconds off crying when she finally feels the imprint against her hand. "Holy shit. That's him," Amy says, voice barely above a whisper. Karma nods in response because she doesn't really trust herself to do much else.

There's unadulterated excitement in Amy's eyes and all Karma can think about is how the kids at school have treated her for the last four months and how Amy has been her biggest defender. It's not that she's been ostracized per se, but she can't exactly say any of the kids have been _nice_ either. There have been the passing snarky comments about keeping her legs closed, the occasional sideways glance at her ever-growing stomach, and any chance she had at popularity was lost the minute the rumor mill went to work. Yeah, it's not lost on her that everything she worked for (popularity and Liam) is gone and at the end of it. Amidst all the drama, it's Amy that's still standing next to her.

Sure, it's taken Karma a few years to realize what's been right in front of her face this whole time, but now that she sees it all she really wants to do is kiss her.

So, she does.

It's not really like any of the times they've kissed before - but then again it's been years since she's kissed Amy (which, now that it's happening, Karma thinks it's been way too long). But, Amy's sweet and careful and every move seems to be so much more considered than when they were fifteen and sixteen. It's so clearly not the start of some sexual encounter on the Ashcroft's living room couch - but Karma wonders if it couldn't be the start of _something_ for them.

But, then there's still the fact that Amy has a girlfriend. Okay, so she’s been off frolicking around the country for the last few weeks while Amy's been playing house, but she’s still very much _there_. It kind of almost sucks the wind out of Karma's sails a little - but she tries not to think about it when this kiss just feels so intoxicating.

Amy pulls away first, her face flushed and eyes bright. She glances down shyly and says, "I think he approved."

Karma laughs because yeah, he really was kicking up a damn storm when they kissed and her bladder is about to burst. So, when Amy looks back up all she can manage is, "I really have to pee."

It's about the least romantic ending to a kiss in all of history, but Amy seems unphased. Instead, she stands and automatically offers her hands to help Karma get off the couch. Gravity really hasn't been her friend lately, and some part of her thinks Amy enjoys being the coordinated one these days.

She finds Amy and her mom sitting at the kitchen table with something that smells absolutely atrocious and Karma almost loses her dinner on the both of them.

"What _is_ that?"

"It's the millet and kimchee your father makes - you used to love this when you were little, Karma," her mom pushes the dish forward on the table but the scent is putrid.

"Mom, take that away. Seriously." she says as she starts backing out of the kitchen. Amy laughs and Molly relents with a knowing smile.

"I just thought it'd be good for the baby," her mom shrugs, and turns to look at Amy as though Amy is even remotely interested in any of this. Karma almost applauds her for being able to still act like she cares after so many years. "Did you know the millet is full of manganese - promotes the development of connective tissue, bones, and sex hormones in the body. I ate a lot of it when I was pregnant with Karma."

Amy just sort of half smiles and nods as she says, "That's um... really interesting. I'll have to see if I can get her to eat more of it."

"Oh, please do, dear. You could even pair it with some bean sprouts." Karma can't help but grimace at the thought of those but Molly forges on anyways and adds, "Pregnancy is known as a hot condition by Chinese medicine - bean sprouts are a really wonderful cold food to help balance the body's energy."

It's about here that Karma has to interrupt. "I hated bean sprouts before I was pregnant. I'm definitely not eating those things now. I can barely keep down Nutella and fluff."

"She really can't," Amy adds for good measure. Karma could kiss her for it... again.

"That reminds me! Karma, I can't make your appointment next week your father and I have an anti-gravity yoga class that morning followed by garden meditation. I'd skip it but we put down the deposit months ago when your father got a job. There's a six month waiting list."

It's only her fucking parents that would be on a six month waiting list for anti-gravity yoga - and who knows what the fuck that even _means_? She'd be mad but they have both been really supportive, even if it's in their own weird way. She just hates the idea of sitting in the office alone because she fucking already knows she's bringing this baby into the world at a disadvantage.

She doesn't need to be reminded of it.

"Mom!" she pouts as she throws herself into the chair next to Amy.

"We'll be there in spirit,” Molly coos.

"That does _not_ count," she counters and she hears Amy chuckling into her hand at the announcement. "That's like saying - that's like telling me George Washington is there in spirit too. That's completely ridiculous!"

"That's not untrue," Molly says, sagely.

Karma is about at her boiling point.

"Are you fucking insane?!" she screeches at the same time Amy says, "I'll take you."

She whips her head to her right, all traces of anger gone. How's that for mood swings. "You can't, Ames. You have school. You know they only let me leave for appointments."

"It's fine, I have a study hall that period and Christmas break is coming up. It's not like the teachers are doing anything anyway."

"You're sure?"

"I have yet to see the little dude in action. Come on, let me take you," and Karma really doesn't need Amy to beg for it.

* * *

 

She's been craving coffee like a motherfucker and every few days she gets irrationally angry at the limit on her caffeine intake. Yeah, she gets it, it's bad for the baby. And she really is doing everything she can to protect this little person. But, every once in awhile, she swears she'd give a limb for just a half a cup of _something_ from Starbucks.

She debates begging Amy to just break the rules when she hops into the car for her appointment - but then she sees Amy's red eyes and everything kind of stops.

Karma reaches for her hand on the center console and says, "Madison?" Amy nods but won't look over. She just takes her hand back, shifts to drive, and starts toward the hospital. Karma knows not to push it, but she also knows Amy and Madison have been having problems for the last few weeks while they're been attempting long distance (Madison is a bit of a gypsy and honestly their relationship confuses Karma entirely). Amy won't disclose any details (which totally sucks) but Karma goes to bed every night hoping it's not her fault - that the kiss they shared last week didn't ruin everything for her best friend.

It was just the spur of the moment with all the excitement about the baby (or at least that's what she keeps telling herself because Amy hasn't once acknowledged it). The radio is the only thing that fills the silence on the way to the ultrasound and every time she looks over Amy's starting to look more and more angry with the world. It's kind of frustrating to be dragging this black cloud into such a happy moment as they wander the halls to her usual room.

Karma's used to the routine by now. She's had like forty-five of these appointments over the last few months, but it's entertaining to see Amy (angrily) inspecting all the strange equipment and her wide eyes when the tech comes in and works it all with ease. Sure, Amy still looks like she's having a shitty day, but Karma's kind of waiting with baited breath for what she knows will make things better.

"Hey, Karma, how've you been?"

Karma can't help but smile. They start every appointment just like this. She can see Amy watching from the chair in the corner.

"Hey, Cathy, you know just still throwing my guts up pretty regularly. How're the boys?" she asks referring to the two year old twin boys that she's learned a lot about over the last few months. And then because she suddenly remembers her manners, "Oh, and this is my best friend Amy. My mom couldn't make it today."

She almost feels a sort of odd attachment to all of these moments (Cathy, her boys, the weird apple juice they make her drink before these scans to make the baby move more, and the itchy feeling of the hospital gown against her skin). It feels hard to explain nostalgia for a moment that's she's still in, but somehow she feels it, and she knows suddenly that this is how it's going to feel as she watches her baby grow up and go through life.

"Nice to meet you, Amy," she says with a nod to the corner and a polite grin. "You'll have to tell Molly I said hi... And the boys are little monsters," Cathy answers with a laugh, while she lays that cold gel all over _everything_. Karma kind of hates the grease film she can never seem to get off her stomach from the stuff. "But, you know everyone warned me about the terrible twos."

Karma cringes - terrible twos? How is she going to deal with an unruly toddler? She wonders why having a kid doesn't come with a goddamn handbook, because she swears she's going to fuck this up. She wonders daily why there isn't some sort of application process for becoming a mom because fucking _anyone_ can have a kid, but it certainly feels like there should be some sort of training involved.

She sees Amy scooting her chair closer out of the corner of her eye when Cathy finally lays the weird tool on her stomach that lets her meet her baby. A few months ago - the first time she did this - it was terrifying to see this little person growing inside her own stomach. But now, it's starting to feel more like anticipation and excitement to meet someone she's bringing into the world.

Sure, she's a little nervous that half this kid's genes are Liam Booker's, but she totally thinks that with her and Amy's influence it should be at least mostly normal. Or so she hopes.

Then the sound of a rapid, fluttering heartbeat fills the room and Karma can feel a wave of contentment wash over her - everything's okay. She finds she's always feeling just a little bit irrationally nervous that one month they're going to do this and he won't be there. It shocked her to no end when she realized just how devastated she'd be if that was the case.

"Is it supposed to be that fast?" Amy asks with a frantic edge to her voice, and eyes as big as saucers.

Cathy nods and continues to move around on her protruding belly until there's a clear figure and says, "Their hearts beat faster than ours, so it's a good sign. This baby is perfect."

Yeah, Cathy says the baby's perfect every month, but that part never really fails to soothe any anxiety that something could still go horribly wrong. Amy's watching the screen like a hawk, but Karma can see the telltale beginnings of a smile.

"And that's him?"

"That's the baby," Cathy says, carefully. Karma knows she knows whether it's a boy or girl, but she's never once slipped up with the actual information.

Amy just kind of laughs when she realizes she isn't going to get any confirmation here - she's been digging for solid proof that it's a boy since Karma's earliest ultrasounds. "You're really not gonna-"

"Nope," Cathy teases, cutting her off effectively. "Karma asked to be surprised and in this room, she's the boss."

Amy scoffs. "Karma, next month we're going somewhere new for this."

Cathy laughs louder than Karma's ever heard her before and something kind of clicks into place. This feels right. This feels a lot like it's _their_ moment to share and there's something so easy about doing this with Amy. And Karma's been trying so hard not to get caught up in all of it but it feels slightly inevitable when they really do feel like some little dysfunctional family. Amy's always been her family - how is she supposed to _not_ feel that way?

"He really is perfect," Amy finally says, with something like awe in her voice as she leans closer to peer at the screen. "It'll be even better once he... _or she_ is finally here, guys," Cathy tells them seriously.

Karma really hopes she's right. Seven months down, two to go.

* * *

 

Thirty eight weeks and two days. It feels like she's been pregnant for the last thirty eight fucking years, actually. If someone doesn't extract this kid soon Karma's totally going to go crazy. She's at least ninety four percent sure of that fact. And, she's pretty positive Amy's about done with her constant complaining, but sometimes she just needs to vent. She figures she only has like two more weeks to get it all out of her system anyways until she's gonna have to just suck it up and deal.

"Amyyyyyyyy," she whines as she manages to get up all of those god forsaken steps.

Someone walks into Amy's room, but it's not the head of blonde hair she's expecting. Sure, she and Lauren basically get along these days but they're not going to be sharing ice cream cartons to binge Netflix anytime soon. That's probably never going to be a thing for them - Karma can't say she's overly distressed about it.

"She went to dinner with Madison - said she'd be back to read to the baby tonight," Lauren tells her with a face full of disgust.

Karma knows it's all a front because she can't even keep track of the number of nights that Lauren's spent on the couch next to Amy during the fiftieth read through of 'Goodnight Moon'. Lauren's excited about this baby and no amount of sassy remarks is going to make Karma think otherwise.

"Right. I completely forgot she was home this week," and she is telling the truth. It's not easy to keep track of Madison's schedule when she's always traveling from one place to the next. It doesn't even feel like Amy's dating someone until nights like these when Karma's left to wallow in Amy's empty bed while Lauren looks on.

Lauren scowls at her answer and says, "Do me a favor and stop pretending like you support this Amy and Madison thing when I know you don't. And _I_ sure as hell don't. Amy's just dating her because she's an experienced older woman that's good in bed - I should know, the walls in this house are pretty effing thin."

Karma doesn't even attempt to mask her reaction to that bit of information. She's never really gonna want to hear about Amy's spectacular sex life. Ever. Especially not with a girl like Madison, who's basically the equivalent of a goddess. She has that whole free spirited, Stevie Nicks-type gypsy thing going on. Yeah, Karma has eyes and she can definitely see what attracted Amy, but something about Madison has always seemed fake, like she’s playing at this, or she bought the vibe she has going on like you’d buy a jacket at Forever 21. Karma thinks it’s entirely possible Amy thinks the same and chooses to ignore it.

"I don't _not_ support it."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night... but, for the record I think Amy could do a lot better than a girl who only has time for her when she's passing through town," Lauren gives her an indecipherable look, and Karma tries not to think too hard on it.

Things are too delicate right now for thoughts like those.

Lauren isn't wrong - Madison barely ever spends more than three consecutive nights in Austin. She's basically always on the run between concerts and shows and 'becoming one with the earth’ (Karma briefly considers the thought that her mom would probably get along with Madison famously). She's one of those free spirited type chicks - everything Amy's not - and Karma has to wonder exactly where Amy thought this was ever going to go.

They're never going to have a future, not really.

"Amy deserves whatever makes her happy."

"Yeah, she does," Lauren says with a sincerity that Karma's never heard before.

Fuck.

She can't handle Lauren saying things like that - things that cause her heart to slam around in her chest like some sort of caged bird.

"By the way, I took care of some of those bitches at school today."

Karma turns her attention back to Lauren who's been lingering in the bathroom doorway.

"You what?"

"It was nothing," she says as she lays her hand on the doorknob for support. "Just a few snobby princesses making some comments, but I handled it."

"You didn't have to-"

"You're right. I didn't,” she shrugs. “But it's done now."

Lauren leaves after a few seconds, but the muted shock about all she just learned lingers. In what world is Lauren Cooper defending her at Hester? In what world is Amy dating some girl just for some fun in bed? And since when does Lauren say cryptic shit that messes with her head?

It's kind of all too much so instead, she lays back on Amy's bed and sighs.

And then, there's some sort of excruciating cramp-like feeling in the lower part of her stomach, and a _lot_ of water between her legs.

"Lauren!" she screams, and there's terror in her voice that she knows Lauren hears immediately.

"This better be good," she says as she approaches, but Karma can see the fear written all over her face too.

"I… I think I'm in labor?"

There’s a few tense moments where Lauren’s face completely loses composure and Karma swears if Lauren doesn’t get it together she’s gonna end up having this kid on Amy’s bed. Her love goes pretty deep, but she’s pretty sure that even Amy doesn’t love her _that_ much.

“What do we do?” Lauren finally asks, and she sounds every bit like the eighteen-year-old kid she is. And Karma gets it – this is nothing short of horrifying, but she needs someone to step up (she just always sort of figured it’d be Lauren).

Karma breathes hard through another cramping sensation – she’s just going to assume these are contractions – and stares at Lauren for a second. “We have to get to the hospital,” she manages to grunt out.

At the mention of hospital, something flickers over Lauren’s face, and then she’s suddenly back to the Lauren Cooper that means business. Karma couldn’t actually be more grateful for her cut-throat attitude than she is in this moment.

"Get downstairs and in the car, Ashcroft. I'm letting Amy know her ass better meet us there in ten.”

She's about to have a baby, she has no idea what the fuck she's doing, and all she really wants right now is Amy.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so awesome for reading and liking this! Thank you so much for coming along on the journey. And well, here it is.

_And now I’ve got you_

_And you’re not what I asked for_

There’s a lot of pain.

It’s the only thing Karma can really focus on until she sees Amy’s worried face bust through the ER doors, like she’s here to save the day (and she kind of is). Then, there’s still pain - but at least there’s Amy now. And yeah, Karma knows it’s all mental because Amy’s not really some sort of drug, but _god_ does it help to have her here.

“Karma, Jesus, Lauren scared the shit out of me.” Amy’s all worry and frantic energy, but the minute she grabs Karma’s hand it settles them both. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…” she pauses to breathe and Amy frowns. “I’m as good as I’m gonna get. Better now that you’re here.”

“You’re early. He’s not due for like a week and a half still.”

“Cathy told me a while ago anything after thirty-seven weeks is fine.”

“This baby just wants to meet their mama,” and it sounds a lot like Farrah, but Karma really doesn’t have the time to ponder it - she really doesn’t have the brain capacity right now.

“It’s a boy mom,” Amy tells her with the utmost confidence.

“Well, honey, there’s a fifty-fifty chance,” Farrah stops and turns to face Karma. “Your mom and dad are on their way - Lauren called them a few minutes ago. You’re doing great.”

She didn’t really think any words of encouragement from Farrah were going to make her feel better - turns out she was wrong. Yeah, they’re still not on _great_ terms, per se, but things have definitely improved. She might've been half expecting Farrah to condemn her for this pregnancy, but something changed the morning she and Amy made the whole situation known to the Cooper household. Oddly enough, Amy's mom has been a wealth of knowledge over the last five months.

She sort of wants to say thank you for the rest of her life, because it’s been really nice to have a realistic person to talk to about all of the crap that comes with being pregnant. Her mom has been saying things like, 'if you eat enough herbs' and 'if Jupiter is in the right position you’ll properly combat the nausea'. But, a few months back, Farrah sat her down and said something like, _‘look, these babies find a way to make your life hell. But you deal with it, because at the end of it all, holding that little one really will make it all worth it.’_ Sure, it was cheesy and probably right from some ‘What To Expect’ book from Barnes  & Noble, but it really was what she needed.

She’s kind of forever indebted to Farrah now, and the thought makes her a little uneasy.

* * *

 

It’s all pretty much like a whirlwind for a while until she notices her mom, dad, and Zen all shuffling into labor and delivery. Her mother is saying something unintelligible, Zen is clearly trying to talk her back into reality, and her dad is just standing idly by in the midst of it all. When she catches his eye, he waves and gives her a silly thumbs up - and yeah, it really does make it a little easier. But, then her mom starts to make her way over and she braces herself for the conversation she’s been dreading for at least the last three months. (How do you even tell your own mom you don’t want her in the delivery room for the birth of your first child?)

"Karma, dear, Farrah said you've been doing really well," Molly pauses for a second and stares, and Karma legit feels like she's pouring into her soul or something. "Your aura is shouting at me... I'm sensing it'd be better for you if I waited out here with your father and Zen. And that's okay, I don't want to stress you or the baby."

Something in Karma shatters at her mom's words - the problem is, she kind of doesn't want her mom in there, no matter how much she wants to wish herself back to being five years old right now. She's not really sure if she's an awful daughter for just wanting her parents to step away from the whole situation. Amy's standing at her side looking helpless, like she wants to explain Karma's entire thought process away to Molly, to take away some of the guilt they both know she's feeling. There's not really anything Amy can say to mend her relationship with her parents - there's too many years of feeling like she didn't quite matter enough, there's too many years of damage there for Karma to feel like she needs them in that room now. Sure, she's so glad they're here, and even Zen being on the sidelines means a lot, but that's exactly where she wants them - on the sidelines. She really can't bear to have them on the front line with her, not now.

"I'll take care of her," Amy promises, and her mom nods, like there are no safer hands she could be left in. Karma thinks that's probably true, no one's ever loved her the way Amy does.

Five months ago, the idea of having Farrah anywhere near the delivery room would’ve been something she and Amy giggled about for weeks on end. But right now, with her legs up in stirrups, Amy holding her right hand, and three doctors all up in her business - she’s really fucking thankful for Amy’s mom and the powers of distraction.

Farrah lays a hand over her left arm in comfort and says, “Karma, do you have any names picked for the baby yet?”

“If it’s a boy I like Evan-”

“It’s a boy,” Amy reminds the room for the hundredth time.

Karma shakes her head and breathes through the next contraction. “And if it’s a girl I like Stella.”

Farrah smiles, nods at the doctors, and gestures for Amy to move to her side of the bed. “Those names are gorgeous for a little one. Roll this way so they can put in the epidural, okay?”

Karma sees Amy’s eyes glaze over at what’s going on behind her. Before she can turn to look too her head is turned forward again, and then she’s staring right at Farrah. “What-”

“Just keep your eyes here. Amy, do you remember when you two were only about eight-years-old and you used to name all your little dolls?” Amy sort of half-nods and absent mindedly grabs Karma’s hand again. “What was Karma’s favorite name for her Barbie? Stella would need a middle name, don’t you girls think?”

It’s really her own fucking mistake that she catches a glimpse of what they’re about to put in her back and it’s fucking _huge_. There’s no way they’re sticking that thing anywhere. “Oh my god,” it comes out half yell, half scream.

The doctor pulls back to wait.

“Honey,” Farrah starts, and there’s a brief second where all three of them seem to realize that she’s never really referred to Karma with any sort of term of endearment. “You’re going to focus on Amy, and you’re going to pick middle names out, and you’re going to stay still for me… or if you’d rather do this natural that’s okay too.”

Yeah, no.

Amy finally interjects with, “You always named that doll Alyse. That’s pretty, right? Stella Alyse Ashcroft?”

“Now you’re okay with it being a girl?” she teases. She’s doing everything she can to keep her mind off of what’s going on behind her.

“Karms, I’ve always been fine with this baby being a girl,” Amy says as she yanks the chair closer, never letting their hands separate. “I’m gonna love this kid so much. No matter what.”

There’s definitely a searing sensation when the needle finally goes in, but Amy’s words do take some of the sting out of it. Karma thinks this kid is so damn lucky to be afforded the kind of unconditional love that Amy provides - it’s something she’s occasionally taken for granted over the years, but she’s never been unaware of. The way Amy loves is something special, and she does it so wholeheartedly that Karma wishes she could bottle it up to let the rest of the world experience even half of what it feels like. She loves Amy just a little bit more for allowing this baby to be _that_ loved too.

The pain finally diminishes as the medication hits her fully. “Evan Austin? Do you like that?”

Amy reaches out and brushes some hair away from Karma’s face. “Really? Austin? You do know that’s where we live, right?”

“Oh? Geez, what have I been thinking all these years then?” Amy snorts. Even Farrah laughs a little. Karma’s pretty proud of that one. “I just thought it sounded cute. Mister Evan Austin Ashcroft. And I don’t know… Austin is where we grew up,” she says, like it’s supposed to serve as some sort of explanation. They still look confused. “Austin is all of my best memories - of you... and of us being kids, and it’ll be where he gets to be a kid too. I just want him to know, no matter where he ends up in the world, there are so many people in Austin who loved him before he was even born.”

“It’s perfect,” Amy mumbles a few seconds later with mysteriously watery eyes. Farrah’s entire face looks like she just finished putting together the pieces of a puzzle she’d spent years working on - Karma just kind of hopes she keeps whatever she thinks she knows to herself for now.

* * *

 

There’s still a lot of doctors and machines around them. The baby’s heartbeat is pounding steadily in the background, and she’s pretty sure Amy’s poor hand might be broken by now, but she hasn’t voiced one complaint about the fact that Karma’s using her for support. The whole thing is all a little bit of a blur, but she’s catching things like ‘ _push now, Karma_ ’ from the doctors and ‘ _you’re doing so good, honey, we can see hair, just a little bit more_ ’ from Farrah. If she had any dignity left she’d feel really fucking weird about Farrah getting to the ‘full show’ so to speak, but dignity is kind of a lost cause when you’re trying to push a watermelon out of your vagina.

Amy looks a little green, and like she might go down for the count at any second.

Karma’s pretty sure she smells like the inside of a gym sneaker and the sweat situation she’s got going on is really just fucking _gross_. Giving up sounds like such a better option. Why would anyone even do this voluntarily? She pleads with some higher power to just let this kid fall out of her body at this point because yeah, this was an accident - and a mistake she’s never going to make again. _Her_ body wasn’t made for this. Maybe _other_ women’s bodies were made for this, but hers totally wasn’t. She’s very aware that the physics of this entire idea of giving birth make no fucking sense.

“I’m trying,” she cries out through frustrated tears and continual heaves. It’s really fucking hard to push when she can’t feel the entire lower half of her body - is anyone even taking that into account?

She’s pretty positive no one knows what the _fuck_ they’re doing in this delivery room right now. She almost tells little miss brunette with her stethoscope down there to push her own kid out, then they can talk about ‘effective pushing’. Fuck her, Karma decides. Until every single person in this room has pushed a kid out she wants nothing to do with any of them.

She grunts through one final push (if this one doesn’t work she’s just telling them all that she’ll be back in a week for a redo).

But then, there’s a loud cry.

“It’s a boy!” the doctor announces from the end of the bed.

Karma just bursts into unexpected tears at the announcement because what else is she really supposed to do? The nurse rubs him up and down with a blanket and finally places him on her chest (and ew, he’s so gross, all covered in who knows _what_ from being in her stomach for nine months, and she loves him so fucking much already).

Amy looks so flustered and concerned about them both, and Karma can barely even see her through all of those damn tears. She feels soft lips land haphazardly on her forehead followed by, “I’m so proud of you. You did so, _so_ good. He’s perfect, Karma. Oh my god,” and the emotion she hears in Amy’s voice completely sends her heart over some metaphorical edge.

“He really is perfect, honey. Little munchkin you got there,” Farrah says from somewhere to her left.

It hits Karma square in the chest that this woman - who she’s never been especially close to growing up - never left her side. She stayed and got her through the biggest moment of her life without a single question, comment, or concern. (Yeah, she’s feeling overly emotional about _everything_ right now, but she just became a mom and she can’t fucking help it).

“Farrah, thank you, really. I couldn’t have-” Farrah just nods and waves it off because really, does anyone need to cry anymore than they already have?

“With how inseparable you two are how could I not be here?” she replies with a wink as she heads for the door to inform the whole waiting room about his arrival.

The tiny little person on her chest shifts and snuggles into her for warmth, and it sort of feels like everything she thought she knew about love is being rewritten and reformatted. The way she loves Amy (platonic or otherwise) never felt like a choice - they were five-years-old, how could it be? But continuing to love each other every single day the way they do is definitely something they’ve had to pick and choose constantly. They have to pick each other to make their friendship (or whatever) work.

But, the way she feels about this wrinkly, wriggly little human is so _not even close_ to a choice. Karma knows she’s never going to wake up and have to choose to love him - it’s engraved in the cells that make up every last piece of her body already and he’s been here for like five whole minutes. Farrah was right, all that hell she went through to get him here - all the nausea, cravings, sleepless nights - it was all worth it for this moment. (She never actually thought she’d say that, but it’s the god honest truth).

* * *

 

Evan Austin Ashcroft was born February 14, 2017 at 01:24 in the morning. The irony of him being a fucking Valentine’s Day baby is not lost on Karma. He’s five pounds and fourteen ounces of _adorable_.

“Who knew you and Liam would make such a cute kid?”

She cringes. “Do you have to remind me?”

Amy laughs, looks down at the new little person laying on Karma’s chest, and says, “Sorry little man, but hey, the bright side is that’s only fifty percent of your genes that suck. The other fifty are… well, your cool Aunt Amy is gonna have to make up for those too. We’ll make sure you turn out okay, don’t stress, dude.”

“Hey!” Karma cries out in mock outrage. Like Amy doesn’t love her more than anyone on this earth.

“Shh! He’s sleeping!”

“Actually, we need to wake him up before the whole crew piles in and get him to eat,” a woman’s voice from the doorway surprises them both. They look over to find a nurse making her way to them and Amy shifts off toward the chair she’d claimed a few hours before.

Karma really doesn’t want to wake the perfect little boy that's been using her chest for a nap. “We wake him up to eat? Like we don’t wait for him to cry for food?”

The nurse smiles and says, “The first few days you have to wake them up to get them used to eating and on a schedule. They have a sleepy period, plus the epidural makes them drowsy,” she pauses to take the baby, and when he startles and starts to cry Karma feels _awful_. She already has the biggest soft spot for him - how is this kid going to be anything but spoiled?

Amy watches every move the nurse makes as she carefully puts Evan into a little hospital t-shirt and swaddles him in those stereotypical pink and blue striped blankets that have been around for the last fifty something years.

“You wanna try to feed him, mommy?”

It’s the first time anyone’s referred to her as a mother, or well at least the first time since she had him. The smile that bursts onto her face is completely involuntary as she nods and holds out her arms to take him back. He smells like baby shampoo and he lets out a little sigh when she gets him settled, and Karma physically aches with all the love.

There’s a person in this world now that loves her just because of who she is. She’s solely responsible for keeping him fed, clothed, sheltered, and happy. And sure, that thought has been really overwhelming for the last six months, but now, when she looks at his perfect little face, it’s all she wants to do anyway. She knows she’d jump in front of a bus to make sure that he never has to feel any pain (despite how unrealistic that is - the world can be a shitty place, she knows it first hand). So, maybe she didn’t mean to have a kid at eighteen years old, but it certainly feels like she found a purpose in this world that she didn’t think she had before - the mistake she made nine months ago suddenly feels like it makes a whole lot of sense.

The nurse, whose name is Sherry, hands her a little single serve bottle with a nipple and gestures for her to proceed. It suddenly occurs to her - she’s never fed a baby before.

“I don’t…” she trails off, embarrassed.

“It’s okay. Just get the nipple in his mouth and then we’ll play with his cheeks a little bit and get your little man to eat,” then she turns to Amy and sends her to the other side of the bed. “If he falls asleep on us I’m gonna have you play with his feet a little bit to remind him to keep going, okay?”

Amy nods like the fate of the entire world is resting on her shoulders.

Karma’s hands shake slightly, and she swears there’s no fucking way that nipple is fitting in his tiny mouth. Sherry nods reassuringly to continue, but she doesn’t wanna force the thing on him. He just got here - does he really deserve to have food just shoved on him?

“What if he’s not hungry?” she asks, voice full of uncertainty.

“Trust me, I work with them all the time, getting him started is usually the hardest part.”

She refocuses.

“Okay, Evan, I’ve never done this before, so we’re both gonna learn something here.”

There’s a second where she realizes it’s the first time she’s really called him by his name. He’s _real_ now, in a way he wasn’t when he was just a fluttering kick under her rib cage. His miniature ear is sticking out of his little striped hat and Karma wonders how her little boy can have such _long_ eyelashes. This baby isn’t just some abstract idea in the far off land of six months down the line - he’s a person, and he’s here now, and today really is the day she’ll always be able to pinpoint as the day everything changed.

When Karma looks over, Amy’s still smiling, clearly amused.

“Don’t laugh at me. Have you ever fed a baby?”

“I’m not laughing at you. I just -” she stops to consider her words while Karma continues to prod him into taking the bottle. “You’re just really cute together.”

There’s a pretty blush coating Amy’s cheeks and Karma’s pretty sure she’s blushing too. Evan chooses that moment to finally open his mouth, and then he’s chugging formula like he’s never eaten before.

Which, Karma reminds herself, he really _hasn’t_.

“There we go! Let him eat for a little bit, I’ll check back in on you when we need to burp him, okay?” Sherry steps out to give them some time. Karma sort of wants to beg her to come back because she has no idea what she’s doing, but he keeps eating and she takes note of how much work it looks like he has to put in to get so little food.

Granted, he doesn’t need a ton of food, but still. She feels bad anyway. There should be a more efficient way to get food into his little belly.

“I can’t believe you’re a mom,” Amy finally speaks up a few minutes later, voice full of awe and something Karma can’t name.

She twists the bottle a few times when he stops sucking and smirks when it really does seem to remind him that he was in the middle of eating. “Neither can I. I can’t believe he’s mine. Like… to keep.”

“He’s so _tiny_.”

Karma sees Amy playing with his little feet, and can’t help but laugh when his one foot doesn’t even cover all of her palm. “I’m scared I’m gonna break him.”

“If he’s anything like his mama, I’d say he’s pretty strong.”

It looks a lot like the words just kind of fell out of Amy’s mouth, so instead of commenting she just takes five minutes to shift him around until she thinks that maybe she can burp him from this position. Okay, she’s not exactly comfortable with him yet - but she’ll get there. Probably. Fingers crossed. Sherry passes by the window to check on them, and she must be doing something right judging by the fact that social services doesn’t magically appear to take him away all the while calling her an _imposter_.

He lets out a burp within thirty seconds, and Karma thanks whatever god there is that gave her this kid for making him an easy baby. So far, anyway. Sure, two hours of life doesn’t exactly mean that his personality is set in stone, but she’ll take what she can get.

“Do you wanna hold him?” Amy totally looks a lot like a deer in headlights. “You won’t hurt him. Just make like a little cradle for him to lay in - he seems to like it.”

“But what if- Karma, he’s so little. What if he _cries_?”

“He might cry, but then you can give him back to me.” That seems to make Amy feel better, so she holds her arms out, stiff as a board. “Ames, relax.”

“Sorry,” Amy says as she releases a breath and braces herself like she’s being handed something radioactive. He startles and wrinkles his little eyebrows when Karma hands him over, and she decides right then that everything he does is the cutest thing that’s ever happened. “He smells really good.”

“It’s that baby shampoo.”

“We need to go get like… four gallons of this stuff,” Amy says, “He needs to always smell like this,” he snuggles into her chest and puffs out a breath, and Karma literally watches Amy fall in love with him when it happens.

The thing is, she swore she couldn’t love Amy anymore than she already does, but watching Amy with her little boy makes her think twice about that statement. She’s quick to reach for her iPhone to capture the moment even though she doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the look on Amy’s face.

“Am I interrupting?” she hears from the door when Liam enters the room with a small handful of flowers. He’s the last person she ever expected to see today, and all that anger she thought she got rid of - yeah, not so much.

“What are you even doing here?” Karma asks, anger radiating. And from the way Amy’s head shoots up she can tell she isn’t concealing her feelings very well.

He looks shameful, head hung low with his other hand buried in the pocket of those dumb grey jeans he’s always wearing. He looks _stupid_ , Karma decides.

“I, uh, is there any way we can talk? Just for a few minutes-”

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” Amy says as she attempts to stand, but thinks better of it as soon as she remembers the baby in her arms.

“Amy, language!” Karma says, with a nod toward Evan.

“Shit, sorry,” she cringes again at her own mistake, and then whips her head back toward him. “Seriously, though. You show up here after what you did and expect it to be okay?”

Liam shakes his head, clearly trying to figure out how to redeem himself. But, like, Karma’s pretty sure there’s not much he can say at this point that’s ever going to take away what he _did_.

“No, I just… Karma, just a few minutes - _please_.”

It’s clear he’s appealing to the person that’s more likely to give him a chance, and Karma almost laughs at the fact that he seems a little bit intimidated by Amy right now. There’s really nothing good that’s going to come of any conversation with Liam, but then she glances at the baby in Amy’s arms and okay, so it’s totally not fair to not give Liam five minutes if it might mean her kid gets to know his dad in some way.

The whole thing is probably a stupid idea, but she grew up with Amy. She watched the way it hurt Amy every time Hank had to go on another assignment. She’s always seen the small twinge of hurt whenever Father’s Day passed and they couldn’t hang out because Karma had someone to spend the day with. She saw the hope in her best friend’s eyes every time Hank swore he’d be in Austin for Christmas, and she saw the pain when all she found every Christmas morning was a package from Fed Ex and written apologies. Karma’s always had her dad, and well, her family might not be _normal_ , but they have always been around when she’s needed them, if even a little bit overwhelming with their constant presence. She’s never had to wonder about her dad - and if this means there’s even a chance that she can make that true for her kid, then how could she not give Liam just a few minutes to try to explain.

“Five minutes, Liam.”

“Karma, you can’t be serious,” Amy says, confusion written all over her face.

“It’s just five minutes. Just let me see what he has to say,” she’s trying to make some telepathic connection to Amy’s brain just to let her know why this needs to happen, but Amy looks sort of annoyed with a side of pissed off as she hands the baby back. And that’s just going to have to be what it is for now, Karma decides.

Amy sighs and brushes past Liam, right out the door.

He takes a few steps and sits in Amy’s chair after he puts the flowers on the table, and Karma really just wants to punch him in the face. It’s been her goal in life to avoid seeing him ever since that afternoon at his house, and up until now she’d been doing so well. She takes a moment to reflect on how nice it’s been without him, and then she realizes if he does decide to stick around she’s basically tied to him for the _rest of her life_.

And well, that’s just fucking great.

“Thanks,” he says as he looks over at the little bundle of blankets in her arms.

“It wasn’t for you,” Karma snaps and surprises herself with the force behind it. “It’s for _him_ ,” she adds, indicating Evan.

“I know. But you still didn’t have to.”

He’s damn right she didn’t have to. But she’s for sure not going to utter the words ‘you’re right’ to Liam Booker ever again. So instead she says, “Four minutes, Liam.”

“Right. I broke up with Victoria,” he admits, as if this is some cause for celebration.

“And?”

“She didn’t want me to come today. She told me if I came to see you and the baby that it was over,” he clears his throat and looks over at the clock on the wall.

Karma’s pretty sure this might take more than five minutes. Amy’s going to be so pissed. She’s not telling him he gets a time extension though, she still wants the option to kick him out at the five minute mark.

And then something occurs to her. “So, you didn’t really break up with her. She gave you an ultimatum and you made the wrong choice.”

“As soon as she gave me those options I ended it,” he says. There’s still no sign of this being any big moment of redemption for him, but she is surprised. So, she nods for him to carry on. “Look, I know I fucked up, and this doesn’t fix anything, and I still don’t really know what I’m doing here... but he’s my kid. I just wanted to check on you both.”

It’s not a good apology. Actually, she’s not even sure it was an apology since he never actually said he was sorry. But, it might be the closest they’re going to get for now.

“He’s only your kid by genetics,” she wants to make sure he knows just because he gave the sperm it really doesn't make him a father. “And how did you even know I was here?” Karma asks when he doesn't respond, because she _knows_ Amy didn’t call him. He stands and shoves his hands back in his pockets.

“Lauren,” he finally says and then shrugs. “She actually sounded mad as soon as I answered, but she said she thought I deserved to at least know.”

There’s a flash of intense anger, followed by a second where she has to tell herself to calm the fuck down. Lauren couldn’t have known he would show up. Besides, he declared himself an absentee dad six months ago, who could have fucking predicted he’d pick today to decide to try to be a good person? Lauren’s the only reason she got to the hospital in one piece anyway - she can’t really be _that_ mad.

Karma decides not to tell Amy that piece of information though. Just in case.

“So what does any of this even mean, Liam?”

“I’m not sure. I just didn’t wanna be the guy who doesn’t show up,” he admits.

“You already _are_ that guy, you made that very clear,” Karma says. She might’ve offered to let him hold his son, but he sort of just ruined any chance he might’ve had with a line like that. “It’s been-”

“Your five minutes are up, Booker,” Amy announces, as she breezes back into the room and takes her place on the other side of the bed.

Liam looks sheepish, but nods and heads for the door like this whole thing went over pretty well. Karma wonders if he was even present for the conversation that just happened, because from her end that went pretty awful. But whatever, she tried. She glances down at Evan to find him still sleeping soundly.

All she wants to do is apologize to him - he doesn’t really deserve what he was born into. He didn’t ask for it. He didn’t ask for a piece of shit father who can’t seem to grow the fuck up and take responsibility. As she watches him sleep, his little chest rising and falling with each breath, she wonders how anyone could walk away from this perfect little person.

“I’m trashing these,” she hears Amy say in disgust at first sight of the discarded flowers.

“Don’t waste them. The nurse can give them to someone else.”

There’s a few minutes of tense silence and then Amy finally asks, “You okay?”

“Peachy,” Karma barely manages. “Can you take him?”

Amy nods. “Yeah, sure. Your dad and Zen are outside, I’ll hold them off for a little bit.”

If she were any less angry, she’d take time to notice that Amy already looks more comfortable with him, but she’s really fucking angry. All she can see is red. She can’t be around the baby in this state, all those books she spent months reading says he’ll pick up on her mood. Liam’s done enough damage for one day, she doesn’t want Evan to have to suffer too.

Though it takes a ridiculous amount of effort to even stand, she somehow makes it to the bathroom, ignoring Amy when she calls out to her.

Sure, it’s probably hormones that are making her want to just slam her fist into the glass of the mirror on the wall in front of her, but the urge is so real she only just barely holds herself back. The last thing anyone needs is for her to be wheeled down the ER to have shards of glass removed from her hand.

Instead, Karma slides onto the floor and sits against the wall and cries. It’s the only way she can let the anger escape that’s not going to leave scars.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the wait, got tied up with some real life matters and the holidays and all that jazz. It hopefully shouldn’t be that long again for updates, but thank you to anyone who read, commented, left kudos, or whatever. It’s nice to know the story is fun to read.

_She’s imperfect, but she tries_

_She is good, but she lies_

“Why won't you stop crying?”

Karma knows she's whining. Babies aren't really known for being the quietest of creatures, but she didn't really expect something so _small_ to be able to be so _loud_. She also thought the sounds of her own child’s cry would be less of an annoyance than it is right now. But, no, she feels just as annoyed now as when she hears those infants in the grocery store (and don't worry, she feels like an awful person for being so bothered). She remembers always wondering why those parents were unable to soothe their own children. But yeah, now she totally gets it, and she wants to go back and apologize to all the mothers she had those thoughts about. She wants to go back, grovel at their feet, and say _‘I didn't know, but I do now, and this is so much harder than I thought it'd be.’_

“Evan, please, just cut me a break… even just five minutes,” she’s practically begging the baby in her arms, but he shows no signs of slowing down. “I don't know what else to do for you.”

She feels like crying too, and she’s resenting the fuck out of her parents for choosing tonight - of all the fucking nights - to be the featured speakers at the goddamn PFLAG event. What kind of grandparents miss their first, and only, grandson’s first night at home? Why are they even at a PFLAG event when she’s _still_ straight (well, at least she’s pretty sure she is) - the kind that were shunned from their own daughter’s delivery room, Karma reminds herself. And yeah, she realizes this event has been planned for months, and neither of her parents really have a spiteful bone in their bodies, but who can think rationally with an infant screaming his head off?

Short answer: no one can think clearly with noise like this.

There's no way she's going to make it through the rest of the next hour if Amy doesn't get the fuck over here in the very near future. Karma fires off a text that she hopes Amy realizes is a total SOS signal.

**February 16, 2017 (6:43 PM)**

**Karma** : WHERE ARE YOU?!

**(6:47 PM)**

**Amy** : just finishing packing up my crap. everything okay? is evan ok?

Karma involuntarily smiles at Amy's concern for the baby. He's been alive for two whole days and he's already top priority in both of their lives.

**(6:48 PM)**

**Karma** : He won't stop crying :( Idk what to do. It's been 45 min and he's just so upset. He wasn't like this at the hospital. What do I do?

**(6:50 PM)**

**Amy** : leaving in a min to come back. sorry I couldn't just stay.. i had no idea you were gonna go into labor early. i was gonna be packed and ready by your due date. there in 5 k?

**(6:51 PM)**

**Karma** : Please hurry :/

Yeah, there’s going to come a time when she’s going to have to learn to take care of all the needs of this baby on her own, but today is _not_ that day.

* * *

 

Karma’s checked his diaper, he just ate a half hour ago, and she swears she’s walked like five miles through the damn house, but none of it is doing jack shit to calm him. He totally used his cute face to fool her into thinking he was an angel at the hospital because he barely made a peep there. Now, it’s like she can’t even believe he’s got the lung capacity for this kind of noise. His tiny face is beet red, and there are actual real tears running down his cheeks, and Karma can feel her heart twisting because she’s his _mom_ and she should be able to fix this.

Shouldn’t she?

The thought of him continuing to cry like this for even five more seconds is making her emotions run rampant. Sure, she read about all those postpartum hormones, but she sort of figured maybe she’d be exempt from them. Being pregnant at eighteen felt like punishment enough for sleeping with Liam, the world could’ve just cut her some slack, and besides, she had enough of the mood swings while she was pregnant. And yet, here the hormones come, his little tears causing her own to well up in her eyes.

A few minutes later Amy finally appears, takes one look at them both, and immediately has her hands out for the baby. Karma gives him up willingly, and then feels like the absolute worst for giving her baby away. But, it’s just to her best friend, and Amy’s basically his second parent anyway, so she’s trying not to feel so fucking awful about it.

(Newsflash: she still does.)

“Go take a shower and some time for yourself. You’ve barely slept since you had him, Karma, you’re exhausted.”

Karma nods and swats at the few tears that managed to escape. She just feels so fucking weak, and pathetic, and useless for barely lasting an hour alone with her kid. It’s like she’s failing tests she didn’t even realize she was taking, and she’s just so fucking _tired_. Amy’s right, she hasn’t slept, and it’s taking it’s toll. There was no way she was even remotely prepared for all the things that come with motherhood - but what did she know? High school is barely over, and it’s not like she knows anyone with a kid.

* * *

 

The fucking zombies on _The Walking Dead_ are literally more attractive than she is at this moment. Karma’s pretty sure the bathroom lighting is fucking with her because she looks _eighty_ instead of eighteen. In fact, she can’t even really remember the last time she showered - and well, that’s a problem. If she’s being honest, Amy probably kicked her out for stench alone.

She can vaguely recall the nurse saying something like, _‘if you don’t care of yourself you’re going to be no good to this baby,’_ and yeah, that sounds like such a reasonable idea when said baby isn’t having an hour long conniption. There was also something along the lines of, _‘make sure you sleep when he sleeps,’_ but that piece of advice really requires him to actually sleep, and at this point she’s wondering where he’s getting the energy to cry so much because she’s completely fucking wiped.

The hot water in the shower certainly felt like a godsend, and she’s pretty sure nothing has ever felt so good. She’s totally going to thank Amy up and down for this half hour of time to herself, but first she has to relieve her from the loudest baby in the world. So, she takes a few deep breaths and pads back down the stairs to find Amy huddled on the couch with Evan settled in her lap. He seems content, and she has no idea what fucking baby magic Amy came over with, but she’s grateful. As she peers at them from across the room it actually looks like they’re in the middle of a _very_ serious conversation (and Karma has absolutely no clue how that can be since he’s all of like two days old.) So, she quietly creeps a little bit closer to try to make out what in the world Amy could possibly be saying.

“And Halloween 3 really doesn’t even fit the storyline… like, Michael Myers isn’t even in that one. But, what a lot of people don’t know, is that John Carpenter didn’t really even want those movies to be about him. He was just trying to make a series about scary stuff that happens on Halloween night and it got carried away with the whole Michael Myers thing.”

Karma smirks and shakes her head. Only Amy would be having a serious film discussion with an infant because, really? Most people baby talk a newborn and make incoherent noises, but Amy Raudenfeld is giving IMDb facts to a baby like it’s something he’s going to go use at the bar for trivia night.

Evan has his little fingers wrapped tightly around one of Amy’s, and Karma can barely even handle the look on Amy’s face while she talks to him. She looks so smitten with him. It might be the cutest thing Karma’s ever seen. No one really expected Amy to take to him - she’s always made her dislike of babies very clear when she went on rampages about how they, _‘Poop all over everything. Like little poop machines that you have to clean hourly. And then, just when you think you have it all figured out, they go and puke on you. No thanks. There’s a reason I don’t babysit.’_ But, it’s pretty apparent that Amy’s made an exception for Evan (Karma can’t fault her, he really is the cutest kid ever).

“John Carpenter totally bailed after that mess of a third movie. And it’s fine, I get what he was trying to do, but then the whole series went to sh- I mean… the whole series went to junk after the third one because he didn’t wanna be involved. Did you know the fourth and fifth one don’t even _have_ Jamie Lee Curtis?” Evan grunts and Amy pauses, eyeing him warily, but he settles quickly. “I see you’re clearly upset about this too. Get this, four and five are about her daughter, but then H2O came out and they don’t even acknowledge those at all, and then she has a son and really the whole thing-”

“Amy, he’s two days old,” Karma says with a laugh as she crosses the room to sit next to the only two people that make any sort of sense. “You know he doesn’t understand any of this, right?”

“This stuff’s important. You gotta start ‘em early, and these are essential facts.”

And like, how can Karma really argue that? She got the whole essay on the Halloween franchise back when they were thirteen or something because Amy’s a _nerd_ , so, she totally should’ve seen this coming.

“How did you get him to stop crying?”

“He cried for a little after you left, but then he burped, which was totally impressive by the way, and then he seemed okay.”

Karma deflates at the words. A burp. Of course. Why didn’t she think of that? Who let her have a kid anyway?

“I guess I forgot to burp him earlier… I’m just so tired,” she sighs and rubs at her temples to rid some of the building tension. “Thank you for being here.”

“Karma, I wasn’t gonna be anywhere else, okay? You have me,” Amy reassures while she absentmindedly fixes Evan’s blanket until he’s swaddled just like the nurses did at the hospital. “You both have me. You can’t do this by yourself, you shouldn’t have to. I could cut Liam-”

“It’s fine. I’d rather do this with you anyway, honestly.” It’s a lot more than she meant to say, and Amy doesn’t seem to know how to respond, so Karma adds, “How did you learn to fix his blankets like that?”

“Just watched the nurses a lot. It’s kind of like a burrito. I can totally handle that, I _get_ burritos.”

“Only you would manage to compare my kid to a taco-”

Amy scoffs and cuts her off, “A _burrito_. You don’t fold tacos like this, they’re not big enough.”

“Oh, right. Obvs.”

Their whole food debate is cut short when Evan starts to whine again and Amy instantly holds him out with raised eyebrows, as if to offer him like a little wrapped present. He does look pretty cute all wrapped up snug in his blanket, and Karma wants him back immediately.

He starts to cry as soon as he’s in her arms and she for sure thinks her kid hates her. This is definitely getting Google-ed as soon as he finally succumbs to sleep. The search: Can your own two-day-old baby actually hate you?

“Relax with him. He can tell you’re uneasy.”

Easier said than done now that Amy’s the baby expert (and when did that even happen?!)

This is the thing that’s the most frustrating with babies - they have no way to tell you what’s wrong or what they actually need. So, Karma’s left guessing and just irritates him further when she unwraps his blanket to peek into his diaper. He’s still clean, and there’s just no way he can be hungry yet since he’s still like at least an hour off his next feeding.

It’s weird, she thinks, that she’s always been more nurturing than Amy from when they were kids, and yet he’s taken to Amy like she’s the one that spent the nine billion hours in labor to push him out. There’s only one thing she hasn’t tried with him yet, and at this point it’s like a fucking Hail Mary that it’ll work.

Karma stands and sings the first few lines of an oldie that she remembers being her mom’s go to on those nights when she was maybe five or six and hated bedtime. _“Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ‘i love you’, birds singing in the sycamore tree, dream a little dream of me. Say nighty night and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me, when I’m alone blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.”_

Tiny eyes start to hang heavy and droop when he heaves out a sigh, like it’s been such a rough day, and how can she not smile? She can see Amy watching them, but she stays focused on the baby in her arms while she sways from side to side. He looks so peaceful as his breathing evens out when the sleep finally takes over. Karma hates herself just a little for all her terrible thoughts she had when he wouldn’t stop crying.

_“Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you - sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.”_

* * *

 

“Karma, hey, come on let's go to bed,” she wakes to the sound of Amy whispering in her ear, and hands gently shaking her awake. The clock on the wall shows it’s a little after three in the morning and she has no idea what is going on.

“What?”

“You fell asleep on the couch when I took Evan upstairs. I was gonna come get you, but he woke up when I tried to put him down, so I rocked him for a while until he fell asleep again.”

“You're the best,” Karma mumbles, exhaustion overcoming any and all thought processes.

Amy snorts suddenly. “Karma, wake up.”

“I'm awake.”

“Sure. And I'm Kate Winslet. Let’s go, you always sleep like shit here.”

It’s the truth, they both know she never sleeps well on the couch, not from when they were seven years old and she started dozing off there during Kim Possible reruns (Karma’s entirely aware that Amy always used to wait for her to fall asleep to change the channel to catch Degrassi - though to this day she still denies it.) Now, instead of cartoons she’s sort of the one living out the teen drama storylines. It’s bottles, diapers, and figuring out how to calm down a baby that clearly thinks sleeping is preposterous. She’d give anything to be able to a kid again - maybe she should've enjoyed that time more when she was living it. But then again, she was like seven, what the fuck did she know?

“Can't you just carry me?” she begs as she sits up and rubs at her eyes that are barely staying open as it is.

“How strong do you think I am?!” Amy scoffs, but her eyes twinkle with a familiar playfulness when she offers a hand.

Karma takes the help, and downright refuses to let go once their fingers are connected. “There’s an insult in there somewhere, but it’s three in the morning and you put my kid to bed, so right now I don't even care.”

There's a second where she worries Amy is pulling away when she yanks her hand back, but then Amy’s back is towards her and she hears, “Hop on.”

“Seriously?”

“Before I change my mind, Karms.”

She sure as hell doesn't need to be told twice. So, she _carefully_ hoists herself up onto Amy’s back, and feels hands wrap up under her thighs to secure her placement. They wobble slightly when Amy starts walking, and Karma stifles a giggle into the blonde head of hair that's obscuring her vision.

“Don't drop me!”

“Then quit wiggling,” Amy heaves out through an exaggerated breath.

They barely make it up the steps, and Karma swears they almost end up in the ER for some type of injury. She wonders if she should be more responsible and more worried about her own well being now that Evan’s depending on her to be there 24/7. But then, those few minutes goofing off with Amy certainly made it feel like she could breathe just a little bit easier. Amy’s sort of like this magical de-stressor and yeah, it’s only been like twenty-four hours, but she’s made raising a kid at least manageable.

* * *

 

There’s the usual nighttime routine as they both overcrowd the bathroom, and step on each other’s toes, while navigating between the bathtub and vanity like every other sleepover they’ve ever had. It’s beyond Karma why they don’t just take turns in the bathroom, but they’re too many years into this routine to start questioning it now.

“Move it.”

“My toothbrush is over here,” Amy says just like every time before. It’s almost like reading from a script, but it still makes them both smile just as stupidly as the first time.

“Well, my face wash is over here too.”

“If you move me, Karma, I swear I’ll hip check you into that bathtub.” And oh, that’s new, and totally not part of the script. Karma raises an eyebrow and inches into Amy’s space because, duh, how could she not test the boundaries with that kind of threat? She keeps moving her foot slowly, watching Amy’s smile grow around the toothbrush with every inch she takes.

“Karma…”

“Amy…” she mocks as she reaches around, hands fumbling for the bottle on the sink. Then, she finds Amy wasn’t fucking around when she’s knocked completely off balance, stumbling sideways as the backs of her knees hit the ledge of the tub. Amy’s face looks completely horror stricken and she reaches out to avoid the inevitable outcome Karma’s about to face. Instead, they both just end up in a heap in the tub because Karma sure as fuck wasn’t not taking Amy with her.

“Oh my god. Are you okay?!”

Karma can barely catch her breath she’s laughing so hard, and god it feels good to laugh again. “I can’t fucking believe you did that!”

“I really didn’t think you’d fall!” Amy says through her own sudden laughter. “I think we’re delirious.”

There’s toothpaste droplets literally everywhere, and who even knows where Amy’s toothbrush disappeared to. Karma takes a few breaths and looks down, “Ugh, you got toothpaste all over me, Ames.”

“I told you not to fuck with me,” she responds with a shrug, like it’s completely normal that they’re laying on top of each other in a bathtub at four in the morning.

Karma supposes they should move, but instead she just sighs and focuses on the ceiling tiles. “I’m so tired I could probably sleep here.”

“You and me both. At least you got a nap in.”

Karma looks to her right, being sure to catch Amy’s eyes. “You know you didn’t have to do that-”’

“I was just messing with you,” Amy says, seriousness lacing her words. “You pushed the kid out, not me, and you look so tired, Karm.”

She looks _and_ feels it. But, she’s trying her best to sort of suck it up and be there. She’s the one that got pregnant after all, she’s the one that has to deal with the consequences. Why should Amy have to suffer for her own stupidity? Though, if she’s honest, Amy sort of always suffers from her stupidity, and that’s just the unfair facts of their friendship. Karma deflates a little the second she realizes it.

“I’m going to pay you back for all this. I swear I am.”

Amy shakes her head and shifts to her side so they’re face to face in this stupid bathtub. The porcelain is anything but comfortable, but moving sounds ridiculously unappealing so Karma just settles too. “Don’t you dare.”

“How can I not? I’m not a good enough mom to do this by myself. I- you knew he needed to be burped. You put him to bed. Let’s face it… I suck.”

“C’mere,” Amy whispers, wrapping an arm around Karma’s waist to make the few inches between them disappear. “You do _not_ suck. I told you before, and I’ll tell you every single day if it helps - he is so lucky to have you as his mom.”

She nestles a little closer in some attempt to escape all her insecurities. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” she admits, quietly.

“No one does when they have a baby,” Amy reassures. “I guess unless someone’s on like their fifth kid, which sounds horrific by the way, but even then how do they know what they’re doing with five kids as opposed to four and do you think they _ever_ sleep if there’s five little terrors running around-”

“Amy.” 

“Right, sorry, got carried away,” and then Karma feels Amy’s hands rubbing her back, and it’s never failed to make her feel just slightly better. “My point was, everyone figures it out eventually.”

“What if I don’t?”

“That’s what I’m here for, ya goof.”

Karma smiles. “You have your own life, Ames. You can’t give up everything for a baby that’s not yours.”

“You are my life,” she answers quickly with a small shrug of her shoulders. They break eye contact, and Karma knows how serious that just sounded, and from the way Amy’s hand freezes for the briefest of seconds she knows they’re both feeling the heaviness. “Metaphorically speaking,” Amy finally adds, breaking the silence.

“What about Madison?”

It takes a few minutes for Amy to answer, and Karma already basically knows what she’s going to say before it happens. “We broke up.”

“When?”

“Valentine’s Day,” and Karma sighs at the answer. She feels partly responsible, even though she probably shouldn’t - everything that Amy’s done since the beginning of the pregnancy has been _Amy’s_ decision, not Karma’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

There’s a small laugh, and Karma grins when she realizes how fucking stupid that question was. “Did you want me to break that out in between contractions?”

“Yeah, that was dumb,” Karma concedes. Amy chuckles at her answer. “You okay though?”

There’s a brief nod and then, “Jesus, Karma, it’s four thirty, this was stupid,” which really effectively closes the subject of Madison all together.

Amy goes to get up, and offers her hands, and Karma kind of wants to hold them forever. She shakes her head at the thought, and vows to try not to attach so much weight to every simple thing Amy does for her, because really it’s not going to help _anyone_ to get into that drama again right now.

“It wasn’t stupid,” Karma says as she lets Amy help her stand. “It was nice to laugh again. Thank you.”

“I’ll make you laugh anytime you want, just not at this hour of the morning,” Amy keeps their fingers intertwined, and leads them both to bed. “I’m supposed to be taking care of you and making sure you get sleep, not keeping you up. Now, get in bed.”

“It’s kind of weird when you’re the adult,” Karma comments and receives a fake scowl from Amy in return.

“I can be an adult when I have to be.”

“First time I’ve ever seen it,” she says through a yawn. Amy moves to sit on the floor and starts to go through the bag she left next to the bassinet where Evan wiggles around and whimpers in his sleep. Karma still can’t believe she made a _person_. “Aren’t you coming to bed?”

“Just looking for something,” and then there’s an ah-ha moment, and Amy raises her hand with some brown fluffy thing in victory. “I got this for him.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a blanket bear,” Amy says as she perches on the side of the bed to show it off. “Two birds with one stone. The stuffed animal and the blankie. There’s going to be no competition for his number one toy.”

Karma’s never really going to get used to Amy being so damn sweet. What did she even do in some past life to deserve the _best_ best friend ever? Sure, she feels bad for basically monopolizing Amy’s life, and probably ruining her relationship with Madison (not that it was going anywhere anyways), but Amy’s the best thing, and she’s going to make sure her kid knows it too.


	5. Chapter Five

_It’s not easy to know_

_I’m not anything like I used to be_

“Where the _fuck_ is the other one?!” Karma rolls her eyes at Amy’s dramatics. If she wants something frustrating she can come change a one-month-old through a kicking and screaming session. “Seriously, where _do_ his socks go? Does the washer eat them because they’re so damn small?”

Karma can't help but laugh. “I really don’t think it’s because they’re so small since my socks always go missing when you do laundry too,” she’s teasing, sure, but it’s the truth. She’s spending her life savings on new socks since Amy can’t seem to keep track of them. “I think the problem here might be you.”

“Yeah, see if I keep doing your laundry then,” there’s a twinkle in Amy’s eyes, and then she sticks her tongue out, and could she actually get any cuter?

So, Karma focuses on the baby on the floor in front of her to clear her wandering thoughts, and wonders how the _hell_ it’s been a month already. People say time flies once you start having kids, they weren’t wrong. Her little boy has grown and changed so much already that it causes a physical ache in the bottom of her stomach. When she first found out she was pregnant there was an underlying dread at the idea of giving her life up for motherhood - but, now she can’t imagine life without him, and instead of it feeling like she gave her life up, he’s made her everyday of her life _better_.

“Aunt Amy is _so_ dramatic,” she whispers to him, and then Amy scoffs from the couch. Evan kicks his little legs, and makes noises like he’s acknowledging her statement, and she smiles. “He agrees.”

A tiny onesie lands on Karma’s head, and then Amy says, “Do you see the abuse I put up with just to spend time with you, little man?”

“Oh, please, like you don’t love hanging out with me too.”

“Conceited much?” Amy moves to sit on the floor with them and shakes a toy for Evan to see. He reaches his arm out with a closed fist, and Amy looks way too amused by the fact that he can’t quite figure out his hands yet. “When do you think he’ll be able to hold a toy?”

They’re both still watching him and Karma just sort of shrugs. There hasn’t been much time for reading up on his development the way she used to be able to. Sure, Amy’s been a huge help and she barely leaves Karma’s side, except for school, but even with both of them on round the clock duty, he’s been a lot of work. Her parents have helped too, and she’s grateful for their support, but they’re busy with their own lives (that weird yoga, and getting back into business with the juice truck, which has involved a lot of traveling since they’re not exactly welcomed by the Austin Police after _the_ incident). There’s still the lack of sleep thing, but it’s feeling a lot like her body is kind of acclimating to the fact that sleep is something she’s just going to have to go without. Sleep deprivation is the new normal, and Amy’s just had to learn to put up with her general moodiness that occurs from time to time. The best part about Amy being her best friend is that she tends to just raise an eyebrow, and says something like, _‘Nap. Now. Go.’_ when she gets completely out of control.

“We should get him one of those things he can lay under with the dangling toys,” Karma suggests before leaning over to kiss him a few times, he coos in response.

“Shall I go back to money bags?”

Karma knows Amy’s referring to Liam as she sits back up, but she shakes her head and says, “No, I wanna do this for him,” and then pauses to try to word her explanation. “I’m his mom, all the big purchases can’t come from the guy who’s only sort of involved because we blackmailed him into paying.”

“He should have to do _something_ , Karm.”

“I wish he didn’t. Honestly, I wish he’d just disappear completely. I don’t ever wanna have to think of him again, don’t you get that?”

“Yeah, but-” Amy’s cut off by a loud knock on the front door followed by the voices of Shane and Lauren as they enter without invitation.

Typical.

“Oh my _god_ , Karma, his hair,” she swears Shane almost squeals when he sees Evan for the first time, and Karma can’t really help but feel pride swell in her chest. “He’s like... a mini you,” he points out needlessly.

“Some higher being cut me some slack and gave him my looks,” she comments, wryly, and Amy snickers. They share a playful look at the joke as Lauren and Shane settle, Shane to Amy’s right and Lauren to Karma’s left. It’s like a little séance circle around a baby, and Karma almost goes for the ouija board in the attic just to fuck with them. She wishes she’d known they were coming, she might’ve made an effort to not look like she hasn’t showered in a week (she _has_ showered), or maybe she would’ve at least cleaned up the house a little bit.

“You’d think since you practically lived at our house while you were pregnant I’d see this baby more than I have.” Lauren’s not wrong, but she’s sort of horrified of taking him out of the house. What if he gets sick? It’s only March, there’s still way too many winter colds still lingering and no, Karma was never a germaphobe before, but now it’s like everything is gross and covered in potential life threatening illnesses for her baby.

“Once it gets a little warmer I’ll bring him out for more visits.”

Lauren’s eyes narrow. “We live in Austin, not Boston. It was seventy five degrees today.”

Shane grins like he’s in on some big secret. “Karma’s turning into one of _those_ moms.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” she tries her hardest not to be offended, but Shane still sort of gets under her skin. Amy tenses at her side, and Karma feels the mounting tension in the room. She almost takes her kid and bails on the entire hangout.

His mouth opens and shuts, and Karma doesn’t have to look to her right to know Amy’s shooting daggers at him with her eyes. “Nothing … nothing. I just meant you seem protective,” he covers quickly.

“Yeah, well, someone has to be since his _father_ doesn’t really seem to care,” and she immediately regrets firing off at Shane and Lauren who have nothing to do with the fact that Liam is a piece of shit that she hasn’t seen since that day at the hospital. Things are awkward, and Karma digs her nails into her palm and lets out a breath before she finally says, “Sorry. That was unnecessary, you came to see the baby - I’ll be right back.”

The bathroom isn’t really the most clever place to escape to, but it seemed the most reasonable without getting in the car and taking off for the weekend to try to clear her cluttered mind. There’s still a lot more bitterness than she means for. There’s still a lot more hurt than she’ll ever admit to. No, she never expected to run off to some island so Liam could marry her and create some happy family (he’s totally not the person she wants to spend her life with anyway), but she also never expected him to drop her like she was some one night stand. She thought - _hoped_ \- they meant a little more to each other than that. Once upon a time he’d said he loved her, and now, she’s still grappling with the fact that it must’ve all been a lie.

The only person that’s ever really loved her has been Amy.

“Karms, you okay?” Amy’s on the other side of the door, worried, and she can’t blame her.

“I’m good,” she responds as she cracks the door to assure her best friend. “Please don’t leave him with them, you know neither of them knows what to do with a baby.”

“Neither did we a month ago.”

Karma smiles and Amy smiles back, and _god_ , Karma knows they look fucking stupid staring at each other like this, but she really doesn’t care. “Good point, guess we should go back then.”

Shane looks sorry when they get back, but Karma doesn’t really have time to rehash all their issues. Instead, she takes her place next to Lauren and looks down to find Evan looking like he’s on the verge of getting ready to scream. As Karma leans over into his space he settles and yeah, she’s still getting used to being the one thing that makes things better for him. She reaches out to lift his arms up over his head and says, “Evan’s so big!” and his little feet start flailing again.

Lauren laughs a little at their interaction, but freezes when Karma looks over and asks, “Wanna hold him?”

She recovers quickly and Lauren’s poker face slides back into place. “Sure.”

He fusses a little when he’s in Lauren’s arms, and Amy extends a hand out so he can wrap his fingers around hers. “You’re cool, E, Aunt Lauren is totally _not_ gonna drop you.” Lauren’s face twists at Amy’s words, and Karma smirks when her grip tightens around him.

“E?” Karma directs her question at Amy who looks sort of smug about the nickname.

“You know like Eazy E? The rapper?”

“From _Straight Outta Compton?_ ” Karma asks, eyes still trained on Lauren holding her entire life in her hands. Shane’s stayed quiet in the corner after the outburst, but they all know he’s itching to hold the baby. Yeah, maybe Karma purposely gave him to Lauren first… so what?

Amy snorts. “It was a true story, you do know that right?”

“Duh,” she answers offhandedly. She and Amy both know she didn’t know that, but Amy lets it go.

“Well, that’s his new nickname. E’s a little badass-”

“Language,” Karma reminds. Sure, Amy’s been a lot better lately, but she still has the mouth of a trucker on occasion.

“Can I hold him next?” Shane finally asks, and Karma’s glad she held out and waited until he did.

Lauren hands him over easily enough, though her movements are as robotic as Karma remembers being in the beginning. The nurses swore she’d get more comfortable with him - they weren’t wrong. She’s not nearly as worried about breaking him as she was a month ago, but she’d be lying if she said she still wasn’t scared to death of dropping him. She’s not alone in that fear either, Shane looks terrified, struggling to get comfortable. Taking pity on him, she leans over, adjusting his arms a little.

“Don’t be so tense, he’ll pick up on it,” she offers. “He won’t bite.”

He looks up at her with something like relief, or maybe it’s gratitude. “Not yet, anyway,” he adds, trying to lighten the moment. There's a smile to accompany it, but he still looks uncomfortable and stiff. She concedes that it’s probably as good as it’s gonna get - Shane isn’t someone that’s ever seemed at ease around little kids, and it’s going to take time to get him there.

“When are you coming back to school?” Lauren’s question catches her completely off guard, and she sees Amy and Shane’s heads snap up awaiting her answer. Amy’s tried to get into the subject a few times, but Karma’s shot her down at every attempt because she already knows no one’s going to approve of her decision, especially not her best friend.

She clears her throat, licks her lips, and refuses to make eye contact with Amy when she says, “I’m not.”

“You’re what?” Amy snaps back instantly, and Karma’s eyes flutter closed briefly. She knew it was coming. She knew Amy wouldn’t understand a decision like this, not when she’s such a believer in the value of an education. And yeah, Karma believes in all that too, but she also believes in the value of spending time with her kid. Her priorities have changed since he came into the world - Evan’s only going to be little once, she can finish her education at any time really.

“I’m not coming back to Hester, I’m planning to get my GED when he’s a little bit older.”

“So, you’re not planning to graduate with us? Or go to prom? How are you planning to get a job to support him then?” Amy’s spit firing off questions, Karma’s mind’s running rampant, and she suddenly feels ridiculously overwhelmed by a decision she’s been at peace with for the last week.

Lauren, sensing the changing mood of the room, says, “We should be going now.” Karma’s never really been so grateful as she is the moment Lauren looks over and adds, “Shane?”

He nods and Amy moves to take the baby back from him, and they’re totally making eyes at each other in a way that makes Karma’s skin crawl because no, Amy doesn’t need saving from her no matter what Shane thinks. Yeah, she knows Shane still thinks she’s the fucking spawn of Satan sent to ruin Amy’s life, but he wasn’t there for all the years before he ‘outed’ them. He wasn’t there for all of the years she held Amy while she cried herself to sleep after Hank bailed again, or all the nights she took Amy in after another fight with Farrah. Shane likes to act like he’s a better friend to Amy than she ever was, but honestly, it’s not possible for him to _ever_ be able to take her place.

Lauren and Shane head for the door and Karma follows to say her goodbyes, she’s sure Evan’s fine hanging with Amy for a few minutes, and she uses the time to try to collect her thoughts on the discussion she’s about to have.

They’re quick to make their exit, and Lauren is gone after a quick wave and unexpected half hug. But, before she can say goodbye to him, Shane turns, offers her a gift bag with a small smile and says, “I brought this for him. Between you and Amy he’s going to need someone to keep his fashion in check.”

“Should I take that as an insult?” her smile in return is playful, and it feels a lot like the ice is starting to thaw.

“Just giving you the facts,” he states with an air of arrogance she’s grown used to. “Listen, Karma, I just wanted to apologize for the comment before,” he says with a sincerity that she’s unfamiliar with. She supposes this is the side of him that Amy gets to see that’s made them so close. “I’m really sorry. And, for what it’s worth, I think you’re really good with him in a way I didn’t expect - like, I think you make a good mom.”

Karma just smiles because it’s not really like Shane to stumble over his words like he is. A part of her wants to ask him if it’s really _that_ hard to compliment her, but instead, she takes it for what it’s worth and thanks him. They’re not really friends yet, but Karma sort of wonders if they’re towing the line of one day becoming something less than enemies.

* * *

 

It’s like walking into her own trial at the Supreme Court as she walks back to Amy after watching Shane and Lauren back out of her parent’s driveway. If there was some dramatic music playing in the background she’d almost think the whole thing was comical, but she’s really not looking forward to the lecture she’s about to receive.

“I’m back. Do your worst,” Karma manages. She’s expecting an enraged Amy when she gets back to the living room, but right now, Amy just looks sad as she pats the cushion indicating for Karma to take the seat.

“Karma,” she starts, and pauses for a beat before starting again. “I just - I don’t wanna act like your mom, or make you feel like… like you can’t make your own decisions-”

“Good thing my mom doesn’t really care what I do as long as I’m at one with the earth, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Amy rolls her eyes and glances over at Evan sleeping soundly in his little portable crib. “I care about you - I care about both of you. Which means I care about your futures. So, I just - do you really think this is smart? Not going back to school? Missing out on the end of our senior year? You don’t think you’ll regret it?”

They’re valid questions, Karma can at least acknowledge that much. And really, if she was being asked these questions even six months ago the answers would’ve been different. But, she takes one look at her perfect little boy and realizes that none of those things that used to matter really matter anymore. What matters now is _him_ , and none of her old life is even on her radar anymore. Prom? Junior prom wasn’t really anything that bears repeating, and she’d spend the whole night worrying if he was fed, or changed, or wanting to rush home to sing him to sleep. Graduation? Yeah, she’ll miss that, but that doesn’t mean she and Evan can’t go anyway and be the loudest cheering section when they announce Amy’s name.

“No, I don’t think I’ll regret it,” she’s feeling a sort of confidence when she finally says it. “I think I’d regret losing those days with him more, honestly. He means more to me than any of that stuff now. I don’t wanna have to send him to daycare and have him know those people more than he knows me.”

A hand lands on top of her own on the cushion between them and Amy’s eyes soften. “You really are a mom now, huh?” her voice is soft and the judgment’s been replaced by some sort of sudden clarity.

“Ames, I’ve been a mom for the last month.”

“No, but like, this is it. That moment when you’re really making decisions _for_ him and not for yourself anymore.”

“Oh,” she breathes and squeezes Amy’s pinky finger because this is heavy. And not at all how she thought the conversation would go. “It’s weird. They’re just not things I care about anymore like I used to. I’m more worried about being here for his bedtime, and getting to make sure I’m the last one he sees when he closes his eyes. I’m worried about whether he’s cold, or sad… I’m worried about whether he knows he’s loved. I know I can’t really give him everything and he’s missing a parent. We kind of started at a disadvantage, but I can be here, and that’s more than a lot of kids get from their parents.”

They both know it wasn’t meant to be a shot at Amy’s upbringing, but she flinches like it was anyway. Karma remembers all the nights Amy would’ve given a limb to just have a mother who didn’t scowl at every move she made, and to have a father who was just _there_ when she needed him to be. So, when Amy really hears the words coming out of Karma’s mouth she nods, and it feels like the weight of disapproval is lifted.

“I’m going to get my GED - I just need a little while, but I will.”

“I know you will, Karms. I was just being stupid… but I get it now. If it’s what’s best for him I know you’ll do it.”

* * *

 

The digital clock on the nightstand is blinking what looks like 3:47 when she feels the mattress shift as Amy gets out of bed. Evan’s whimpering from his bassinet across the room and she just sort of assumes that must be the source of the interruption.

“Hey, E, what’s up buddy?” she can vaguely make out Amy’s silhouette as she scoops him up, and she’s going to owe Amy for the rest of forever for these few extra hours of sleep. “Let’s make a deal - I’ll feed you and change you as long as you let your mom sleep for a little while longer. What do you think of that?”

Karma’s heart warms instantly, and she debates getting out of bed to help, but then she’s curious to see what the two of them are like when she’s not around. The room stays dark when Amy walks out to the kitchen for a bottle, and Karma uses the time to situate herself so she still appears to be sleeping.

“Okay, we have our midnight snack heating up, let’s tackle this diaper,” Amy flicks on a small light near his little changing table and the glow sort of illuminates them both in the corner of the room. Evan’s eyeing Amy like he’s not quite sure she’s capable of this task, and Karma stifles a giggle at his furrowed eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that. We got this, E. It’s just a diaper - how is this possible?! You are too _small_ to be making diapers like this.”

Amy’s basically appalled, and yeah, Karma totally knows what kind of diaper Evan just gifted her with. It’s always fucking amazed her that this little eight pound baby (he’s gotten so big already!) can poop to the extent that he does. It’s only been a month and most of the diapers they got out of Liam back in October are gone, she wonders if they can get a fucking tax break on Pampers.

It takes a while for Amy get him all settled in a new diaper and pajamas. It’s never not entertaining to watch her try to dig through all his little outfits to find one she’s satisfied with. He’s just going to bed, he doesn’t really need to look like a little Gap model, but if there’s one thing Amy loves doing with Evan it’s picking out his ensembles.

“Lookin’ good my man!” his tiny little chicken legs start going at her praise and Amy grins in the dim light. A few seconds later he starts to fuss and then he’s back up in Amy’s arms. “Look, bud, heating things takes time, I can’t make that bottle get warm any quicker… well, I can, but whatever, you’re like four weeks old what the fu- _heck_ do you know about physics or chemistry anyway.”

She puts her finger in his mouth while they pace the room for a few minutes and Amy snorts when he sucks away like his life depends on it. “Don’t bite - oh wait, you don’t have any teeth.”

Amy’s so lame (laughing at her own joke) as they go fetch his bottle - Karma loves her anyway.

Then, there’s the creak of the rocking chair in the corner, it’s been one of the best gifts from Molly and Lucas, and a total lifesaver on nights that Evan despises sleep like it’s going to ruin his life. Karma tilts her head slightly and sees Amy sitting with one leg tucked beneath her as the rocker sways back and forth. Evan is wrapped up in his favorite blanket in her arms with his bottle in his mouth and he’s staring at Amy like she hung the stars (and she kind of did since Karma has a matching set decorating her ceiling that Amy threw up two weeks before she had him.)

“You know, formula smells _awful_ , but you guzzle this stuff down like it’s got crack in it… does it?” Amy stares at the bottle skeptically before popping it out to burp him. “So, since we have a few minutes to talk,” she pauses to rearrange him again and continues with the bottle as Evan wraps his little hands around the sides like he’s showing her how he likes to be fed. “I was thinking we could talk about the future. I just wanted you to know that I’m always gonna be around… I love your mama to death, I always will, but I’ll _always_ be around for you too if you need someone. Think of me as your… life coach or something. No, that’s stupid. And not the point - the point is, whatever you need, I’ve got you. Obviously, this goes for your mom too, but you’re kind of your own person now so I wanted to make my own promises to you.”

Tears fill Karma’s eyes instantly at Amy’s little speech to her baby, and it takes everything in her to keep herself in that bed and not jump up to hug the hell out of the both of them. They continue on with the feeding while Amy attempts to hum to him, (and it’s completely out of key) and she does a little fake cheer for him once he finishes. There’s a mini fist bump after his final burp, then Amy lays him down gently whispers, _‘love you, little man,’_ and waits until he drifts off before Karma feels the mattress dip under her weight.

“Night, Karm.”

“You knew?”

Amy’s laugh makes the bed shake slightly. “You’re not exactly subtle. I could see the blankets moving when you laughed.”

“Damn it,” Karma groans and flips onto her back. “I thought I did so well.”

“I didn’t mean to burst your bubble. But, just so you know, I meant every word I said to him.”

She looks over to find Amy’s eyes falling closed, and it reminds her a lot of the way Evan’s fall when he has a full belly. And really, she loves them both entirely too much. “I know you did. And we love you for it.” Without thinking, Karma runs a hand through Amy’s hair, and Amy sighs contentedly at it. She should turn over try to get some rest while she can, but instead she just snuggles closer, takes a breath, and realizes her bed smells distinctly like _Amy_ now.

Long after Amy’s fallen into a deep sleep, she’s still watching her, knowing that deep down, her confession was more of an ‘I love you’ than a ‘we love you.’ It’s a silly distinction, she knows that, and Amy won’t even _care_ , but still. It matters to Karma. It matters because she never thought she’d love her this way, especially not now. A year ago all she would’ve wanted was to see Liam feeding the baby and pacing the floor, not Amy.

Fantasy and reality have rarely matched for her. Things never turn out like she expects, but she’s beginning to realise it’s not a bad thing, especially where Amy is concerned.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts some… drama I suppose. It can’t all be fluffy rainbows. Also, big thanks to lazarusgirl for this one (and all of them), but she basically co-wrote this chapter with me, and it’s all the better for it.

_If I’m honest I would give it all back_

_For a chance to start over_

There’s the faint glow of sunlight streaming through the blinds and Karma feels very… _refreshed_. And, well, that’s something she hasn’t felt in the last three months since she had a kid - she throws an arm out to the nightstand for her phone and blinks a few times when she actually registers that it’s seven in the morning. There’s a mess of blonde hair on the pillow next to her, but Karma’s heart is in her throat because her baby does _not_ let her sleep in - and she’s instantly imagining hundreds of worst case scenarios.

It’s like she can’t possibly get to his room quick enough (her parents finally cleared out Zen’s shit so Evan could have a space of his own) to lay her hand on his back to find that his little chest is still rising and falling peacefully. Her body is still having some terrible physiological reaction to the whole chaos of the morning, but she’s trying to really appreciate the fact that he just slept through the night for the first time ever. Really though, Karma knows she should be happier, but she’s sort of just lamenting the fact that it feels like she’s going to blink and her little boy will be twenty-five announcing his marriage to some girl (or guy) he met in college and her whole life will be past her just that quick.

“Hey,” Amy rolls over tiredly when Karma reappears in the doorway. She has a sleepy smile on, eyes full of questions when she asks, “Where’s your head at?”

“Evan just slept through the night for the first time.”

Amy’s eyes widen. “Holy shit!”

“I know… I know I should be excited too, but-” she trails off, sitting back on her side of the bed.

“But what?” Amy’s sitting back up, adjusting her shirt where it slid up along her stomach, and Karma really has to fucking remind herself to look away.

“What if he doesn’t need me anymore?” she feels ridiculous the second the words leave her mouth, so she averts her eyes to the lined patterns that cover the sheets on the bed.

“Karma,” Amy looks amused as she inches closer. “He’s always gonna need you. You’re his mom. We should be celebrating; we might actually get some rest now! It’s only been three _freaking_ months of no sleep.”

Karma grins at how much Amy’s cleaned up her daily language that now she just says _freaking_ without a second thought. “I started to not mind the whole not sleeping thing.”

“No, you’re just so sleep deprived you don’t even know what you’re saying.”

“Yeah… maybe…” she concedes that could be true, but it doesn’t really cancel out that she feels woefully unnecessary in his life now. She takes the few minutes she has to herself to stretch to try to relieve some of the tension in her shoulders. As she lets out a yawn, she looks over to find Amy’s eyes looking just below her eye line, which is basically anywhere but where they _should_ be.

“My eyes are up here, perv.”

“What? They’re very… prominent right now.”

“Remind me when we thought you were anything other than gay?”

Amy lets out a full fledged belly laugh, and Karma smirks, suddenly feeling quite confident about her own body. It’s been a long time since she’s actually felt like her body might be something worth showing off, even if Amy’s always made her feel rather _appreciated_ in that aspect.

It’s then that Evan chooses to let out a whimper into the baby monitor, and Karma’s really fucking excited to see him. It feels like it’s been forever (it’s only been about six hours) and she rushes to grab him, reappearing with a sleepy-eyed baby in her arms.

“E! Hey, buddy, good morning,” Amy coos at him, and she’s rewarded with a smile. Karma’s heart feels like it’s going to burst now that he responds and smiles at the sound of their voices. She hands him over when Amy holds out her arms for him. “How’d you sleep, huh? Did you finally let us get some rest?”

He smiles more, and Karma is about ninety-four percent convinced that Amy is his favorite person on earth. Amy gets more smiles out of him than should be fair, but how mad can Karma really be when she gets to watch them basically have little conversations every morning before Amy leaves for school. Then, she remembers it’s Saturday and yeah, she’s a little giddy at the thought of having the two of them to herself for the day.

“You want breakfast, little man?” he sort of makes a few noises and moves his mouth like he wants so badly to respond to her questions, and there goes Amy again with that fucking smitten look on her face.

Somewhere along the line, Evan totally became Amy’s best friend, and Karma’s really totally okay with it. There were so many other ways this relationship could’ve gone, and this is definitely the best thing that could’ve happened. It never occurred to her that she could be so happy being a single mom, living in her parents house, barely getting by - but she’s never been as happy as she is on weekend mornings in bed with her two favorite people.

* * *

 

Whole Foods is just as crowded as they expected it to be on a Saturday afternoon, and she curses food shopping on weekends for the hundredth time, but when else is she supposed to go? Amy’s pretty busy all week, and it’s something they do together now since neither of them is paying rent to basically just take over Karma’s house. Sure, her parents said they totally didn’t have to do this, but it eases Karma’s mind a little about the burden she puts on them, and it feels like the least she can do.

It doesn’t change the fact that it feels like there are a million people in here on Saturdays - but she’s trying to be better about getting Evan out of the house to expose him to the world. Now that he’s a little bit older he seems to appreciate all the noise and people scattered throughout the store, his face is always full of fascination and childlike wonder about the whole thing. She hopes he never loses that constant enjoyment for what’s around him. The thing that’s been the most fun over the last few months has been watching him learn. He’s only just now starting to get some control over his hands and feet, and he’s figuring out very quickly that his hands can go in his mouth (as if she wasn’t worried about germs before).

It’s hard to navigate a busy grocery store with a stroller, and really, people are just fucking _rude_. No one seems to be concerned about the baby; they’re too worried about getting to their goddamn hummus to pay her any mind. Amy’s who the fuck knows where. Things got weird after some middle-aged woman mistook them for a couple, and Amy just _had_ to busy herself with finding her share of the groceries, following a list she was convinced she didn’t need. She’s tired of standing around like some lost puppy, so she just goes for the next item herself. Eventually, Karma shoves through a pile of people to get to the eggs - it takes far too long just to secure a dozen, but she backs up in victory only to find Evan’s mini shoe being trampled by a few old ladies.

“Hey, I got the apples-” Amy stops when she sees Karma’s face and glances around for the source of anger. “What’s wrong?”

“He kicked his shoe off,” she points out, and then Amy catches a glimpse of a baby Converse under the shoe of an old woman.

Amy nods as though it’s her life’s work to rescue Evan’s shoes. “I got this, Karm. Hold these,” she hands the bag over to Karma before forging forward. She emerges victorious seconds later, holding his shoe in the air like a small trophy. “Told you!”

“Our hero!” Karma shouts back obnoxiously, and Amy flushes at the attention.

“Knock it off!”

Karma giggles. “Really, you’re a lifesaver. Ev totally appreciates you not making him the one shoe weirdo of Whole Foods.”

Amy just shakes her head, and wiggles the shoe back onto Evan’s left food before standing and leaning in to whisper, “Heads up. Taylor Collins incoming. Two o’clock.”

Karma straightens up and makes every attempt to brush the non-existent wrinkles from her yoga pants. No, it’s not her normal ‘leave-the-house’ attire, but she wasn’t expecting to run into anyone either. Especially not someone from school. Especially not someone _cute_ (even Amy thinks he’s cute). And yeah, Amy keeps saying, ‘ _you had a kid, you didn’t die and you’re definitely not dead from the waist down either,’_ but the thought of anything even remotely _sexy_ happening is terrifying. She’s getting ahead of herself though, because Taylor’s just doing his cute smiling thing, and it’s entirely possible she can hear the popping of his gum all the way over here.

“Karma, Amy,” he nods his head to acknowledge them both. “You look good, Karma. Been a while,” he continues, adding a wink.

Karma swallows. Being winked at by a cute boy in Whole Foods is now the peak of her interaction with guys. Even for her, this is a new low.

“Hey,” she says, right as Amy overlaps with a way cooler, “What’s up, Collins?”

“Nothin’ much,” he shrugs. “Just trying to navigate this …” he waves his hands around before leaning on one of the coolers. “Like who even wants red lentils, or any fricken lentils you know? Mom’s on a health kick.”

“Actually, they’re really good for you. There’s lots of stuff you can do with them,” Karma blurts out before she even realizes.

Oh _god_. She’s turning into her own mother. Decades early.

Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Amy staring. It’s Amy’s patented _‘what the fuck are you doing Karma?’_ stare. But Karma doesn’t even know. It’s like tourettes or something, without the cursing, or maybe it’s because she’s talking to someone her own age that _isn’t_ Lauren, Shane, or Amy... or Lisbeth and Leila (though she’s not really sure the brief conversation they both managed between shrieking and cooing over Evan really counts as talking). She’s socially stunted these days, and terrifyingly close to striking up conversations in the baby aisle with fraught mothers that are twice her age.

“Don’t get my mom on recipes, you’ll never leave!” he laughs, but it’s nervous - like he’s seeing Karma differently all of a sudden.

“Hey, don’t knock it, man,” Amy jumps in. “The food Karma’s mom makes is like crack, I swear. Healthy lentil-based crack.”

Karma kind of loves Amy right now. Always with the save. Always ready to make herself look ridiculous and not care. Right now, Karma just wants the floor to swallow her whole, but Amy’s fine.

“Yeah, so I heard,” he’s smirking, and it’s a sly little dig about their arrest, but Karma ignores it. Somehow, Amy does too. He looks between them a few times, clearly unsure where his attention should be. Then, he finally notices Evan when Karma shifts the stroller and the constantly squeaking left front wheel gives them away. “So,” he begins, bending until he’s at Evan’s level, “this is the little guy, huh?”

Karma hears Amy mutter a _‘no shit, Sherlock’_ and she suppresses a laugh. Seconds later, she’s tense because Taylor’s reaching into the stroller to rattle one of Evan’s toys, and she steels herself, certain he’s going to scream the place down. It’s a huge relief when he doesn’t.

“Hey, dude, how’s it goin’?” he asks, making the toy rattle again so Evan stares warily. “What’s his name?” Taylor asks, looking up at Karma with a smile that makes her just want to melt into the floor instead of disappear. The attention is nice, and really, she’s forgotten what it’s like to be noticed by a _boy_ \- she’s always craved the attention, it’s just something that’s at the root of her personality and having a kid hasn’t changed that.

“Evan,” Amy answers for her after a beat, because Karma’s apparently forgotten how to speak.

“Usually I think all babies look the same, but he’s pretty cute,” a pause. “Just like his mama. He’s got your eyes,” he adds, finally, like the cherry on top of the nicest cake Karma’s eaten in months.

She hears Amy suppress a groan.

“You think?” Karma asks, not quick enough to hide her swooning. It’s kind of pathetic.

Taylor rises slowly, still looking at Karma as he rests his hand on the stroller, just missing hers. “Totally,” he nods, leaning a little closer so she gets a lungful of Trident mintyness. “Same shade of green and everything.”

“You guys want a room or something?” Amy comments with a sort of passive aggressiveness that makes Karma wince. She’s joking, and smiling, but the thinly-veiled annoyance is hard to miss.

“She’s just kidding,” Karma jumps in, not wanting Taylor to think Amy is being serious (even though Karma’s one hundred percent sure she is).

“It’s all good,” Taylor replies, patting Karma’s hand on the stroller. “I meant it though. Cute.” Karma looks down at it, strangely transfixed, wondering why it doesn’t feel anything like she thought it would.

The flirting was nice, the attention even nicer, but it’s nothing like when Amy’s hand brushes hers, or when Amy happens to touch her in the smallest of ways - it’s like a little thrill, like all her nerve-endings firing at once, but in the _best_ way. Except, how does she tell Amy that after what she’s just witnessed?

Wrong place, wrong time.

Always.

“I better go before she puts out an APB or something,” he shrugs, tilting his head toward the other aisle. Karma can just about see Mrs. Collins browsing the shelves. She’s not so much fun. Mothers don’t tend to like her these days. Everyone on their street looks at her like she’s a potential menace to their sons.

With a small smile, he turns and says, “Later ladies,” adding a little wave for Evan.

“Hey, Collins,” Amy calls, making him turn back. “Those red lentils,” she adds, throwing them toward him so fast he fumbles to catch the packet.

“Thanks!” he manages, looking perturbed.

Considering Lauren once said she had all the coordination of a baby goat, that was Katniss Everdeen levels of targeting. Karma’s not sure what the hell just happened, but it feels like something they shouldn’t be talking about in the middle of aisle eight.

“Amy, I-”

“Your flirting skills have _really_ improved,” Amy’s teases, but Karma still feels like she messed something up. “We really _do_ need to go out more,” she laughs, but again, there’s that uneasy feeling, that familiar ache that says she did something to hurt Amy and isn’t sure of what. Except, this time she knows exactly what it is.

Amy always said feelings don’t have a switch. Feelings like Amy’s don’t even fade, she’s just learned to ignore them. Karma thought she’d learned to ignore them too.

* * *

 

It takes an hour and a half, and probably half the Carpenters’ discography, to get Evan to go down for his nap a few days after the supermarket incident. Amy hasn’t talked about the fact that she sounded a lot like a jealous ex when Taylor was _not so subtly_ flirting, and Karma certainly hasn’t brought up the fact that all she really wants is for Amy to touch her like she used to, back when they were faking it, so she can draw a better comparison. But, Amy’s been weirdly distant - not so distant that it draws attention, but Karma _knows_ because she _knows_ Amy. Karma can fucking tell when just a week ago she fell asleep every night with Amy’s arm around her, and now it’s like there’s some weird electric fence running down the middle of the bed. Yeah, Amy’s everyday demeanor is normal, she still sleeps over, and loves all over Evan, and makes sure Karma’s eating and taking care of herself, but it doesn’t matter. Karma can still feel the underlying rift that’s been there ever since Taylor walked away with his red lentils.

Sure, Karma’s used to spending the majority of the day without her partner-in-crime, but the days always seem to last a little longer when things with Amy feel weird and off-kilter, and all she really wants is to see that little Honda pulling into the driveway. Instead, when she glances toward the window she’s met with the site of Farrah’s Acura and her mind immediately shoots to _‘did something happen to Amy?!’_ \- and these minor panic attacks really have to stop.

Is that a mom thing?

There’s a gust of wind when Karma opens the door a few seconds before Farrah knocks, but she manages to welcome her inside.

“Sorry for the mess,” she explains as she tidies away little clothes and toys.

“It comes with the territory, Karma. Don’t apologize,” Farrah offers, but Karma can’t remember Amy’s house _ever_ being a mess in all the years they’ve known each other. Clearly, Farrah has some superpower that she wasn’t blessed with upon the birth of her own kid. “How is my handsome boy?”

“He finally went down for a nap about ten minutes ago, you should’ve called this way you didn’t waste a drive.”

In the three months since Evan was born Karma feels like her relationship with Farrah has grown in leaps and bounds. And sure, they’ve reached a comfort level since that day in the delivery room, but Karma still feels like she’s walking on eggshells every once in awhile (this is one of those times).

“I was actually hoping to speak with you for a few minutes before Amy got here.”

Karma freezes. “Well…” she’s nervous and desperately trying not to show it. “You’re in luck. Amy’s gonna be late today - she’s working on an article for the paper.”

“I was hoping that might be the case. Why don’t you have a seat so we can talk?” Farrah is proper and reserved. Karma wonders what she did wrong. There’s no way Amy went home and ranted about the meeting of Taylor Collins in the bean aisle of the supermarket … is there? And would Farrah really come over with lectures _now_ , after everything else they’ve been through?

Karma sits carefully, feeling entirely on edge and uncertain. She blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, “Is Amy okay?”

“She is,” Farrah assures, hands remaining folded in her lap. “I just wanted to discuss what your plans for the future are.”

Oh. The Future. That thing. The way Farrah says it makes it sound like it really should have capital letters.

It’s the exact thing Karma spends a lot of her time avoiding and simultaneously worrying about. All she can think about some nights while she lays awake in bed is The Future, and yet, _her_ future is so vague and shapeless that it’s just this amorphous blob she tries not to focus on. She doesn’t know where Evan will be, or what their relationship with Liam will ever come to be. She doesn’t know what he’ll look like, or what school she wants him to go to, or how they’ll get by if they ever manage to move the fuck out of her childhood home. She doesn’t know what her future looks like, but frankly, she’s always seen Amy in it in some form.

It’s only recently that Amy’s role in her future has maybe started to change and Karma wonders if maybe Amy could _be_ The Future.

Then, she remembers she has yet to answer Farrah who’s still staring expectantly. “I’m planning to get my GED when Evan’s a little bit older. I just don’t have the time to be able to go back to school right now - I don’t want him to spend all his time daycare. He’s more important to me. I know not everyone’s gonna agree with that, but that’s how I’m choosing to parent.”

“And mother-to-mother, I respect your choice,” Farrah pauses, and Karma can feel the _but_ already. “But, have you thought about Amy in all this?”

_What?_

This conversation isn’t going anywhere that she expected, and none of it is making any sense. What does Amy have to do with her not going back to Hester? And what does Amy have to do with her GED? It’s not like Amy isn’t finishing high school - hell, it’s May already, graduation is right around the corner.

“I don’t see what Amy has to do with my decision to not go back to high school.”

Farrah nods and adjusts her position until they’re almost face-to-face. “Karma, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your decisions have always determined the decisions Amy makes. Even from when you were little. I understand she’s your best friend, and I know you have some sort of … _connection_ with my daughter,” Karma goes to interrupt, but Farrah’s stern glance shuts her up immediately. “I have no idea what that is exactly, but my point is, Amy has always changed her life around to make you happy, whether you’ve asked her to or not. And I’m so glad she’s been able to be there for you and Evan, Lord knows it’s not easy raising a child alone,” there’s a pause and silent moment of understanding that passes between them, and in no future did Karma ever see herself bonding with Amy’s mom over their shared histories. “But, I’m worried that Amy’s holding herself back from some things so she can be here with both of you - and I _hope_ that she means enough to you that you wouldn’t let her do that.”

All of Farrah’s words start spinning in Karma’s head, and she starts to feel the telltale signs of the beginning of a headache. This all feels like too much. It’s been overwhelming enough trying to figure out how to keep her kid alive - she’s been so worried about Evan that everything else has just been passing her by. Including what Amy’s plans for college and her career might be. She never actually asked Amy about next year, or whether she even applied for Clement like they planned so long ago.

“Farrah, I - there’s not… did she say something to you?”

A paper is laid gently on Karma’s lap and she can barely focus enough to read the words - the only thing she can make out is:

_Congratulations! It is my pleasure to inform you of your admission to San Antonio College. Your admission is to the level, term, college, and major listed below._

_**Level** : Freshman    **College** : Liberal Arts _

_**Term** : Fall 2018    **Major** : Photography_

“She got in,” Karma breathes out, unsure why it feels like the air’s been sucked from her own lungs.

“She did,” Farrah confirms. She then lays a hand on Karma’s and says, “But, she has to accept the offer within the next two weeks. I had to call to get an extension - the deadline was on the first of May, but she’s been avoiding having any sort of conversation with me about this.”

When she looks up to meet Farrah’s eyes, they’re surprisingly soft and full of understanding. “She can’t not go,” Karma almost whispers.

“I came to you because she won’t listen to me. And her father contacted me a few weeks ago saying Amy mentioned deferring,” Farrah squeezes her hand once as Karma sniffs back tears threatening to fall. “I want what’s best for her,” she swears Farrah pauses for dramatic effect before takes the final blow, “And I think you do too.”

Well, if that wasn’t a fucking bombshell. Farrah exits quietly when it’s clear Karma needs the time to process, there’s a half hug somewhere in there, but it barely registers.

* * *

 

It’s been a few hours since their conversation, but Karma can’t get any of Farrah’s words out of her head. Should she tell Amy to go? And why didn’t Amy come to her with that acceptance letter? Why are they keeping things from each other? Again. Karma thought they were past all the lying and secrets, but it’s clear that even with all the progress they’ve made, there are still things coming between them.

She can’t imagine a world where Amy doesn’t go to college, but that clashes with the fact that she can’t imagine a world where Amy isn’t the one reading bedtime stories to Evan every night. And yeah, that’s selfish, but she’s gotten used to this routine with Amy - even if she’s fully aware they’ve basically been _playing house_ for the last three months, acting like the world isn’t going to stomp in and blow it all down. The world outside of their bubble still exists, no matter how much they’ve wanted to ignore it… and Karma’s _really_ tried to ignore it.

Evan’s cries break through her thoughts, and she rolls through the motions of his bath, pajamas, and bottle - but he insists on giving her a hard time when it comes to sleeping. It’s frustrating, and she’s pretty sure he probably misses Amy, and all of Amy’s unanswered texts and missed calls are making her feel guilty when he’s crying like he is.

“Fuck,” she lets out under her breath as she rocks him while she paces the room.

“Karma, dear, do you want me to take him for a little bit?” her mom’s voice startles them both, she had no idea they were home yet.

Her voice is heavy with defeat when she says, “Please. I just need a few minutes.”

Once he’s out of the room, she flops into the rocking chair in the corner with a sigh. There’s an alternate universe out there where Karma never slept with Liam, she never had Evan, and at this very moment she’s running to Amy’s with a college acceptance letter in her hands, ready to start playing house in a very different way. And for a second, she lets herself really get lost in that fantasy and that world - where she isn’t responsible for a child, and all she’s worried about is frat parties, essays, and Amy.

It’s not unlike Karma to ponder what-ifs and all the roads left untraveled. But, when her mom returns with a sleeping baby in her arms a few minutes later, she instantly remembers _why_ she’s so happy living in a world where that future doesn’t exist.

“Thank you,” she whispers after he’s back in his crib.

“I remember when you were this little,” her mom comments, nostalgia evident in her eyes when Karma looks over. “It doesn’t get any easier, Karma, but this time will go by so fast - be sure to enjoy the time you have.”

It’s oddly insightful coming from her mom, but it serves as a reminder of why she isn’t taking him and running off to San Antonio College too. He’s only going to be little once, and as a mother, what’s best for her isn’t always going to be what’s best for him.

Karma generally has a selfish side to her personality, she’s certainly aware of it, but ever since February fourteenth it’s been shrinking in ways she could’ve never predicted. And if there was ever a time to learn to be really selfless - well, this is probably it.

“Are you okay?”

She nods. “I’ll be fine, Mom. Thanks.”

His chest rises and falls, watching him sleep calms her frantic mind, and her heart grows three sizes as he shifts and sighs contentedly.

For the first time, in a long time, she goes to bed without saying goodnight to Amy. They both need time and space, and if she’s really honest, she needs to stop relying on her for everything. Amy _will_ go to San Antonio. Karma will learn to live without her.

This is the first day of letting her go.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a turning point.

_And carves out a person_

_And makes you believe it’s all true_

“Karma, open the door!”

It’s been a long week avoiding Amy, and hearing her voice outside the door really isn’t helping Karma keep her resolution. Somehow, she’s hoping this avoidance makes Amy’s decision easier - there’s no way her and Evan are going to be the ones to hold Amy back from her future. She’s learning to put things ahead of her own needs, but it’s harder than she ever thought it’d be when she really just wants to see her best friend.

“Karma… please…” Amy sounds desperate, and in spite of what Karma knows she should do, she can feel herself caving.

Farrah’s words are still circling when she finally cracks the door. “Uh...Amy, hey.”

“Karma, what the fuck? You haven’t answered me, I haven’t seen you or Evan. I’ve been freaking out-”

“We’ve been busy, no big,” Karma shrugs, trying for nonchalant, but Amy’s glare says that isn’t explanation enough.

Yeah, she didn’t think it would be.

Evan fusses from his blanket on the floor over near the couch, and Amy pretty much rushes the door to get to him. “Hey, bud, I’ve missed you,” she cuddles him close and Karma remembers exactly _why_ avoidance was the route she took - because scenes like this are going to have her wrapping her arms around Amy’s legs, begging her to forget her life plan. Amy keeps talking like her three month old even understands, and says, “I know, it’s been a rough week being separated like that, never again, okay?”

Evan just drools in response, and Karma realizes just how fucking _smitten_ Amy really is when she just smiles and kisses his cheeks a few times anyway.

“Ames, we need to talk.”

Amy’s eyes flick up. “Yeah, I think we do,” her voice is low, the resentment is evident, and Karma thinks it’s probably completely justified.

This is hard, it’s all harder than Karma expected. Sure, raising a kid was always going to be a challenge, but she assumed Amy would be here for it. It was never a concern that she’d have to shove her best friend off to college (and, _God_ , all she wants to do is be sophomore year levels of selfish with Amy right now). The irony isn’t lost on her that the one thing that’s teaching her to be selfless is what’s separating them anyway. Life has been playing a cruel joke on them since they were fifteen years old - it doesn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. Karma sighs as Amy rocks her little boy to sleep.

It’s like Amy knows that all she’s trying to do is create distance. It’s like Amy knows exactly what’s going to make it even harder to have this conversation they’re hurdling themselves towards.

Together, they put him in his crib in Zen’s old room, and Amy whispers, “G’night, little man,” before leaning over to kiss his forehead.

Karma’s heart _aches_.

Angry eyes flash back toward Karma as Amy gestures for them to leave the room. Fuck. It’s not like she wanted to ruin things between them - she was hoping a few weeks of less time together would make Amy being a few hours away for college seem semi-normal.

The door to Karma’s room clicks shut behind them, Amy’s quick to get to the point, moving closer with her hands in the air as Karma stands against the door. “You need to tell me what your deal is right now. You can’t just shut down and shut me out when this is about more than just you and me now. Your kid’s involved, and I promised you _and_ him that I’d be here. You don’t get to decide when I can and can’t have access to him after I’ve basically been living here since he was born, okay? I love him too and you can’t just take him away-”

“Amy, your mom was here last week.”

The stunned silence speaks volumes. Amy takes a few steps back before leaning on her dresser, her face guarded and unreadable. Karma takes a seat carefully on the edge of the bed, her hands under her thighs to stop from reaching across the space between them.

“My mom was here? Like, in your house?”

“She _has_ been here before-”

“Yeah, but not usually when I’m not here too,” their eyes meet as Amy slouches a little further against the furniture. “What did she say to you?”

There’s worry in Amy’s eyes and Karma’s pretty sure no one but her would even see it. Truth be told, she’s a little pissed that she’s basically being lied to right now, and they’re continuing to pretend that they don’t both know _exactly_ what happened with Farrah. Amy is not stupid, what else would Farrah have ever come to the her house for?

“Really?”

“Really, what? I haven’t been here for a week, so I _clearly_ don’t know what my mother came here for,” it’s a low blow and the look on Amy’s face says she knows it too.

Karma huffs her annoyance. “You’re gonna really act like you didn’t get an acceptance letter from San Antonio College and said _nothing_ to me, Amy?”

“Karma…” Amy stands fully again, but Karma’s up off the bed in an instant.

“Don’t. Amy, this isn’t - you can’t be doing this just because I had a baby,” Karma’s pacing because the room feels way too small all of a sudden. She wishes they’d done this outside so at least there’d be fresh air and open space, but being here like this feels suffocating. Her emotions are too heightened already, she can’t even figure how they’re going to actually have this talk.

“You mean doing what I promised you? Being here for you because your selfish prick of an ex boyfriend knocked you up and bailed? I told you the night you came to me that we’d figure this out. That we’d do this together. College doesn’t mean half as much to me as you both do.”

“Don’t say things like that,” Karma says, as she tries to hold back all the emotion threatening to pour out between them. Things like that sound far too much like hope that Karma’s not willing to focus on. Amy _has_ to go because Karma refuses to have her best friend resent her ten years down the line for all the things she didn’t do, and all the sacrifices she volunteered to make.

“Why? It’s true. I love you both and I _want_ to be here. You’ve never forced me.”

“And what about the rest of your life?” Karma counters, certain this is where Amy will realize her mistake.

Amy sighs and averts her eyes to the floor. “The rest of my life is wherever you both are,” she admits, softly. “I’ve told you that so many times,” and then she looks back up, tears pooling without acknowledgment. “When will you start to believe me?”

Well, she never really could stand to see Amy cry. She takes her place back on the edge of the bed, pulling Amy by the hand to sit next to her. “We’ll still be here, Amy, but you have to go.”

“I can work here… it’s not like we live in Wyoming - we live in a major city in Texas, I can find a job and we can get an apartment with Evan, and-”

Karma uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe at the tear tracks along Amy’s cheeks, chest tightening in pain as Amy grapples for reasons to stay with them. It means _so much_ to Karma that she’d fight so hard to try to make this work, even if she already knows with one hundred percent certainty that Amy is going to go.

“None of those jobs are going to be what you love,” she tells Amy slowly, like she needs time to really register what’s being said. “You’re not going to be able to do what you wanna do without this program. You and I both know that.”

Amy nods in understanding, head hung low. It’s hard to see her like this when Karma’s so used to this girl being her knight in shining armor. Everything since the beginning of her pregnancy has been the reverse of this - it’s been Amy assuring her things would be okay, it’s been Amy keeping her in check when she’s about to go out of her mind trying to keep a kid alive, it’s been Amy making sure she gets sleep, and eats, and is still a functioning human outside of being a mother. It only stands to reason that it’s about time Karma steps the fuck up and makes the hard decisions when Amy just _can’t_.

The phrase ‘silence is deafening’ has never made more sense than it does in this room where they’ve been seated in the same spot next to each other for the last twenty minutes or so. Amy’s hand is wrapped tightly in hers and Karma’s just barely keeping her shit together because she really needs to be stronger than she normally is.

“You need to accept their offer,” Karma barely manages, Amy’s back tenses at her words.

“I know.”

“Ames, why didn’t you tell me?” she finally asks after a moment. It’s the one question she’s been dying to ask since the second Farrah left her living room a week ago. It’s the one question that _only_ Amy has the answer to.

“I wanted to,” Amy admits before turning to look at her. “You’re my best friend, you’re the only person I wanted to talk to because I’ve been so lost about this. But… how do I talk to you _about_ leaving you?”

It’s a valid point. Karma lays her head on Amy’s shoulder because the sadness in her eyes is too much. It’s all too much, really, and the claustrophobic feeling comes crawling back in from the depths. “I still wish you would’ve told me.”

She can feel Amy’s unsteady breathing from this position now. “I’m sorry.”

The ‘I’m sorry’ feels like it’s for a lot more than just the omission about the college letter - it feels like sorry for leaving you, it feels like sorry for breaking all of the promises I made nine months ago, it feels like sorry I have to chase my future while you surrender yours. It feels like four hundred different sorry’s all wrapped into one little package, it makes Karma really just want to kick and scream about how unfair this all became the moment that pregnancy test read positive.

“You know, your mom’s worried about you, that’s why she came here, not to ruin your life. She wants to help you - she’s looking at the big picture because all you and I can see is right now,” she’s telling Amy what she hopes is going to make them both feel better - it’s really just ripping them both to shreds anyway. Karma doesn’t want the big fucking picture. She wants what’s right now, fuck the rest of it all to hell.

She just wants Amy to _stay_.

There’s a wiggle from next to her, like Amy wants her to lift her head, so she does. “Fuck the big picture, right?” Amy’s got this cute little expression on her face and Karma smiles for the first time all day. She wonders if they finally figured out that telepathy thing. “Right now’s pretty good to me,” Amy says, eyes full of sincerity.

Karma melts a little bit, the way she always does when Amy spouts all her sweet shit like that. “Right now’s good,” she agrees with a lopsided smile and a squeeze to Amy’s hand that’s been wrapped in hers long enough for it be all sweaty gross, but Karma doesn’t really _care_.

“C’mere,” Amy gestures for a hug and no one has ever had to convince Karma to do that. A few minutes go by, Karma hopes Amy can’t feel her chest heaving under the weight of it all. Then, Amy finally croaks out, “I’m gonna miss you guys,” and any hold Karma had on herself sort of goes to shit. “So much.”

Heavy, hot tears fall on Amy’s acid washed shirt that she so clearly remembers from the morning they ‘came out’ to her parents one of those first few days of sophomore year. The last thing she needs is this flood of nostalgia, but it’s like a fucking tsunami now, barreling its way out of her head and into her bruised fucking heart.

“God, I can’t believe you’re _leaving_ ,” Karma sort of heaves out in a breath she didn’t mean to say out loud. It’s so _not_ meant to be the guilt trip it sounds like it is.

Amy pulls back just slightly, and they’re so much closer than they should be. “It’s not because I want to,” Amy says as she uses the back of her hand to gently wipe away Karma’s tears.

It’s very clear what comes next, the moment their lips meet fists are grasping at the fabric of that pink shirt Amy’s had for years, and the familiar feeling of the fabric is enough for Karma to pull her in closer. She lets out a whimper when Amy’s vaguely trembling fingers brush over her cheeks. Amy’s touches are slow and considered, like the whole moment will shatter if she’s not careful. There’s the salty taste of her own tears as Amy gives in and pushes forward, all nervous energy and false bravado. Then, Amy pauses briefly, lingering much too close to really be pulling away. The air stalls in Karma’s lungs and she refuses to open her eyes, not when she swears she’s about to be rejected, but, then she feels Amy’s breathing against her lips, and when they kiss again, that nervous energy is gone, replaced by a certain confidence that’s calming every fear Karma had rushing up from the bottom of her stomach.

It’s different - to be kissed like this, where she can _feel_ the way Amy’s melting into every touch and every little noise. No boy she’s ever kissed has ever been this responsive, hell, even kissing Amy the handful of times before wasn’t like this. Karma fucking _sighs_ into the next kiss, internally rolling her eyes at her own reactions, but how the _fuck_ is she not going to react when Amy’s tongue is in her mouth, and Amy’s pushing her backwards onto the bed until there’s not a piece of her that _isn’t_ touching Amy.

“Is this...?” Amy’s searching her face for an answer when she just barely pulls back.

Karma thinks she probably sort of nods in response, and pulls Amy back down, heart racing in anticipation. When Amy’s lips are on hers again there’s a _very_ distinct shift, and her kisses go from tentative and tender to deep and overwhelming, and _what the fuck_ because where did this come from? Not that Karma’s complaining, really, because she’s so far past turned on that the slightest movement of Amy’s hips has the hair on her arms standing straight up.

The devilish grin she feels forming on Amy’s says she fucking _knows_ the effect she’s having with embarrassingly minimal effort. If it was anyone _but_ Amy, Karma would’ve died of embarrassment already - she muses that her entire sex life thus far could’ve been so much more enjoyable if she’d just given this a shot instead of throwing herself at Liam time and time again.

Fuck Liam.

Although, it’s really more like fuck Amy, she thinks, and then breaths a half laugh into Amy’s mouth that startles them both. Amy’s looking at her with something like amusement dancing in her eyes when she asks, “Am I not doing a good enough job up here?”

Karma grins, feeling her face flush for a multitude of reasons. Rather than respond, she goes with her instincts, rolling them both over and takes the opportunity to slip into Amy’s lap, straddling her thighs with a sense of accomplishment. Amy’s got an eyebrow raised, leveling Karma with a certain look that makes her tremble.

“Well-” Amy’s voice is rough, and Karma knows she’s never heard the tone before. As she opens her mouth to say more Karma muffles her words with a kiss that really just ruins them both. Amy’s hands are _everywhere_ , it’s not unexpected when she feels those same fingers ghosting up under her shirt, but she freezes just the same when there’s a flashing neon sign in her brain reading: _stretch marks_.

“Wait,” Karma murmurs sitting up, covering Amy’s hands with her own. Amy lets go and sits up on her elbows, concern written all over her face. Those stretch marks from the pregnancy never mattered until now since it was pretty much just assumed all sex with any sensible human was off the table. Karma’s been about three seconds from dedicating herself to celibacy and taking a like, oath, to become a nun.

But now, she’s sitting here in Amy’s lap, feeling so very _wanted_ and well, it’s a lot to reveal herself now when she looks nothing like she used to. All the worst case scenarios are basically in full swing as Amy wiggles out from underneath and heads for the doorway, so Karma just heaves a dark sigh as she lays back. That’s it really, she’s just giving up on sex altogether.

Instead of it being the great escape though, the lights dim, and then Amy’s crawling back over her, hovering, with a look that means far too much for Karma to even really think about. They lock eyes as Amy slowly reaches for her shirt again, and Karma’s fairly certain she stops breathing because the intensity of the moment is threatening to swallow her whole. Her shirt slips up slowly as Amy’s lips cover every piece of exposed skin, and all those fears suddenly feel really fucking stupid.

“I _know_ it’s cliche,” Amy manages as she glances up to see a soft smile gracing Karma’s face, “but you’re perfect, Karm.”

Amy’s being so damn wonderful that Karma can’t get past the fucking lump in her throat, and really, if she proposed right now she swears they’d be in Vegas at the Chapel of Love by morning. Jesus.

“I think you’re _incredibly_ sexy,” she breathes out just below Karma’s ribcage. It feels a lot like the magic words because Karma can’t really explain why else she sits up, bypasses the curious look she gets, and peels her own shirt off, remembering just a second too late that she’d never put on a bra that morning. It’s not easy, but she only just manages to not cover herself, trying valiantly not to avert her eyes in complete mortification.

Amy’s eyes widen, pupils blown, and Karma has all the proof in the world. It’s… satisfying, to say the least.

“Jesus, I-- you--”

The whole lack of full sentence thing is so stupidly flattering that Karma pulls Amy in by the back of her neck, kisses her with too much teeth and tongue, but doesn’t really care, because this is _Amy_ , and those things don’t really matter. It’s becoming increasingly clear that all that matters to Amy is Karma.

Their conversation keeps coming back in fragmented pieces as Amy kisses her harder and with more fervor than Karma thought was possible. Amy’s _leaving_ , so the more logical part of her mind is trying for self preservation, but her hormones are winning the war, especially when Amy’s making quick work of her pants (and really, it’s impressive how she finds herself in just underwear).

_Fuck logic._

“ _God_ ,” she hisses out at the sensation of lips on her neck. Karma’s startled to find there are still places on her body she didn’t realize would send electrical shocks all the way down to her toes -- but then, that’s never fucking happened before, so this must be an Amy thing.

_An Amy thing._

Another Amy thing she’s quick to discover: whatever fucking magic Amy’s tongue is working on her nipple because it’s about the hottest thing anyone’s _ever_ done, and Karma has no fucking control over her own hand when it tightens in Amy’s hair. She never sees the smirk, but she can feel it.

“Cocky much?” Karma asks with a fond smile as Amy looks up.

“You’ve given me more than a few reasons to be,” she responds with a breathy laugh. She proves her point when she goes for Karma’s neck again and is rewarded with a moan that Karma fucking swears on her great grandmother’s grave has _never_ come out of her mouth before. “I didn’t know you’d be so-”

“You don’t _know_ me like this, Ames,” Karma reminds softly, making every attempt for that not to be some sort of blow to their shared history.

Amy’s smile turns mischievous. “I’m a quick learner.”

It’s _very_ apparent Amy wasn’t kidding. Amy works her over so well, learns her tells and moans so quickly, that Karma’s basically shaking and ready to explode by the time she feels fingers hovering near her waistband, and she arches into the touch so instantaneously that Amy chuckles a little. If it wasn’t for the way Amy trembles every time Karma can get it together enough to shift her thigh into the right spot she’d almost think this wasn’t affecting her at all.

“Too many clothes,” she mumbles, barely coordinated enough to get her hands under Amy’s shirt. She’s thankful when Amy takes pity and pulls it off in one fluid motion, followed by her jeans. Karma moves her thigh again to actually make a stilted attempt to do _something_ and notices this isn’t doing nothing for Amy. “You’re-”

“Yeah, I- Karma, what did you expect?” it’s not harsh, just a gentle reminder for Karma to wake the fuck up, because _of course_ this is doing something for Amy. She grabs Amy and pulls her down close, experimentally moves her hips, and revels in the strangled little noise that escapes at the movement. “You’re trying to kill me, right?” Amy asks when her eyes flicker back open.

“Can’t let you have all the fun, now can I?” Karma says with a laugh, but then she arches into Amy again and takes a second to just absorb the look on her face and the way her eyes basically roll back in her head. Boys are so easy to have power over, really. But, she’s never seen Amy in this state, and it feels kind of _special_ , to be the one that’s able to get her here.

Time becomes a blur, Karma works her hips to the best of her ability, and she’s about ninety percent positive she’s going to get Amy off just like this if the noises are anything to go by. And while she’d would love to prove that her hips are as magical as she’s always believed them to be, this isn’t really how this should happen - not for them. It’s one thing to let some imbecile dry hump his way to orgasm while she does virtually nothing (read: Liam), it’s a whole other thing entirely to let it happen this way with Amy.

“Amy,” Karma breathes out, voice dangerously low. Amy’s eyes snap open. “Not like this, okay?”

Amy nods sort of frantically. She just barely has Karma’s underwear down around her ankles when they hear an ear piercing cry from the next room.

It _can’t_ be.

Karma shakes her head a few times sort of willing him to go back to bed, both just frozen in place, basically awaiting the inevitable. When he screams again and it turns into a continuous cry, Karma barely grunts out, “ _Fuck_ ,” and is off the bed looking for sweatpants.

Amy lets out a loud sigh, flopping back on the bed, “Jesus kid.”

Understatement of the century.

“Yeah,” Karma replies, exasperated, rushing to pull on pants, while Evan still cries. It’s like he _knows_ he’s interrupting something important.

“Karm, wait, here,” Amy calls, and she turns just fast enough to get a face full of t-shirt. “Sorry.”

She’s not entirely sure what Amy’s apologizing for.

They barely have time to look at each other before Karma’s out the door, but the disappointment is evident on both of their faces, and Karma feels like she’s in absolute fucking _agony_ at the throbbing between her legs. She’s so wet it’s uncomfortable and she can’t imagine Amy’s any less frustrated. She’s never hated her kid - but she does right in this moment, just for a second, then puts on her mom face and heads for his room.

“Buddy, what’s wrong?” she asks as she lifts him out of his crib. He has real tears all down his cheeks and Karma instantly feels like the meanest mom in the entire world for being mad at him a second ago. She rocks him a few times and then glances at the clock. “You hungry? I’m sorry, mommy forgot it was time to eat.”

Evan takes his bottle, staring at Karma with wide eyes all the while, his little fingers wrapped up in her wrinkled t-shirt. It’d be so easy to go back to Amy, finish what they started (not like it’d take long at this point), and pretend like none of that fucking conversation ever happened. Sure, Amy could work in Austin like she suggested, but Karma flashes to a future where Amy _hates_ her and they live together in a cold silence so Evan can still keep them both.

Karma places him back in his crib slowly and tries to prepare for what needs to happen all over again. How did they let themselves get into this mess?

“Karm-” Amy starts, redressed and remorseful. “Let me-”

“No.”

“No?” Amy questions, moving closer, but Karma backs away until she’s being held up by the doorframe. She wrings her hands a few times and Amy furrows her eyebrows before things sort of click into place. “ _Please_ ,” she begs, and they both know none of this is about the sex. Amy would probably happily spend the rest of her life in a sexless existence if it meant she could stay full time with Karma and Evan.

But, Karma can’t let that happen.

“We can’t,” Karma manages, eyes flitting between the clothes on the floor, the rumpled sheets, and the pillows half on the night stand. If they slept together now, Amy would never go. And yeah, sure, they could try long distance, but in a way it holds Amy back too. They’re eighteen years old - there’s no reason that she needs to be tied to a baby when she should be out living, meeting people, traveling. They can be best friends and Karma can handle pictures, and FaceTime, and visits.

What she wouldn’t be able to handle: constantly wondering if Amy’s with someone else, if Amy’s having more fun than being home with her and Evan, if Amy’s going to not want to come home one day. If they just call it what it’s always been - friendship - then she can at least handle Amy being gone, even if it’ll be an adjustment.

Amy sniffs, just once, before she hangs her head, and it looks so much like defeat that Karma almost takes it all back. _Almost_.

It’s kind of amazing how quickly things have changed in a span of a few hours in this tiny room in her parents house. It feels like emotional whiplash, and despite the fucking discomfort she’s still feeling, Karma crosses the room and kneels in front of Amy who’s sitting on the edge of the bed once again.

It’s a weird case of deja vu.

“You always said you wanted to experience life outside of Austin, Amy, so go do it. See the world, meet people,” Karma says gently, trying not to make it sound like goodbye. It’s a shame it still feels that way.

Amy’s digging her nails into her thighs and Karma suspects it’s to stop tears, but doesn’t call her on it. She can’t really imagine what Amy’s going through. All she can do is remind herself -- _it’s for the better_.

“You told me once ‘if you love something set it free’,” Amy looks up at that and makes a face that Karma can’t really decipher. “I’m setting you free, Ames.”

“There’s a difference,” Amy points out, failing miserably at sounding like she isn’t on the verge of crying. “You _wanted_ to be set free.”

It’s not really something to be argued. She chose Liam - didn’t even really understand what a sacrifice Amy made that night in the quad - but she understands it now in ways she never wanted to.

“I never wanted to hold you back. If I let you stay then that’s exactly what I’ll be doing,” Karma says softly after an extended moment. There’s an unsaid _‘I know what you need more than you do, please just listen to me,’_ somewhere in there and she can only really hope Amy hears that just as clearly.

Amy sighs. “If you asked me to stay-”

“I know,” Karma cuts her off before smiling sadly. She does know, but she can’t bear to hear it. If she let her guard down for just one second and said ‘stay’ Amy would be on the phone with San Antonio tonight. It’s why she can’t show weakness, it’s why she can only just barely show how much this is hurting her. “But you’re going to go. And you’ll graduate and come back, and you’ll know everything you always wondered about the world. And,” Karma stops for a moment, rubs at her eyes and places her hands on the outside of Amy’s thighs, finally garnering her full attention. “If you still want me then, we’ll know it was real.”

Amy never really responds, just crawls up to the pillows and burroughs herself into the blankets like a little kid. Karma slides in next to her and they stay like that for a while, just sort of being together. As she starts to doze off she hears Amy whisper, “I’m always gonna want you.” It hurts in ways she can’t possibly describe, so she doesn’t, just tightens her grip around Amy’s fingers before falling asleep completely.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and for the response to the last chapter. Don’t hate me for this one. All the thanks once again to lazarusgirl for this one.

_She is messy, but she’s kind_

_She is lonely most of the time_

Amy’s gone.

Really, she’s been in San Antonio for a little over a month, but things still feel just as fresh as they did that first morning Karma woke up alone and realized this would be her life from now on. When Evan cries at three in the morning there’s no one getting him with a whispered, _‘go back to sleep,’_ there’s no one helping with the mounds of laundry after her little twelve pound monster spits up all over everything, there’s no one making her laugh at night before bed, reminding her that adult conversations do exist, and that really she’s just as much a nineteen year old girl as she is someone’s mother.

Amy’s gone. And, it fucking _sucks_.

It took a while after their night of ‘we almost had sex’ to get back to normal. It took a few weeks of them both acting like complete idiots, pulling away at rapid speed at every tiny bit of contact, until Amy cracked, laughing hysterically, barely getting out, “we’re being so fucking _stupid_.” Karma had laughed too, and when they finally settled she yanked Amy into a hug that almost suffocated them both.

Sure, it was weird, to act like that night just _didn’t_ happen, to act like there wasn’t some sort of mutual feeling between them. There were nights she’d be on the floor with Evan and she’d look up to catch Amy staring a little too long. There were nights she couldn’t ignore her heart beating out of her chest when Amy cuddled up close in her sleep. But, they both needed normal, and so their routine had returned full force for the few months before Amy left, despite Karma knowing it’d just make their goodbye hurt worse.

She and Evan cheered the loudest at Amy’s graduation in June, Karma held him up high so he could see, and Amy lit up like a fucking Christmas tree when she spotted him in the crowd, waving enthusiastically, diploma in hand. Karma was so fucking proud and crushed her into a little group hug, Evan between them, after they finally got down to the football field when the ceremony was done. Amy took Evan immediately, whirling him around with excitement, refusing to let him go for even just one picture, ignoring all of Farrah’s requests. A picture of the three of them is framed on Karma’s dresser, Amy in her blue gown and cap, Evan on her hip, her other arm wrapped tightly around Karma’s waist. For just a minute, she let herself believe none of it was happening, and maybe graduation could be the first of many steps toward them becoming a family.

It was around that time that Karma realized she was just completely fucked.

In early July, Amy broke the news that she was leaving early for San Antonio to get started on her portfolio, and to get a job to be able to save up for camera parts and trips home. It shattered the illusion that they still had so much time left, because time was just running out so much faster than either of them had planned. She still remembers the morning Amy left, air thick with humidity, her heart heavy with everything she was about to lose. Their parents had not-so-subtly stepped out to give them a moment, but really, the ‘moment,’ or whatever it was, just felt like it was making things worse. Amy looked awkward and unsure, unshed tears lingering in her eyes when she held Evan tightly against her chest as he wiggled around in her arms. He couldn’t understand the gravity, didn’t get that Amy wouldn’t be there for his middle of the night bottles, and Karma wished she had that sort of innocent naivety of a five-month-old - to think that tomorrow might be the same as all that came before it, when really nothing was going to be the same again.

Then she found herself in Amy’s arms, secure and steady, wondering when she’d feel this safe again because everything after that morning would be uncharted territory. When Amy finally let go there was no helping the goodbye kiss that lingered too long, far longer than they’d planned, and Karma shivered when shaky hands grabbed at the material of her shirt at the small of her back. Amy hesitantly responded before pulling back with a heavy sigh. She rested her forehead against Karma’s, breathing out, “we’re gonna be okay,” and Karma wondered if Amy even realized just what would be in store for them; just what’s going to test them before they’ll even get to being ‘ _okay_.’

San Antonio College is only about an hour and half from Austin, but it was still loss, it was still the lack of Amy every night for bedtime songs and stories. It’s still the lack of Amy for bath time and all the wondrous awe when Evan learns something new. It can be twisted around like a fucking rubik’s cube, looked at from all angles and directions, but it’s still fucking loss.

The obnoxious FaceTime ringtone interrupts her thoughts, and Karma’s quick to grab Evan from his swing for the call. He sits calmly on her lap, looking at the phone in confusion when Karma swipes to the right to accept. Amy’s fuzzy face finally registers as the delay clears up.

“Hey, E! There’s my little man! How are you?” Amy asks like he’s going to answer (like she always does), and he just mumbles back a bunch of noises, little hands reaching out for the iPhone because it looks like a few of his toys.

Karma smiles and holds it just out of his reach. “He’s been sleeping like a champ lately, haven’t you, Ev?”

“Oh, that’s awesome, Karm,” she pauses and glances around, the beanie on her head sliding a little to the left when she focuses back on the camera. “Gimme a sec, it’s too loud in here,” and then her face disappears off screen.

“We can’t eat phones, buddy. Too many germs,” Karma tells him when he continues to stretch out of her arms for it.

He’s antsy now at six months, and he’s learning so many things, and she yearns to have someone to really share them with. Her parents are around, but they’re busy, doing everything they can to help her provide for him financially because she _hates_ taking money from Liam. Zen is still off traveling the world so he really hasn’t been much help to his nephew, Karma wills herself to forget what a fucking prick her brother is before it ruins the entire day. Lauren and Shane check in occasionally, but it’s not like having someone - it’s not like having Amy. She couldn’t just call Lauren when he rolled over all by himself, it was already done and over by the time she would’ve even been able to get her on the phone, and it hurts when she thinks that Amy would’ve just _been there._

“Hey, I’m back, sorry,” Amy’s face reappears as she adjusts her hat and smirks. It looks like she’s in some alleyway and Karma wonders if she’s somewhere safe, taking care of herself, because she doesn’t know how she’d explain homicide to a six-month-old. She’s worried about Amy now, when she knows this is probably the first time in their entire lives that Amy’s not really worrying about herself - she’s finally taking the time to be a teenager and lose some of that sensibility that Karma’s relied on her entire life. It just serves to show the ways in which they’re growing and changing, and the insurmountable ways their paths are veering further apart, rather than closer together.

“Ames, if you’re busy we could’ve rescheduled.”

“What? No. I just forgot I agreed to this stupid party when I was at a meeting the other day with some of the girls from my dorm. Nic was begging me to go, and I told her I’d think about it, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Karma, my RA is such a _dick_ , Nic told me I should think about applying next year for the job because she thinks I’d make a good leader - plus free room and board just to basically walk around and make sure people aren’t drinking and smoking in their rooms. It’s not a bad gig… Karma?”

Karma’s pretty sure she missed about ninety five percent of what Amy was babbling about because one: she didn’t understand half of it, it’s like some foreign language with RAs, and dorms, and meetings; two: Nic. She’s the first person Amy’s really given a name to, and something about it is setting off red flags in Karma’s mind because Amy doesn’t really make friends easily. It isn’t like her to be getting dragged to parties, and applying for ‘leadership positions,’ and going to meetings. There are things Evan’s learning that Amy’s missing _here_ , but for the first time Karma sees there’s a lot she’s missing _there_ too, and there’s never really been a time in their lives that Karma can remember not knowing _everything_ about Amy.

“Uh, yeah, what?” Karma shakes her head to clear away the thoughts and focuses on the call. “What’s up?”

“You okay?” Amy’s concerned, still adjusting that fucking hat on her head. Karma knows she’s never seen that thing before, and then she just _knows_.

She clears her throat, ignores the question entirely, and pokes Evan in the belly a few times - it earns her a full laugh and Amy smiles brightly at it, but it’s replaced by a frown seconds later. “When did he start doing that?”

“About a week or two ago. It’s really cute. He thinks Lauren’s hilarious - which, no one in the world thinks Lauren is hilarious, so I think she stops over just for the ego boost now,” Karma explains it off, watching as Amy’s frown grows more pronounced.

“He laughs for Lauren?”

Karma nods. “Lauren and my dad mostly. But I can get a good giggle out of him when he feels like being nice to mommy, huh?” She nuzzles the back of his head a few times and Evan smiles into the phone, his hands reaching up behind for Karma’s cheeks. “I think he’s gonna be on the move soon, he’s rocking a lot on his hands and knees, then I’m really gonna be in trouble.”

There’s a sigh as Amy moves a little further from her party until she’s under a streetlight and they can see each other more clearly. “I wish I was home,” she admits with sad eyes.

“Amy, you’re only saying that because you’re the phone with us now-” and then the screen goes black, Evan’s little finger on it, clearly having hit the END button accidentally. “Really, Ev? I think it’s nap time, back in your swing you go.”

He whimpers a little when Karma buckles him in, but settles quickly as the swing starts moving, and really whoever invented those things is a god among men. Amy’s phone rings twice before she answers, the tears on her cheeks are easy to see even though her face is partially covered again with the streetlight gone from view.

“Sorry, he hit the end button when I wasn’t paying attention.”

Amy snorts, wiping at her eyes furiously. “He’s getting so big,” she says after a minute, shifting from foot to foot in uncertainty.

“It’s only been a month,” Karma reassures her softly. There’s no reason to rub it in. Amy can see him sitting up on his own when she comes home for fall break, it’s just going to add salt to the wound to go on about it now. “It’s because you’re on the phone with us. But, I can tell you’re content there. I can hear it in your voice when you tell me about what’s going on at school. He just reminds you of home - and it’s normal to be homesick,” Amy grapples for words to respond, but Karma continues. “You _didn’t_ make a mistake. You did what was best for you. He- _we_ will be here no matter what.”

“He’s not even gonna _know_ me, Karma,” Amy shakes her head, clearly angry at herself, and this really isn’t what Karma wanted when she pushed her off to college. At the time, it felt like she was doing the right thing - and somewhere in there she still knows it’s what Amy needs - but right now, it feels like Amy’s going to resent _herself_. It’s turned into a lose-lose situation for them both, and yet it seems like where they find themselves now has been inevitable. “This was so stupid. I never should’ve left.”

“We’ll FaceTime more,” Karma tries, but Amy’s so far past reasoning with. “I can bring him to visit sometimes, I can…” she trails off, frustrated. This isn’t what was supposed to happen, FaceTime was supposed to be a fun way for Amy to see Evan grow, not for her to lose it when she sees him changing. He’s going to change, he’s been growing so fast that there’s no way Karma can just hit pause until Amy can be here to see all of his accomplishments. “I don’t know what you want here. I just - Amy, I talk about you all the time to him. He has pictures in his room. I’m doing _everything_ I can to keep you in his life, okay? This is hard on us too.”

The picture freezes briefly, flickers back into view, and then the background noises get louder and fade back out like something big just happened. Amy pinches the bridge of her nose, eyes on the ground. “I’m sorry. I - you’re right,” Amy says, slowly, like she’s trying to convince herself of that fact. Karma’s temper almost flares because all she wants to say is, _‘You’re at college at some fucking party with some fucking girl that you’re not telling me about. I’m here alone raising a kid while you and his deadbeat father are off being normal nineteen year olds so don’t tell me what’s hard.’_ But, she doesn’t, because really Amy has no actual obligation to them.

Karma chose to keep Amy as her best friend - she’s forcing herself to deal with the consequences of that decision.

“You’re right,” Amy repeats, like some sort of mantra. “Hey, Karma, I should go-”

“Who’s Nic?” the words fall out, and Karma almost slaps herself, but instead sits in mute shock as Amy stutters over a few syllables, eyes wide.

Instead of moving towards the party Amy paces farther away. “She’s uh - she’s a friend. Did I mention her?”

“A few times,” Karma says with a slight shrug, trying for neutral and casual. She’s failing spectacularly.

Amy licks her lips, touches the hat subconsciously. “I - we - she got me involved in a few of the committees here. I met her at this early admission thing because I was trying to find something for lunch and she just kind of bombarded me with flyers and stuff.” There’s a lot of pacing and hand gestures, it’s clear Amy can’t seem to stand still, it’s always been something of a nervous tic, she’s been doing it since they were like, ten-years-old, and Karma recognizes it immediately.

“That’s her hat, right?”

Karma’s terrified of the answer, even though she already _knows_.

“How-”

“Amy, I _know_ you,” she says after a beat. The girl on the screen looks panicky, ready to bolt at any given moment. Karma hates that they’ve been reduced to these moments of discomfort after just a month.

“It isn’t what…” Amy tries again, but can’t seem to get her words together, instead she stops and slides down against a nearby wall. She has makeup on so she pauses when she goes to rub at her eyes, smiling sadly when she realizes there’s no talking their way out of this. It’s a conversation they _have_ to have.

Karma settles further back into the couch, trying her hardest to fake a smile too. “It’s exactly what I think it is,” she stops, stares at Amy’s face looking for the truth, and finally asks, “Isn’t it?”

Amy blinks a few times and breathes. “Yeah.”

It’s not that she didn’t expect Amy to move on, for fucks sake, Karma fucking asked Amy to go meet people and see the world. The whole point was that she didn’t want to tie Amy down. She told herself she could handle Amy with other girls (or guys, or who the fuck ever) if they kept their status at friendship. If they did texts, and phone calls, and FaceTime it’d all be fine. But honestly, it still hurts to think of Amy with anyone else, it still hurts to think that one day, Amy will be someone that stops over to see Evan while her own family tags along, instead of Amy being _part_ of their family.

No, Amy didn’t make a mistake by going, but Karma wonders if she made a mistake in letting her go.

“So, tell me about her,” Karma makes a pathetic attempt at lightening up, trying to wipe away the heavy undercurrent that’s been in their conversation ever since this girl even came up. “Does she like Netflix documentaries?” She wiggles her eyebrows a few times and the corner of Amy’s mouth quirks up.

“She does. She’s really into politics and all the LGBT stuff on campus. Majoring in women’s studies. She’s a year ahead of me so she’s been showing me around,” Amy answers, reluctantly, like someone’s dragging the words out of her. “Karma, it’s not serious. We went on like two dates-”

“Two dates, huh? Is she at least better in bed than Reagan or Madison?” Karma knows the whole question is probably wildly inappropriate, and Amy’s face says as much. It’s not anything they ever really talked about before, so it really doesn’t belong in their conversations _now_ , but it’s like she’s fucking possessed and can’t stop. Now that she knows what Amy’s hands feel like on her skin she doesn’t want to think about them anywhere else. Ever.

Amy blushes, eyebrows furrowed in something that’s not quite anger. “Karma.”

“What? I just know how you are. You move fast-”

“Don’t make me out to be like that,” Amy’s quick to cut her off before things get anymore out of hand. “And for the record - I haven’t even slept with her yet.”

They both freeze at her words, both silently aware that somehow, that was actually the shittier answer.

“I - oh,” Karma manages, sitting straight up. “I have to go, Evan’s crying.”

“No, hey, it’s not -”

“Amy, it’s fine,” she snaps. “I asked for it, right? I just didn’t know - I didn’t expect it to be someone that you actually… I have to go.”

Karma waves in some sort of ass backwards maybe-apology and fumbles for the END button that Evan got his hands on earlier. It’s suddenly much harder to find than it was for a six-month-old.

The phone rings five more times that night, texts flooding in, but Karma just _can’t_. It hurt when it was some girl that Amy was probably screwing, but Amy’s had flings. Most of the girls Amy’s ever been with have been flings for the casual sex, dinner dates, and the like. But _this_ \- Karma knows this is bigger than Amy’s willing to admit.

Amy actually _likes_ this girl - the only other person Amy’s ever cared enough to not just sleep with is -- well, that thought process won’t get her anywhere, so she stops it there and heads for the kitchen to warm up a bottle before Evan’s bath. It’s not like she really expected the four years to fly by and for Amy to come crawling back for their life together, it was just something to say to placate her that night, right? (even her subconscious knows that’s complete bullshit.)

Evan hits his tray on the swing in excitement when he sees Karma with his bottle and it cheers her up immensely - he’s starting to really recognize her now in a way he didn’t just a month ago. His whole face lights up when she pulls him from his swing and he starts making noises in excitement, he says something that sounds suspiciously like ‘mama’ but she waves it off because she really can’t be sure, and all the books say he probably isn’t there yet.

This is fine, she thinks. This is fine, because she has her little boy that looks at her like she put the goddamn sun in the sky now, and her heart feels so full whenever she makes him smile. For as hard as it is being a single mom, it’s suddenly become so much more rewarding, so this is fine.

* * *

 

Days later, after she finally started answering some of Amy’s texts again, she finds Liam _fucking_ Booker standing at her front door, some obnoxious box is on the ground next to him, and Karma can barely find it in her to roll her eyes. Because of course this is happening.

She swings the door open, unprepared for him flashing a smile like their entire history doesn’t exist (like they don’t have a kid between them now). “Hey, Karma, I -”

“Liam, no. I’m not doing this again, you can’t just show up every few months and expect another chance.”

He nods, gestures at the box, and says, “Look, I get that. I just… was hoping maybe to meet him and I wanted to drop this off. I’ve barely given you anything since Amy basically mugged me and I thought maybe he’d like something like this.”

Karma looks down, sees the picture of the toy on the box, knows Liam spent a fuckton of money on the Bounce Around thing, (she’d seen it in the store and pouted at the price tag) and wants to tell him to stop trying to fucking buy his son’s affection. “Just because you bought him an expensive toy doesn’t mean you’re, like, redeemed for bailing on us.”

“Can I just come in for a few minutes? I really wanna see him,” Liam explains, and while it sounds genuine, too many years of dealing with his bullshit says otherwise to Karma.

It’s against all of her instincts, but when he smiles again she relents. “Fine. Make it quick, he’s due for his nap in a half hour. We finally have a schedule figured out and he’s teething, so he’s been exhausted and miserable.”

It’s mostly bizarre to see Liam standing in her parents living room again, regardless of what he’s there for. He makes his way to the swing Evan’s sitting in and kneels down to grab a few toys scattered across the floor. “Hey… guess who I am?” Liam tries his best for baby talk, but it sounds fucking _dumb_.

Evan stares blankly, completely unimpressed by the stranger in his face. Karma wants to thank her kid for expressing what she’s feeling. He’s a baby, it’d be so easy for him to just let Liam do whatever, but he’s _her_ baby, and so when Liam lifts him from his swing he immediately starts to fuss, looking to Karma like she betrayed him.

Liam just looks uneasy. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m your daddy and I wanted to come over and meet you.”

 _Daddy_. The word coming out of his mouth makes her want to vomit - the man standing in front of her has no right to even use that word around her son. Karma almost bites through her tongue trying not to say as much to him.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” he tries to soothe the baby in his arms, but Evan just keeps fussing until his whimpers turn into real cries and tears start to fall - and that’s all Karma can really handle. She snatches him back from Liam, and rocks him a few times until he settles, murmuring that ‘everything’s okay’ to make him feel better. His hands find a few loose pieces of her hair, and for a second she winces waiting for him to yank at it like usual, but instead he just twirls it around his tiny, little fingers. “He seems… pleasant.”

“I told you he’s teething,” Karma bites out, barely stopping herself from hurling all her pent up anger in his direction.

“Ah, right,” Liam glances around before taking a seat on the couch. “I wanted to talk to you - about maybe me being in his life more.”

And, well, _that’s_ a bombshell she wasn’t expecting. There were a lot of ways this visit played out, but none of the expectations were ever this - and from the look on Liam’s face - it almost looks like he can’t believe they’re here either.

“All of a sudden?” she asks, knowing there has to be more to the story. He used to be Mr. Virtuous, but that was years ago, and it’s been a long time since the person in front of her has done anything that isn’t rooted in selfishness.

“Yeah,” he makes a face and then nods as he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Well, I - Robin and I talked a few weeks ago. And she basically implied that I haven’t been any better than my dad,” he stops to correct himself, “well, my real dad. I don’t want that to be how he thinks of me.”

“So, this isn’t really _about_ him, is it?” Karma asks as she places Evan back in his swing for safekeeping with a teething ring on his tray for distraction. It’s not really the time to have a baby in her arms, not when she’s about to explode in fifty different directions about all of the things that are wrong with the moment she’s finding herself in.

“What do you mean? Of course it is.”

“This is about what he’ll think of you one day, sixteen years from now,” she pauses briefly, and looks at him directly, which is rare. He stiffens at it, like he wants to argue and defend himself, but there’s really just no point and they both know it. “I don’t want you in his life if it isn’t _for_ him. I don’t want you here to soothe your future self’s ego, Liam.”

“I’m his father,” he counters, like it means something now.

“Wrong,” she responds, reeling on him, clearly irritated. “Amy’s been more of a parent to him than you ever have. He has your DNA, no more, no less.”

“She never let me be a part of your lives,” he shoots back with a sigh, standing to pace the room a few times. “She shut me out and you let her. Like always, Karma. She always wins, even when it’s _my_ kid.”

There are words coming out of his mouth that are making her question what she ever even saw in him in the first place. Evan isn’t a possession for them to be fighting over, he’s not the trophy in the little competition Liam and Amy have been having since they were fifteen or sixteen. He’s a baby that got lost in the shuffle of the three of them, but he’s so much more than a consolation prize.

“If she shut you out, it was to protect me, and well, you never really tried very fucking hard to get back in, did you?!” Karma’s yelling now, stealing a glance to find Evan with wide eyes, and curses herself for letting this happen in front of him.

“I’m not doing this,” he snaps, as though he has any right to be the one that’s frustrated. “I came here to try to fix things and you’ve done nothing but rip my head off from the second I got here. I don’t need this.”

“Oh, fuck you, Liam. _Leave_ then. You did it once and we got by.”

He doesn’t apologize, he’s not really that kind of person. Instead, all she gets in response is his back as he slams the door and Evan just sort of wails at all the noise. Karma deflates visibly as she pulls him back out of his swing and flops onto a couch cushion. Her head aches from the beginnings of an intense migraine making itself known, making it hard to try to bounce her legs a few times to get Evan to relax and focus on his little frozen teething ring that always makes his mouth feel better if he just takes the time to use it.

“I wish Amy was here,” she says heavily, getting a whiff of baby shampoo when she hugs Evan closer. He grunts at the movement, but finally holds the little ring himself for the first time _ever_ , and well, even the small victories feel like something more now.

* * *

 

Hours later, when Evan’s milk drunk and passed out, Karma calls the only person that knows how to talk her down from a Liam encounter. She’s disappointed when it goes straight to voicemail, biting her tongue to hold back tears that she knows aren’t warranted enough for a missed call.

“Amy, hey, I…” she pauses, wondering if she should’ve just hung up, or maybe never called at all. “I just wanted to say I miss you. And I’m sorry our FaceTime date with Evan got messed up, maybe we can reschedule? When you’re not busy, of course. Okay, well, um - I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night.”

The overwhelming loneliness is the hardest part. And most days, it’s easy to focus on all the good things she has, but in the middle of the night, without Evan to occupy her every move, she remembers exactly what’s missing and how she’s the one that made it go.

* * *

 

The unexpected visits don’t stop with Liam.

Robin, Liam’s fucking sister/mom/whatever, is on Karma’s front step a week later, and it’s the most unexpected one yet. She reaches for her phone, remembers Amy’s in class and not at her disposal, and makes quick work of cleaning up the tornado her kid left before she heads to the door.

“Is there something I can do for you?” Karma asks, not trying to be rude, but she can’t even recall if she’s ever even formally met Robin so none of this really makes any sense.

Robin’s phone buzzes in her purse, but she ignores it. Somehow, that feels important.

“I think we need to have a conversation,” she begins, calm, measured and surprisingly earnest. “I should’ve approached you before, but I didn’t think it was right. You’ve had enough to deal with without my complicating things.”

Of all the things Karma thought she might say, that’s not one of them. The only things she knows about her are the catalog of lies she told Liam, that she walks around looking like a runway model, but has a business degree from the University of Pennsylvania, according to Lauren, and she was nice to Amy once when she gatecrashed the family party. Clearly, she fell for the wrong Booker.

“May I?” Robin asks, and Karma realizes she hasn’t actually moved to let her inside.

Karma shrugs, still flustered, and lets her in anyway. “Well, you’re here now.”

Robin says nothing in reply, stepping over the threshold and into the house with a confidence Karma will never possess, in a wardrobe she’ll never be able to afford. She motions for Robin to sit on the couch, taking the nearest chair for herself. Suddenly she feels underdressed, and seeing Robin sitting there on her parents couch is fucking weird.

“Firstly,” she starts again, putting down her bag. “I want to apologize.”

“For what? You have nothing to apologize for.”

“For not helping you when I could’ve. I don’t condone how Liam’s treated you at all.”

“You don’t?” Karma splutters out, knee-jerk, and then hates herself immediately. “I’m sorry.”

Robin laughs a little, and it seems to break the tension. “It’s fine. I get it. I’m sure Liam’s painted me as the wicked abandoning sister-mom.”

This time, Karma has the good sense to stay silent.

“Thought so. Well, at least he’s consistent in something.”

“Consistently selfish,” slips out of Karma’s mouth before she realizes.

“Exactly,” she smirks. “He’s a Booker alright, my parents raised him well. Let’s just say, he hasn’t had the best example from any of us. I’m not making excuses, he made his own choices, but I haven’t been there for him.”

She looks sad all of a sudden, and Karma feels strangely sorry for her, because she hasn’t really had the opportunity to be anything to Liam. Not a sister, not a mother, not really anything at all. She used to feel sorry for Liam, but now she just feels sorry for the woman across from her. But, Karma feels simultaneously lucky too, because she gets to _be_ a mother to Evan in a way Robin was never allowed to.

“I made a lot of mistakes where Liam is concerned. You’re dealing with it a lot better than I did. I admire that,” Robin says as Karma raises her eyebrows, something like shock covering her face. She’d expected money or the Liam-defense-squad, not this woman admitting her failings and giving her validation for all of her decisions.

“I -- have no idea what I’m doing,” Karma finally admits, hands gripping the sides of the chair.

Robin smiles. “I remember feeling that way through my entire pregnancy with Liam. I was terrified. I can only imagine what I might’ve felt if I’d had to actually raise him. You don’t give yourself enough credit, Karma. Liam hasn’t said much about him, but just the fact that you’re so worried about being a good mother to him speaks volumes.”

“Well, he’s still alive, so I always try to look at that as my biggest accomplishment,” she notes with a shrug, trying to add some levity to their conversation. Robin chuckles before reaching for her bag again.

“I know he’s asleep, but I was hoping I could just take a peek before I go?”

Karma nods and leads them to his little bedroom at the back of the house. The door creaks open and she winces, hoping it doesn’t wake him, because this afternoon nap is all the time she really has to herself. Evan’s sleeping soundly on his belly, and Karma smiles because she knows she put him to bed on his back a half hour ago. His hands are sprawled out on the mattress and his hair is sticking up in ten different directions. Robin laughs quietly when she peers over the side of the crib.

“I’m sorry he’s not awake,” Karma says, softly, reaching in to adjust the blanket he’s tangled up in.

Robin sucks in a breath and finally says, “I remember being sixteen and coming to look at Liam when he was this little. Of course, then he’d cry and our nanny would whisk him away, but in those moments before he’d wake, I’d pretend I was a better mother to him - that I hadn’t let my parents make my decisions. I always wondered whether he would’ve turned out differently.”

Karma just stands quietly, imagining herself in a world like that. A world where she’s not the one that comforts Evan or worries about his wellbeing. There are always moments that make her wonder if she could’ve given him a better life, but all of Robin’s regrets prove that no matter what choice she made she’d always be haunted by all the paths she didn’t take.

“I guess this is answer enough,” Robin says as she runs a hand through Evan’s hair. “He looks a lot like Liam, you know.”

Karma blinks, recognizing little bits of Liam in him that she’d spent the better part of six months ignoring. “He does.”

“That must be hard,” Robin comments, looking to Karma for some sort of reaction.

“He has half of Liam’s genes, it was bound to happen,” she says instead. And then after a moment continues with, “I don’t regret him.”

“You shouldn’t.”

No matter how much Karma’s been pushing away the fact that Liam is part of Evan - Robin is the first to really acknowledge the other side of his family. Maybe everyone else has just been being nice, not mentioning the fact that Evan does look a lot like his father, but Karma’s been thinking it for the last few weeks as Evan’s turned into more of a real person. It’s not easy to come to terms with the fact that no matter what, Liam is forever a part of her life, even if he’s a fucking deadbeat, the face of the little boy in the crib is going to be a constant reminder of the fact that he’s one half of the person she hates most in the world right now.

“I’m glad that Evan won’t end up like Liam, not with a mother like you,” Robin concludes, sighing deeply immediately after. “If you need anything, call me, please. Regardless of your situation with Liam, I’d like to think I’m someone you can come to for help - financially, or otherwise.”

Karma’s handed a small business card and she laughs lightly at how formal it all is coming from her kid’s grandmother. It feels like they’re on common ground when Robin hugs her goodbye, and then it feels like she was never there at all, but Karma feels all the ways in which Robin’s words have changed her already.

* * *

 

The rest of the night passes quietly with Evan, he’s as entertaining as he’s ever been at this age, and Karma laughs when his face contorts epically at the mushed peas she offers him on a miniature spoon. He reaches out, hits the spoon, and most of it ends up on the floor, but she really can’t do anything other than laugh and kiss his cheek.

She thinks of Amy, and how much she would’ve enjoyed watching him try vegetables, how she’d lament the fact that he couldn’t try any of the ‘good snacks.’ Karma could just picture her empathizing with his case, probably conspiring to get rid of all the jars of baby food she stocked up on last week. When she lays him back in his crib for the night she promises they’ll try mushed bananas tomorrow, that no one really likes peas, and she can’t blame him for his personal preferences.

It goes without saying that she could use company, but her parents are on another juice truck trip, and she never expected to be on her own this much. Lauren and Shane have extended extra invites, aside from their random visits, but it seems weird to think of spending a lot of time with them without Amy there too.

And that’s the crux of it, most of her everyday life feels weird without Amy.

So, Karma gathers some courage, flicks through her contacts, and sends another FaceTime request. Her mind races as it rings, wondering if Amy will be disappointed that Evan’s already asleep since their last try at this was a total fail.

Amy smiles when the reception clears. “Hey, you,” she says, softly, and Karma can’t help the smile that graces her face either. “I’m sorry I missed your call the other night, we went to this comedy show off campus, I think you woulda really liked it.”

“I’m sure,” Karma nods, noticing the added pictures and posters on the dorm walls. “Did you have fun?”

“I did. But what about you? What’s been going on… your texts haven’t said much.”

It’s no secret that their texts have been short and uninformative, just enough to keep Amy placated. “I’ve just -- there’s been a lot. Liam stopped by, and then Robin made an appearance today.”

Amy urges her on as Karma relays the last few weeks, feeling the weight finally settle on her shoulders. The story is long, and Amy just looks at her, says all the right things, but it doesn’t ease the burden Karma’s carrying. It’s all her own, and she’s starting to just accustom herself to this being her new normal.

“I wish you could be here, Karm. It just doesn’t - I wish we were doing college together, like we planned,” Amy says, genuinely, in lieu of saying none of this is fair because it’s all been said before.

“You can do it for both of us,” she replies with a sad smile. “How’s-”

“Is this the famous Karma?” a voice sounds from off screen and then there’s a whole lot of brown hair, brown eyes, and a kind smile taking up half the screen. “Amy’s said so much about you that I feel like we’ve met.”

“Um, ditto,” Karma’s quick to answer, covering the fact that she’s heard all of two fucking words about this girl because she never let the conversation happen. “Nic, right?”

“For short. It’s Nicole, actually, but it seems rather formal. Your little one is so cute, Amy actually never stops showing us all pictures of him.”

Karma grins, looking to Amy as she blushes. “Ah, thank you. I wish he was still awake so I could show him off, but you know, bedtimes and all,” she reminds with a shrug, Amy frowns at the lack of her favorite little person.

“I was hoping he might still be up.”

“Sorry, Ames, we had a long day. We tried peas for dinner, he wasn’t a fan,” she tells them with a laugh.

Amy snorts at the image. “Because who likes peas? That’s an evil food to start with.”

Nic just smirks at their exchange before standing, leaning down to whisper something in Amy’s ear. Karma can’t make out the words, but she sees the smile and the way Amy looks up to say goodbye. There’s a vague wave of familiar nausea that sweeps through, but she shakes it off, waving as Nic turns back. “It was nice to finally get to speak with you, Karma.”

“You too,” Karma replies, making eye contact with Amy who just looks uncomfortable.

If someone told Karma a few years ago that they’d be in this position, uneasily staring each other down over cell phone screens with a baby and new girl sort of between them, she’d have thought they were crazy. Her life has taken a lot of twists and turns, its gone so far off the path of what she had planned that she can’t even fucking see the path anymore.

“She seems nice,” Karma comments, as blandly as she can. “Where’s she from?”

“All over, really,” Amy responds, neutrally. She looks away a few times, giving away all of her nervous tics. “Her dad’s french.”

“Explains her accent,” she says after a moment, and they sit in silence, the awkward sitting in the space between them. She takes a breath to collect herself and asks the question that’s been on the tip of her tongue since Nic first appeared, “Are you happy?”

“Karma, I -- Jesus…” Amy sighs and leans her phone up against something on the desk to free her hands. “How am I supposed to answer that?”

“Truthfully.”

She runs her hands through her hair a few times and looks directly into the phone. “Something like it.”

“That’s all I wanted,” Karma finally breathes out, Amy’s answer unraveling her completely. She’d planned to be more poised, more accepting of this, because it’s what she asked for. But, things are always easier said than done. “Date with Evan next week still okay?”

“Of course, Karm,” Amy agrees easily, worry pouring out over the line.

Later, when Karma’s flicking through social media to cure her insomnia, she gets a notification that feels like a knife to the chest.

**Nicole Roche wants to be friends with you on Facebook.**

Hitting ‘confirm’ on her screen is so much easier than accepting what that really means for her and Amy in real life.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was away on vacation most of the last few weeks, so the though the delay wasn’t intentional, I do apologize. Here’s a long one to make up for it though.

_Who’ll get hurt_

_But who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised_

Amy’s finally coming home for fall break, and Karma’s heart has been fluttering for days anticipating their reunion. She’s ready to show Evan off like he’s some sort of new toy, he’s changed so much since Amy was home in July, and he’s getting into _everything_. It’s how Karma finds herself sitting across from him in the bathtub, aggressively driving a little plastic duck with sunglasses around in the water that earns her full belly laughs.

“He’s coming for you, Ev!” she shouts dramatically, making the little duck dive underwater and then into his belly, he cackles like Karma’s the funniest person that ever walked the earth, and she briefly considers a career in comedy.

“Ma!” Karma’s eyes go wide at his exclamation. He’s looking right at her, smiling like he just _knows_ he made her entire life with one word. “Ma-ma!” he yells again, still staring at her and the duck, a clear indication he’s not just saying arbitrary things just to make noise.

“You’re so smart, buddy,” she’s got tears in her eyes, holds them so Evan doesn’t think she’s sad, and leans over to kiss his cheek a few times. And then, just for entertainment, she kisses it more, makes the cookie monster sounds that always make him laugh, chuckling when he does what she expects. “You’re the smartest boy in the whole world!” Karma says, leaning back to hand him the duck, which he just slams in the water a few times, splashing them both with all the droplets.

He’s a really happy baby, that in and of itself calms a lot of Karma’s fears from that very first night home from the hospital when she thought she was doomed to a life of misery. Now that he’s eight-months-old he’s got a little personality, and he pretty much charms the pants off anyone that comes to see him. He loves to share, the first thing he does when someone visits is try to hand them a nearby toy (after it’s already been in his mouth - but it’s the thought that counts). Lauren always just grimaces at the toys full of drool and Shane just sort of reaches for the corner of the toy that might be untainted, thanking Evan for his contribution to society. And Liam - well, Karma still hasn’t seen much of him, but the lack of drama is always welcome.

The benefit of Evan now being more active is that some of that stubborn baby weight is finally starting to take a leave of absence. Since Amy’s been gone it’s been easier to eat the healthy crap that they both used to refuse to acknowledge, it turns out all that superfood shit works some magic and she’s had a lot more energy since switching to salads over frozen pizza (Amy). But, the best work out of all is running around after an eight-month-old that barely stays in one place for more than five minutes at a time. He’s constantly crawling all over the living room, everything is carefully taste-tested for approval, and Karma’s been scared out of her mind that he’s going to choke on _something_ , so there’s no time for sitting around anymore. She never actually thought she’d miss him being an infant, but sometimes when she’s too exhausted to physically follow him anymore she swears those days were easier.

“You want some more toys?” she asks, getting a smile in return even though she knows he has no fucking clue what she just asked. So she takes his smile as a yes and grabs a few more floaty toys from the bin next to the tub and some of the foam pieces that stick to the walls - he never can seem to get them off of there despite several extreme attempts. “Here’s your little whale,” she says as she floats over his second favorite toy that he reaches for with enthusiasm, over the duck like it’s yesterday’s news.

“Karma! I’m finally home!” Amy calls out, slamming the door loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.

“We’re in the bath,” she replies, without thinking, almost yelling so Amy can hear.

“Where’s my little dude? He’s probably, like, so much bigger than the last time I saw him," Amy declares in a rush, thundering up the steps. Evan recognizes her voice immediately, bouncing excitedly in the water.

” _Oh_ ,” Amy busts into the bathroom like a bull in a _fucking_ china shop, leaving Karma no time to react, or cover herself, or really do much of anything but sit there in muted shock.

“Whoa!” Karma makes a grab for Evan, attempting to use him as a tiny human shield to cover _something_. “Hey, I um,” she finally says, making a face. “Welcome back, I guess?!”

She’s sure Amy’s never turned that shade of red before. Karma’s certain her own color is something like a stoplight.

Amy whirls around quickly, like she hasn’t seen her naked before. Ever. “When you said ‘we’ I didn’t think you meant like, _we_ ,” she stutters flustered. “I’m -- sorry, yeah, sorry,” she manages. “I was just so excited to see him and I didn’t know-”

“Could you grab him?” Karma finally asks, holding a very wriggly, wet Evan up like some weird offering, feeling exposed as soon as she does.

But then that feeling dissipates and there’s some validation, because Amy’s gaze is nothing short of appreciative when she finally turns back. If there’s anyone that’s ever made her feel better about her body before and after Evan, it’s Amy. She’s given Karma confidence about her body when there’s been no real reason for her to have any at all. For months during the pregnancy she felt like that stupid fucking whale that’s floating in the water between her and Evan, but she was always reminded of all the positives that came with her ever-growing figure, like her boobs basically doubling in size (and really, there was never any more proof needed that Amy’s a boob girl).

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Amy finally answers, quickly reaching for the little hooded towel hanging off the sink. “It has a lion on it,” she notes lamely, grabbing for Evan, smiling once she actually focuses on his little face. “Holy shit! You like doubled in size, E!”

“Language,” Karma reminds, realizing that all of those little habits they had before are gone now that Amy’s in college with people their own age that drink, and curse, and smoke. She’s with all the _normal_ eighteen and nineteen-year-olds, not spending her days monitoring every move she makes because a baby might pick something up.

“Ah, yeah, sorry, but oh my god, he got so big. Hey, little man, I missed you so much,” she hugs him close, laughing when he grunts out noises of protest. “FaceTime does you no justice. You’re so much cuter than I remember.”

“Ma-ma,” Evan blurts out, face full of concern when Karma’s out of his line of vision.

Amy startles, head whipping to Karma who’s still attempting to modestly exit the tub, but failing spectacularly. “Did he just say --”

“He just started that today.”

“You’re like this little _person_ now,” Amy notes with a small frown. Evan whimpers at not being able to see Karma and her frown grows further. “He doesn’t like me anymore.”

“It’s not you, Ames, he does it with everyone now. He’ll warm up,” she says, carefully. “Can you just hand me a towel?”

Amy nods, hands over the towel from the hook it’s hanging on, and then turns back to the little boy in her arms. “I can’t believe you talk now.”

“Crawls too,” Karma adds, wrapping the towel around herself, finally feeling able to talk without stumbling. “He’s got some teeth coming in,” she points out on the way out of the bathroom, watching as Amy peeks in his mouth to see his top and bottom teeth peeking through the gums. He fusses and she snorts at his sounds of complaint.

* * *

 

There’s a comfort that forms quickly between Evan and Amy again, he seems to settle easily enough while she fastens his diaper and picks between outfits, ‘oohing’ and ‘awwing’ at his wardrobe now that he’s gotten bigger. His face contorts a few times while he lays in his crib watching Amy flit around the room for socks and pants. Karma smirks when he’s dressed in little khakis and a t-shirt with a guitar on it. He’s dressed better than she is now, her hair in a messy bun piled on top of her head with sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt - this is the extent of her fashion sense with a baby claiming all of her attention.

“He’s pretty dressed up for just hanging in the house with us, don’t you think?” Karma finally asks, crossing the room to him. Evan brightens when he sees her, pulling himself up to stand with the help of the bars on his crib.

“They were his choice,” Amy says lightly, shrugging. “I was thinking maybe we could take him for a walk or something. I wanna hear about what’s up with you guys. I missed you both.”

“We missed you too,” Karma admits after a beat, and it sounds defeated, like her suddenly realizing how much she missed Amy is some sort of failing. “A lot,” she finally adds as Amy steps in to hug her properly. She’s come to pride herself on being able to do this on her own in the last few months, it feels like giving away a part of herself to concede that it’d be nicer _with_ Amy than without. For a second, Karma just lets herself sink into the hug, losing herself in everything _Amy_. The warmth of her, the feel of her, the smell of her perfume.

“God, how do you always smell so good?” Karma murmurs, face buried in the crook of Amy’s neck.

“Soap?” she mumbles back, and it’s so oblivious, and _so_ Amy, that Karma never wants to let go.

In just one word, Karma realizes just how much she’s missed her.

It’s October now, and she’s pretty accustomed to being alone, Evan’s her only real company most of the time. She’s almost forgotten what life is like with someone who cares about her enough to hug her tightly, and she only just barely swallows back all the emotion at it. Her gratefulness for this is beyond any words anyway.

“You’re doing so amazing with him, Karm,” Amy tells her softly. “I mean, look at him, you just -- I’m so proud of you.”

“He’s a handful,” Karma says with a sigh, pulling back to glance in Evan’s direction. “You love to run mommy ragged, don’t you, Ev?”

His little hands are tightly wrapped around the slats of the crib as he bounces up and down a few times in response. Sometimes, he looks so mischievous that Karma swears he understands every word she’s saying.

“I -- _Jesus_ ,” Amy breathes out from her spot next to Karma.

“What?”

“His face. He looked just like Liam there.”

She doesn’t respond, just closes her eyes and shakes her head a few times. It’s been becoming glaringly more obvious since Robin stopped by a few months ago. When they were trying new jars of food his face was so entirely his father that Karma almost threw up on the spot over it. Nothing about that is really getting any easier, people just haven’t been pointing it out. Leave it to Amy to state the obvious and shatter the fragile acceptance that’s been forming.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Amy finally says, looking entirely disappointed with herself. “I never really thought he did when he was younger so it’s just weird, after all those months when it was just us, to like, remember he’s not --”

“Yeah, I know,” Karma interjects, already fully aware that Amy just _shouldn’t_ finish that thought. Things have changed, and words like that can’t just be thrown around anymore.

The silence that follows is awkward and full of everything they can’t comment on. It’s easy to remember why being alone is sometimes just _easier_. Evan uses that moment to throw a stuffed elephant out of the crib, breaks the tension, and Amy grins, handing it back to him only to watch it hit the floor again. The pattern repeats another three or four times before Amy just looks to Karma, completely exasperated.

“Welcome to his new favorite activity,” Karma tells her with a laugh. “He’ll do it for hours.”

“Dude, I love you, but what fun is it for me to play fetch for you?” Amy asks him seriously. He makes a face, throws the elephant once more, and giggles at her reaction. “I feel like you’re taking advantage of me, Evan.”

“If you wanna take that walk we should go now, he goes down for a nap in like an hour,” Karma offers.

Amy raises her eyebrows, elephant in hand. “He has like a legit naptime now?”

“Oh, yeah, we’re very scheduled,” she replies, kneeling in front of the crib. “Someone gets very cranky when naptime is interrupted.”

There’s this look on Amy’s face when Karma turns around that says more than any words really could. The regret and _pain_ at not knowing them just radiates off Amy until the room feels fucking suffocating. And really, this has to stop because it’s not fair that Karma feels guilty somehow, like she pushed Amy away. It’s so _not_ what happened, but the looks make it feel that way anyway.

“Okay, dude, let’s pick a jacket. It’s kind of cold today,” Amy tells him a few minutes later, moving to his closet again to flip through the selection of clothes provided by a multitude of people. “Which one you want?”

“Amy, he can’t --” she starts saying, but gets cut off.

“Blink twice for the blue coat, once for the red one.”

It’s so stupid, watching Amy pull tiny coats out of his little closet awaiting a baby’s reaction, but Karma’s heart warms at the sight anyway. Evan stares curiously, almost anxiously awaiting when he’s going to be needed for input.

She proceeds to hold out the red coat for an answer, watching his face carefully. “You blinked three times, three is not an option, dude. Do we need to go over the numbers thing?”

Karma snorts. “Just get the red one, matches his outfit better. His shoes are downstairs.”

* * *

 

They walk together with Evan in his stroller, Amy constantly glancing for his reactions to the outside world. Karma just soaks it all in, this time with them both, since it’s not something that’s a luxury to her anymore. Whatever happened with them wasn’t a breakup, not in the traditional sense, but it doesn’t feel all that different. The way they’re tiptoeing around all the things they can’t say is putting them both on edge. The question remains: if Amy had stayed, would they be together now? Would it have even worked?

Did she push her right into the arms of someone else? The thought’s been eating at her since Nic became this _thing_ sitting in the air between them - it’s like the elephant in the room - she smiles at the idea of Evan just throwing a stuffed elephant at Amy repeatedly, like he knew she needed to be beat over the head with it.

“Any more Liam sightings?” Amy asks, casually, like she’s not internally raging at the idea.

Karma sighs. “No, thank god. The last few months have basically just been me and Ev. My parents have pretty much been MIA to keep the house running, Zen’s been a complete no show, and I mean… Lauren and Shane pop in and out sometimes. It’s -- well, it’s nice to have you here, to talk to like an adult instead of him all the time. It’s not like he cares if they picked the wrong house on House Hunters.”

“What use are you then, E?” Amy scoffs. “We need to train him better, obviously.”

“Clearly,” Karma agrees with a wry smile, navigating the stroller around a few cracks in the sidewalk before she says, “You look good -- sort of, grown up almost. I mean I know it’s only been a few months but -”

“You do too,” Amy answers quickly, shoving her hands in her jacket pockets. “And I mean, that’s coming from someone that got the _whole_ show earlier.”

“Amy!” Karma yells with a half-smile, clearly appreciating the compliment for what it was meant to be.

“Just saying,” she shrugs.

“Do you think I look better than, um, when we…” she starts, but trails off when there’s no good way to phrase the question without basically saying ‘remember that time we almost slept together?’

Amy clears her throat, glances around awkwardly like someone’s going to overhear them, and finally says, “Karma, you always look good to me. I don’t know why you even need to ask.”

“I -- sorry. I just feel like I’ve been carrying baby weight,” she explains, suddenly self conscious.

“Yeah, because you had a _baby_ ,” Amy says with a smile as she glances over. “And you’re not a fucking celebrity with a personal trainer and chef. You’re a single mom, raising my favorite little person, so fuck it if you’re don’t magically look like some fucking ... _Kardashian_ or whatever. You looked good before, you looked good when you were pregnant, you look good now.”

“You’re biased,” Karma teases.

“Sure, but I mean it.”

They don’t talk much for most of the rest of the walk, Evan falls asleep after the first twenty minutes, but the weather’s so nice that they mostly just keep rounding the neighborhood in long, extended circles. It’s not like there aren’t a million things to say, but it’s a comfort to Karma, to know they still have the kind of relationship that allows for moments of comfortable silence too. Everyone else just fills the space with meaningless words, but that’s never been her and Amy, and sure, for all the times it’s easier to just be alone, there’s just as many times that having her here means _everything_.

“Karma,” she starts, but then pauses and rubs at her forehead. Karma glances over, gesturing for Amy to continue, so she does. “Nic’s coming up for the weekend, she’ll be here tomorrow,” she finally says, all in one breath, looking relieved as soon as the words are out.

“Oh, so this is -- are you guys serious?” Karma finally asks.

“No -- yes -- maybe, I don’t know, okay?” she answers after a moment. “I don’t know, like, how to explain it. When I’m there, it’s.. but when I’m here, it’s…” Amy stops, frustrated that she can’t get the words out.

“It’s what?” Karma prods, gently.

“They feel like two different worlds,” she admits, quietly, staring straight ahead. “It’s so easy to get caught up in things.”

“You mean caught up in her,” Karma finally says, a little sadly, looking over.

Amy says nothing for a long time, but then heaves a breath. “I didn’t plan for her, I didn’t go looking for her, it just-”

“Yeah.”

“I wouldn’t have -- it wasn’t easy leaving you. I was so homesick. She was just a friend-” Karma winces visibly, and her face must do _something_ because Amy just stops all together, looks flustered and apologetic all at once.

Karma takes a hit where she knows it’ll hurt, says, “of course she was a friend,” regrets it immediately as Amy’s defenses fly up.

“ _You_ told me to go meet people, okay? _You_ sent me off to college when all I wanted to do was stay here with you and Evan. I didn’t want _any_ of this, Karma. All I wanted was you.”

“I didn’t expect you to find someone after three fucking days,” she bites back, appreciating the fact that Evan fell asleep right on schedule because she felt guilty about fighting with Liam in front of him for weeks. “I guess I thought we -- I don’t know what I thought.”

“No, finish your sentence,” Amy says, quickly, jumping at her opportunity. “And three days? Really?”

Karma shakes her head, frowning darkly, gripping the handles of Evan’s stroller tighter, because it’s the only thing stopping her from flying into some weird jealous rage she has no real business feeling. “I was stupid enough to think that what happened before you left meant something. But, this is just you, Amy. I turn you down and you’re off onto the next one.”

It’s fucking _low_ , Amy deflates noticeably, and Karma finds she doesn’t really care because it feels just as shitty as it did when they were fifteen - Amy was off to Liam, and then Reagan, and then Madison, all the while proclaiming her undying love. It sort of takes the sincerity right out of all the declarations when there’s always someone right behind as soon as Karma doesn’t immediately respond in kind. This time seemed different - but, it’s clearly not, and somehow, it hurts worse because she’d let herself hope for the future.

She’s still gripping the stroller, tighter and tighter, moving faster and faster, anywhere away from where they are now.

“Karma,” Amy calls out, and she finally stops walking. She doesn't know how it happened, but Amy is at least ten paces behind and has to jog to catch up.

“What?” she spits out with surprising anger, starting to walk again.

“Karma!” she says, louder, putting her hand over Karma’s on the stroller handle. “You can’t just say all that.. _shit_ and expect me to take it!”

“No, dropping bombs would be your thing,” she replies, looking away sharply.

“And what was that?” Amy asks, with an almost spiteful expression. “Is it Let’s Slut-shame Amy Day?”

“No, it’s Tell Amy The Fucking Truth Day!” she has no idea why she’s yelling, and in public no less.

“Oh, so I have to travel hundreds of miles and bang a girl to get that? Why can you never just say it?”

“What?” Karma asks quickly, turning to face her again, stamping on the brake on Evan’s stroller to keep it from rolling.

“Say. It.” Amy’s in her face now. “Say you’re jealous. Say you wish you hadn’t pushed me away because you’ve got some weird _Saint Karma complex_. Say you wish Nic wasn’t coming. Just say _something_ , because it’d be better than all this grade school _bullshit_!”

“Fuck you.”

It’s not the greatest response, it doesn’t really deny or confirm a fucking thing, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Well, that’s not true, three other words did, but neither of them would be able to _actually_ handle that.

“Apparently I do that with everyone but you now,” Amy laughs, bitterly. “Contrary to popular belief, Karma, I didn’t roll up at San Antonio prowling lesbian bars for girls to fuck.” Karma flinches at the word choice. “When I first got there I spent the every night crying because I missed you, I missed him,” she pauses to look at Evan in the stroller for the first time and sighs. “I missed _us_.”

Karma looks up at that, not expecting such an admission, or for all of the anger in her to suddenly dissipate. “Us?”

Amy’s hand slides over hers again on the stroller handle. “There’s always been an us, Karma. I think denying it is getting a little old,” she nods because she can’t really argue with that. “If I could pull a Tatiana Maslany and clone myself, I would. One of me would stay in San Antonio, the other would be here with you,” she continues, smiling sadly.

“Who gets the real you?”

“I think you know the answer,” she replies, in the soft, quiet voice reserved for these moments.

“I do,” Karma finally manages, eyes never leaving Amy’s when she adds. “I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t really know what she’s apologizing for. All she does know is that she’s responsible for fucking up Amy’s life. _Again_. And now they’ve pulled Nic into this mess. Perfect, kind, intelligent, sexy, very into Amy Nic - she’s done nothing to deserve having to put up with all their shit, but she’ll be here tomorrow, and Karma needs to stop taking and learn to start giving.

Now feels as good a time as any.

“Karm, she doesn’t have to --”

Karma shakes her head, says, “I was thinking maybe we could get dinner one night this weekend.. The three of us. I wanna know this girl that has you wanting to clone yourself.”

“Dinner. Right. Sure,” Amy concedes, face hardening to mask any lingering sadness.

For as much as they both admitted, it’s still not _enough_ , and Karma’s not going to be the one that lays claim on Amy like she did with Reagan. There’s too much to lose - and even just having Amy back for a day she’s faced with the idea that if things didn’t work, Evan would be losing a sort of second parent in the separation. Amy’s happy, her photo albums on Facebook and her pictures on Instagram - no, Karma’s not _stalking_ , she can’t help what comes up on her feed - say that Amy is off being a college kid. She’s going to concerts, posting pictures of Nic with the cutest puppy Karma’s ever fucking seen, Nic’s even made her dinner a few times if the food posts are anything to go by. Nic can offer Amy something Karma can’t. _Freedom_. The ability to live life as it comes, while Karma is physically restrained by the little boy asleep in his stroller. Amy loves him, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s _enough_.

They go home after the walk, Karma says it’s because they both need space, but honestly staying in the same bed with Amy again after fighting like that would lead them nowhere good. Nic gets in early the next morning judging by the text from Amy asking when she wants to get together for dinner. But, well, if she’s going to push Amy back to another girl then she’s going to actually learn to be Amy’s best friend in a real way.

* * *

 

Farrah answers the door with a “Karma, so nice to see you and this handsome boy” as she ruffles Evan’s hair a few times. He smiles at her, trying to hand his teething ring full of drool over. “You keep that, honey,” Farrah tells him, then turns to Karma again and gestures to the steps. “Amy and Nicole are upstairs.”

“Oh, I -- um, I can --”

“Open door policy, Karma. They’re just watching TV,” she explains with a polite smile. “I’ll bring his stroller inside, you two go on up.” Karma blushes, unbuckles Evan from his confines, and heads for Amy’s room with a small wave.

The door is open when they get there, Amy perks up at the sight of them, Nic sits up on her elbows, eyebrows raised in curiosity. It feels more like being examined, and less like judgment, but Karma’s on high alert to be on her best behavior, regardless.

“Hey, you didn’t mention coming over this early,” Amy mentions, hands out for Evan instantly. “What’s up, little man? It’s been like less than twenty-four hours and I missed you already.”

He smiles at Amy like he remembers her from yesterday, offering up his teething ring to her the same as he did for Farrah, but Amy makes chewing noises and pretends to munch on it, amusing him greatly. He lets out a loud belly laugh when she munches on his hand ‘accidentally’ and her eyes light up at the sound, like she accomplished her life’s mission.

“Nic, this is Evan, my favorite kid in the _entire_ world,” Amy says, turning to introduce him fully.

“I gathered since he has an entire photo album to himself on your phone, Amy,” she responds with a light smile, clearly teasing.

“Well, look how cute he is, it’s totally justified,” she defends, then turns to face Karma, adding, “and this is Karma, in the flesh, since you guys already met via FaceTime.”

“Of course, it’s nice to _actually_ meet you, Karma,” Nic says, standing to offer a hug and kiss on the cheek easily enough. Karma stiffens instantly, then wills herself to relax and respond so she doesn’t look like some socially inept _weirdo_.

She clears her throat, says, “You too, I’ve been looking forward to it since Amy mentioned you coming,” and then backs away to really get a good look at the girl that’s stolen her best friend’s attention. Nic is effortlessly chic, not in that free-spirit way that was Madison, but she oozes the kind of confidence and nonchalance that says she’s just comfortable in her own skin. It’s not a feeling Karma’s familiar with, but it’s so easy to see on other people. Somehow, with her loose wavy hair and her dark gray capris, a loose fit t-shirt, and a maroon leather jacket she manages a look that’d take Karma two days to perfect - instead it looks like she offhandedly picked the items out of a pile of clothes on a bedroom floor. She’s pretty fucking sure if she was off at San Antonio College she would’ve been fucking attracted to this girl too. The light accent in her voice is the just the fucking cherry on top, really.

“I hope I’m not intruding, just thought since Ev won’t be joining us for dinner you could squeeze in some time with him, and I -- well, I thought Nic could meet him too,” Karma offers, gently, meeting Amy’s eyes in something of a concession.

Amy smiles this weird mix of ‘thank you’ and ‘I hate you for this’ and neither really feels better than the other. Nic looks back and forth a few times, assessing the situation, face neutral as she observes their interactions.

“Not intruding,” Amy finally agrees easily enough. “I was actually hoping I could show him off so this works out perfectly.”

 _This works out perfectly_. It’s not exactly the words Karma would use to describe the situation she’s finding herself in, but honestly, she knows it’s of her own doing. Nic is nice, she’s actually everything Karma _isn’t_ , and is the perfect counterpoint to everything Amy has waiting at home. In some ways it’s nice that Amy isn’t off finding these creepy rip-off versions of her anymore, but then it feels like Amy’s somehow put her down by finding someone who’s so completely opposite.

It’s not really something that’s easy to come to terms with, though with the way it looks, she’s going to have plenty of time to do it.

“Can I hold him?” Nic asks after a moment, question aimed at Amy, but Karma’s throat closes up all the same.

“Sure,” Amy holds him out like a little lion cub and his face shifts to one of unease, but he seems willing to trust that he’s not being handed off to some serial killer.

“Hey, Evan, it’s very nice to meet you. Your aunt Amy has told me such nice things about you,” Nic talks to him like he’s a little adult once he’s in her arms and he seems to settle at that, teething ring held out again like a peace offering. Karma feels mildly betrayed by the way he takes to her. “I have a niece and nephew,” she explains, pulling her phone from her back pocket to pull up a few pictures of some very cute looking children and a vaguely hipster looking guy with a beard and sunglasses holding them both. “They’re my brother’s. I miss them terribly, but they’re such great kids.”

Amy takes the phone, eyeing the pictures in interest, and Karma moves to look over her shoulder. Of course, they’re fucking adorable, and Amy tells her as much. Nic smiles at that, explaining that they’re four and two, that her brother lives in Madrid with them, but that they have plans to meet for Christmas in Amsterdam. And what? Karma reins in her envy because who the fuck is this girl?!

She’s everything Karma’s not - but she can’t say she isn’t everything Karma wants to _be_.

“I’ve got a lot of cousins as well. I’ve always really enjoyed children,” Nic says as she smiles at Evan a few times, tickling his feet to get a few laughs. Amy’s clearly smitten at the sight, and her eyes only grow softer when Nic sits on the edge of the bed, baby in hand, and continues with, “I can see why your aunt Amy takes so many pictures of you, Evan. You’re quite the little charmer.”

They look like a family sitting there on Amy’s bed and Karma almost flinches at the sight. Instead, she forces herself to keep looking at the three of them because this is the path she chose. It’s no secret that she wanted Evan to have another parent - and from the day he was born that person has always been Amy - but, she never thought about what it would be if she wasn’t actually _with_ Amy. The fact that they’d date other people eventually hadn’t really entered her mind, and now that it’s in her face it’s a lot more painful than she could’ve imagined. She’s going to have to learn to share him with a woman that’s, for all intents and purposes, taking her place. Not only is Nic taking her place in Amy’s life, she might have to accept the fact that she’s going to be sort of taking her place in Evan’s as well, at least some of the time.

* * *

 

Her parents take Evan for the night, shooing her out to take a night for herself, but they don’t realize that an ideal night for Karma is owning the couch with ice cream, sweatpants, trash TV, and Amy. Unfortunately, with Nic in town, all of that’s out of the question and it’s how she finds herself sitting in a booth across from the new couple, sipping on a glass of wine she really doesn’t want. After a lengthy dinner that involved Karma eating about three leaves of lettuce and half a dinner roll, Nic got them into a bar in downtown Austin, somewhere small that doesn’t card so they can drink and relax since it’s a night without a baby to take care of. Dinner was spent watching this new dynamic unfold, watching Amy actually be with someone in a real way. Karma watched as they discussed the menu like they’d done it hundreds of times before, watched as they traded off on who got what so they could try each other’s, watched as Nic tapped Amy’s thigh and Amy just _knew_ what it meant, slid out of the booth automatically at the gesture.

It’s all making Karma remember that this isn’t a life she can give to Amy - going out for dinners alone, nights to themselves at bars with whiskey sours. All she’d be able to promise Amy at this point would be Friendly’s with chicken nuggets, waters with lemon they barely get to touch, a diaper bag crowding up half the seat while the waitresses take far too long to hunt down the one dilapidated high chair in the entire establishment that some other bratty kid is probably already using anyway.

Who would ever even consider that as a viable option?

What’s been offered tonight is so much more than she can offer Amy - and that’s really it right there, isn’t it? All Karma knows is: _Nic is not me, and I am not Nic, and Amy deserves the best_. There’s no use pretending that anything with her and Evan isn’t settling for a life that’s so much less than what Nic can give her now.

Amy gets up to return to the bar for the second round, Nic turns to face Karma a little more fully, and says, “It’s nice to get to meet you and Evan, you’re both all Amy really speaks of from home. I was beginning to think you both were the sole inhabitants of Austin.”

Karma smiles politely. “I’m sure you’ve met Lauren.. And where there’s Lauren there’s Shane. My um - Evan’s father isn’t really involved,” she pauses to gauge Nic’s reaction and plunders forward at her small nod. “He left when I found out. Liam used to be - well, he was part of our crowd in high school. Amy was never really looking for a group of friends though, she’s always been more into quality over quantity I guess.”

“So I’ve noticed. She’s much the same at school,” Nic explains, glancing over to the bar where Amy’s still waiting in the line that’s forming. “She’s… well, she’s not anything I ever expected to find at a college in Texas.”

“She’s different,” Karma confirms, a genuine smile forming involuntarily. “The best kind of different.”

“You know, Karma, I’ve always thought being monogamous was something of a social construct,” Nic says, abruptly, and Karma almost spits her wine across the table. She restrains herself in time to raise an eyebrow, steadying her hands on the stem of the wine glass. “But, I like Amy very much. She’s sweet. I don’t usually date freshmen, but.. Some rules need exceptions I guess,” she notes with a wry smile and sip of her dirty martini (of course).

Before Karma can answer Amy’s sitting back down handing out another glass of wine, and another martini, keeping the rum and coke for herself. “What’d I miss?” she asks with a smile, and Karma knows it means a lot to her that this night goes well.

“Just getting to know each other,” she explains as Amy scoots in closer to Nic than she’d been before and Karma wills herself not to feel the pain it causes. _Amy’s doing what I asked_ she reminds herself four more times in quick succession. Repeats it like a mantra in her head instead of biting out all the bitter remarks crawling up her throat.

* * *

 

It’s become clear as the next hour and a half crawls by that Nic isn’t using Amy - her affection is completely genuine - and Karma wishes this was a case of some evil bitch out to wreak havoc. But, Amy’s some fucking exception to all the rules (isn’t she always), and there’s no ruining Amy’s happiness this time. So, she just watches the happy couple goof off on the dance floor that’s forming as it gets later and more people pour into the alley bar that’s one of the few not carding or charging covers. Moping really isn’t the way to get through the night, but it feels weirdly satisfying to sit in the corner of a darkened booth hating the world. Most nights it’s bottling up emotions for Evan, lullabies, and hot chocolate while catching up on all her recorded TV from the week.

Tonight, Karma’s content to just _feel_ it, take in the misery as the alcohol courses through.

“Karm, come dance with me?” Amy’s all glassy eyed smiles and offered invitations and Karma’s never really been able to say no to that face. She nods and follows her best friend to the floor, weaving between people to the empty space.

“Where’s Nic?” she shouts over the music, unaware of when this place decided to become a fucking club.

“Bathroom, smoke break, then more drinks.”

“She smokes?” Karma asks as Amy pulls her a little bit closer, hands lingering on hips, sending shivers up her spine that become hard to conceal.

Amy just hums out ‘mmhmm’ in response, swaying a little as some fucking awful club beat thrums along. “Loosen up a little. Your parents have Evan - have a little fun with me. _Relax_.”

She feels the ‘relax’ reverberate all the way down to the tips of her toes and back up again. It was a different time, different feelings, different intentions. But, it shuts out the rest of the bar immediately and then all that really exists is Amy with that same look in her eyes, like she knows exactly what she just said, even if unintended.

“Relax, huh?” Karma asks, softly. There’s a nod somewhere in response, but she feels it more than sees it as she lets herself be taken into this moment. It’s all wrong, and really they both have to know they deserve more than this moment here, on a dance floor with Amy’s girlfriend somewhere in the crowd, but she doesn’t dare protest it either.

“Karma, I -”

“Amy, just shut up, okay? No talking,” she breathes out with a smirk, hands wrapping around the back of Amy’s neck, as if ‘personal space’ is a foreign concept.

“No talking,” Amy echoes with a grin.

Talking has done nothing but ruin them since Evan was born. It’s been all the conversations that have just made things harder and more complicated, created barriers and built walls. It’s been the times they haven’t talked, the times they’ve just let themselves _be_ , that things are just simple. If there hadn’t been all those fucking words, if Karma had just let them happen, she might be the one with Amy right now instead of this girl from San Antonio College that can offer so much more. Amy might have never known there was more to be had if they just _didn’t talk_.

A few songs pulse through the room and it’s so easy to forget about the fact that Amy’s attached to someone when her hands keep lingering just below Karma’s waist. The bar is about as hot as the seventh circle of hell and Amy’s face is glistening with sweat from all the body heat.

“Outside?” Karma asks, gesturing to the door in case it’s still too loud. Amy gives her a goofy little thumbs up and follows close behind as they make a run for the door, laughing like fools when they finally breathe in the cool night air and the alcohol feels like it hits full force then.

“Fuck, it’s hot,” Amy manages, moving to lean against a wall on the side of the building. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe in there.”

“Because of the people or because of my stellar dance moves?” Karma asks, a silly grin forming.

Amy snorts. “Your dance moves are totally what made me fall for you.” They both freeze, Amy looks distraught with her word choice, reaching her hand out for Karma’s immediately. “I, Karma - it’s - I was trying to joke around.”

“No, I know. Really. It’s fine. We have to get there, right?” she shrugs with an air of nonchalance, letting her hand be taken somewhere in the process. Amy pulls her in until they’re centimeters apart, their bodies flush against the wall she’s been leaning on.

It’s hard not to close the gap there. It’d be so easy to give in when there’s tension like this. The air feels charged, and electric, and everything it was the last time they kissed. Except, tonight, there’s no angsty drama, no college decisions, there’s no pushing Amy away for the greater good. There’s just being nineteen, sneaking into a bar, a little too much alcohol, and the desire to make the mistakes Karma knows she shouldn’t.

“You look - ridiculously pretty tonight,” Amy whispers, eyes searching Karma’s face for any sort of sign.

Karma blushes in spite of herself, knows she made that effort possibly hoping this exact moment might take place, even if she knows it shouldn’t.

“Yeah?” she shakes her head at the fact that she’s been reduced to this fucking monosyllabic idiot right now.

“Mm,” Amy hums out, eyes pointedly focused on her lips. “We.. probably shouldn’t..”

“Yeah,” Karma breathes out a moment later, sighing when Amy brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. It’s so stupidly cliche but her heart jumps anyway. “We _really_ shouldn’t,” she confirms, actions completely fucking killing her words when she doesn’t move back.

They’re so close it feels like they’re just breathing the same recycled air between them, it’s hard to be level headed when there’s such kissable lips right _there_ , just millimeters away. Amy’s eyes are basically begging her to lean to forward, to take the choice out of her hands, to make her not be the bad guy in this one. But, Karma doesn’t wanna be the villain either, so instead she refocuses herself, says, “I’m not going to ruin this for you, Ames,” and pulls away with a sigh.

Before Amy can respond, Nic comes sauntering out, finds them both leaning against the wall in some sort of weird, almost awkward silence, and lights a cigarette rather than commenting on it. It’s a moment where Karma debates thanking her for the reprieve because it feels like the tension is evident, but all she can do is watch. Watch the long plume of smoke rise into the night air as Nic exhales. Watch her wordlessly place the cigarette between Amy’s lips and hold it while she takes a drag. Karma tries to look away, but she can’t. It’s all so familiar, so _intimate_ , that she can’t stand it. She wants to scream, and yell, and lay claim, but she can’t. She has no right to. She gave those rights away in the name of being mature and selfless. Truthfully, she probably _could_ scream, but no one would hear. Nic only has eyes for Amy at this point anyway, and Amy won’t acknowledge any of what just happened either. She just exhales, leans forward and kisses Nic in this light but passionate way that feels a lot like a dull knife to the chest.

Karma _knows_ that kiss, because Amy kissed her like that once too. A long time ago.

There’s red flags setting off all the alarms, that kiss was meant for someone else, and _maybe_ all three of them know it - but ignore it anyway. It’s not lost on any of them that if Nic wasn’t here -- well, that’s a dangerous line of thought and Karma only just barely looks away to remind herself that she can’t really spend her life in the land of what-ifs.

All she can think as she takes in the stale air outside the bar is: _that should’ve been me_.

“Come on, you two. More dancing? It’s not time for you to turn into pumpkins just yet,” Nic’s voice is light and playful, accent just barely pulling at a few words. “Karma, I hear you’re a spectacular dancer, I expect to see some of this tonight.”

Amy smiles when Karma finally laughs and says, “I’ve been told my dance moves are part of my charm.”

They return to club music, way too much sweat, and sweet cocktails - and they probably burn their entire dinner off in dance moves that are probably inappropriate for the situation they’ve found themselves in. Nic isn’t one to leave Karma out, pulling her in close, timed precisely to the pulse of the song, and it’s intoxicating, and honestly a huge turn on, to be so close to Amy and Nic at the same time. It’s kind of a _what the fuck_ moment, but no one seems to really question it, attributing it to the alcohol and atmosphere, shrugging off the weirdness of this bizarre triangle that’s formed without any of their knowledge. There are hands that graze her ass a few times, but there’s no telling if they come from Amy or Nic, and that’s a weird thought in and of itself that she chooses not to fully focus on. It is what it is, and by one in the fucking morning, as they all laugh hysterically over a drunk frat boy stumbling into a cab at the curb, Karma knows she actually _likes_ Nic, like as a human being, and then she hates herself for it.

* * *

 

The cab ride home takes ten years longer than usual and Karma’s itching to see her little boy. It’s the first night since he was born that she hasn’t been the one tucking him in, somehow that feels like a failure on her part. Amy’s left hand is intertwined in Nic’s right as the cab flies through the streets of Austin at some ridiculous speed for this time of night. Karma _wants_ to hate Nic really, she wishes Nic was spiteful and petty, intent on staking her claim on Amy, but if anything Nic is the perfect example of someone that feels no threat from their friendship. She’s encouraged their time together, she’s acknowledged the years they’ve shared, never overstepping or acting like she has any ownership of Amy. Really, if Karma had to hand pick someone for her best friend, this girl is exemplary, and seems adamant about making sure that Amy’s still going to be around for Evan.

“It’s that house on the left,” Amy points out, leaning over to gesture more easily as Nic peers out the window, smiling softly when she watches Amy dorkily continue to point.

It’s hard not to wonder what they’re like together, if that kiss Karma witnessed earlier is a sign of what their relationship is like regularly. She’s not an idiot, it’s clear they’ve been sleeping together for a while at this point, they’re not fucking sixteen anymore, shuffling awkwardly around the idea of sex. Amy’s been a ‘sex person’ for a while now too, sleeping with girls who catch her eye much more easily than Karma’s ever been able to give herself to any boy that’s come by. Hence all these fucking years in Liam Booker’s orbit - he was from before and she wonders if that’s why it’s always been so easy to just go back to him. But Amy’s been looking to move forward for a long time now, since they were kids really, and it feels like Nic is the first person to really be _pushing_ her forward.

“Lovely place, Karma,” Nic comments, looking at Karma with kind eyes. “Tonight was a lot of fun, I’m so glad your parents could watch Evan for a few hours so we could go out.”

“It was a great time, I’m glad you could make it for the weekend,” she agrees, climbing out of the car to head for the house, alcohol still buzzing through her system. “Hopefully see you soon.”

The front door looks far away but she heads there anyway, waving slightly at the car that she’s perfectly fine to complete the journey alone. Amy’s footsteps on the pavement make it clear she’s not alone though, it’s probably weird she knows how Amy walks, but how could she not after all these years?

“You don’t need to follow me, Ames. I can get to the front door, it’s right there.”

Amy laughs softly. “I just wanted to say goodnight, Karm. Not stalking you.”

“Stalk me anytime,” Karma bites back with a smirk, finally stopping and turning. “Amy, she’s - well, you already know…” she manages with sad smile, shrugging at the lack of words.

“I do. But it means a lot to me that you like her.”

“I wish I didn’t.”

“I know that too,” Amy finally replies, stepping in to kiss Karma’s cheek softly, eyes suspiciously glassy when she leans back and says, “You’re still my favorite.” She’s surprised when Amy goes for her other cheek whispers, “And that’s for my other favorite. Say goodnight to him for me?”

“Of course,” Karma breathes out after a moment.

Amy nods, hands buried deep in the pockets of the leather jacket she’s had for years. “Sleep well, Karm.”

Karma watches her get back in the cab, watches Nic kiss her hungrily like the night isn’t anywhere near over for them, watches the cab pull away for Amy’s house, a walk she’s taken countless times over the years. She swears if she’d _actually_ gone blind sophomore year she’d still be able to find Amy’s house, and then belatedly understands that her chest _hurts_ at the thought of Nic being the one in Amy’s bed while the left side of her own is a graveyard of pillows and discarded t-shirts.

Yeah, she should go inside and get some sleep, but instead she sits on the steps, watches as the brake lights fade into the distance four stop signs up, predictably making a right seconds later, and Karma knows it’ll make another left two blocks up to stop in front of the second two story house on the left hand side. She knows Amy and Nic will get out, tip the guy, and sneak in through the side door to the kitchen where the back staircase is. They’ll tiptoe up the left side of the steps, the floorboards don’t creak on that side, so they won’t wake Farrah. Amy will forget the water, because she always does, sneak back down, and step on the creaky board at the bottom anyway because they never could remember to avoid what they knew would get them into trouble.

Karma sits on the steps for twenty more minutes, wonders what it would be to be the one in Amy’s bed right now, to be the one underneath Amy, to be kissed the way she so _badly_ wants to be because it feels like Amy’s the only one that knows _how_. She imagines what it would’ve been to be Amy’s first choice tonight. She wishes it was more than part of her imagination. Once, she got so close to being with Amy for real she could taste it, and then she walked away.

Life has no do overs, but she's never wanted one more.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s been a sad week or so with the announcement of the cancellation – trust me I’m as sad as anyone about it. But, I’m not abandoning this fic – it will get finished – however, it doesn’t actually have much left to it. And that has nothing to do with the cancellation, it was only ever meant to span about the first year of Evan’s life. I am thinking about some new projects if anyone’s interested in continuing to read for this pairing, let me know if you guys are interested.

_She is hard on herself_

_She is broken and won’t ask for help_

“So.. Taylor Collins messaged me on Facebook a few nights ago.”

Amy’s head snaps up immediately at the comment, eyebrows raised in vague curiosity as she readjusts Evan in her lap. “Oh yeah? I’m sure he had _super_ interesting things to say.”

“He asked me out,” Karma finally admits, watching as Amy flinches, grip tightening on the textbook in front of Evan.

“That’s.. _awesome_ ,” she manages, and the subject seems to be closed right then and there.

It’s not fair, really. The way Amy is off playing house with this girl in college, and Karma even _mentions_ a boy asking her out, and it’s like a crime’s been committed. Evan’s coming up on ten-months-old, and if she can’t have Amy then some part of her wonders if she should be thinking about getting back out there - if she should be thinking about who the hell is going to help her raise her kid. It’s no secret it should be Amy, and if Karma had free pick of anyone in the entire world it _would_ be Amy, but at this point it’s starting to become: if it _can’t_ be Amy, then who will it be?

“That’s it? That’s awesome?” Karma asks after a moment, continues with, “I thought you’d have more questions than that,” and waits.

Amy sighs. “Karm, what else do you want me to say? You know how I feel about Collins - he’s a self-absorbed, cocky toolbag. He’s just as bad as Liam. I mean you’re really gonna expose Evan to someone like _that_ on a regular basis?”

“It’s not like guys are beating down the door to be with someone that comes with a pre-packaged family.”

“Are you suddenly looking for some serious relationship?” Amy asks, jingling her car keys around for entertainment for Evan. “I mean the last time we talked you didn’t even seem interested in dating.”

“I’m nineteen,” Karma notes, glancing over at the two of them sadly. “I can’t just turn into some old hag with a kid. He changed everything, but he isn’t the start and the end of my life.”

In saying it, Karma realizes it to be true for the first time since she became a mother. Just because she had a baby doesn’t mean it’s the end of everything - it just means a lot changed. And maybe Amy is off being what society has deemed a normal nineteen-year-old at college and so on, but she finally realizes that the route she took isn’t abnormal, just different, and she needs to learn to stop punishing herself for it.

“No, he isn’t,” Amy agrees, carefully. “But, you’re still a mom now-”

“Amy, I know you mean well,” Karma interjects, steeling herself against the oncoming accusations. “But don’t act like me thinking about dating someone means I’m a bad parent. You, of all people, know that isn’t true.”

“I wasn’t saying that.”

Karma waits, disbelief written all over her face. “Then what _were_ you saying?”

“I was just pointing out that who you date is going to affect him,” Amy points out, gesturing to the baby in her lap, like Karma’s somehow forgotten him.

“You’re talking to me like I don’t know that. Of course I know it affects him. _If_ I went out with Taylor I wouldn’t even have him around Evan like that.”

“If?” Amy asks after a beat, turning on the couch to face Karma more fully.

“I never said I was going,” Karma finally answers, and then pauses to collect her thoughts. “I guess I just wanted to see what you thought. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life alone, Ames.”

“What about me?”

“What about you? You’re with Nic, okay? You’re not Evan’s parent, you have no obligation to us,” Karma reminds, pain written all over her face at the admission.

Amy shuts her eyes the second the words are out. “Okay…” she says around a breath. “Wow.”

“I’m just telling you the truth,” Karma tells her softly, trying to inflict as little damage as possible.

“Yeah, sure,” Amy gets out, voice suddenly closed and colder than it’s ever been. “We have more studying to do, E. You ready?” she turns to Evan and her textbook, avoiding Karma entirely, and Karma hates herself for ruining what little time they have. Amy’s home for Thanksgiving break and it was supposed to be four days of uninterrupted time together. No Nic. No college. No _bullshit_. And it feels like she can’t help but ruin whatever time they’ve gotten together since Amy left for college.

“Amy-”

“Tell mommy we’re studying, E,” Amy says to him, earning a smile from Evan who slaps at the textbook and bounces like a happy baby seal. Karma laughs and Amy grins at his reaction. If getting past arguments is as easy as making him laugh, well, she’s willing to bring him everywhere for the rest of forever.

“You helping aunt Amy, baby?” Karma coos at him a few times, snorting when he throws Amy’s car keys across the room in excitement.

Amy shakes her head with a laugh. “Thanks, little man. Guess it’s a sign I’m not leaving anytime soon, huh?”

“No!” Evan replies loudly, little feet kicking at the textbook in front.

They’re still not used to him talking and it surprises them both when he actually answers things appropriately, even though all the baby books say he probably isn’t doing that purposely. He babbles a lot more than anything else, big on one syllable words that manage to make it into the daily conversations he has with grandpa Lucas.

“No?! E, you don’t get to decide how long I stay,” Amy tells him, smile bright and full.

Karma’s fairly certain she’ll never be over their interactions. No matter who she dates or how long they stay, these moments will always make her heart want to explode with joy. “You ready for dinner, buddy?” she finally asks after a few beats, just so they don’t ruin their carefully crafted schedule.

He babbles back some non-intelligible response and reaches out for the textbook attempting to turn the page to mimic Amy. Karma snorts when he rips one. Amy attempts a scowl, breaks immediately and says, “Are you interested in the photographic achievements of Robert Mapplethorpe?”

“Maybe we have a mini photographer on our hands,” Karma offers as she heaves herself off the couch to hunt down dinner for all three of them.

“What do you think of that?” Amy asks him, reaching down to poke his belly a few times. “I could give you all my old cameras when you get older, we can shoot pictures together,” and Karma has a second where she has to lean on the counter for support, hidden by the wall separating the kitchen and living room. It’s an image she hadn’t quite let herself consider - a ten-year-old Evan running around learning photography techniques from Amy. “Karma! He totally nodded yes, I think we need to get him a toy camera,” Amy announces a few seconds later from the other room.

It’s getting harder and harder to imagine a future that isn’t _with_ Amy - and maybe that’s precisely why she needs to think about moving on too.

* * *

 

“Open that mouth!” Amy says with a smile, airplaning a small spoon over her head. “Coming in for landing, E. You gotta let the plane on the runway.”

Evan shakes his head, aggressively opposed to any of the mushed peas. Amy’s doing everything she can to convince him, and bless her heart for trying so hard.

“He hates the peas,” Karma tells her, smirking when he hits the spoon out of her hand and the food hits the floor with a splat. “I can usually get him to take one spoonful and then that’s the end of it.”

“To be fair,” Amy starts, making a face as she sniffs at the jar. “These look _awful_. I think they’re even worse than you described. I don’t really blame him.”

Karma laughs, shakes her head as she grabs for a rag to wipe up the mess. “He’s gonna be off his formula soon though, the pediatrician said he needs nutrients-”

“But at _what_ cost?” Amy asks seriously as she uses the bib to wipe the green mush off Evan’s face.

“Ames, we’re not feeding him rat poison. They’re peas.”

“He’d like donuts more.”

“Duh,” Karma deadpans, smiling as she leans over to kisses his little cheeks before heading to the sink, vaguely wondering how they can go from bickering at each other to _this_ so quickly. “It’s probably a good thing you don’t determine all of his food choices.”

“Hey, just because I have a sweet tooth-”

“A sweet _tooth_?” Karma asks, shock evident as she turns to look at Amy again. “You have a sweet mouth,” she blurts, flushing immediately when she realizes how it sounded.

Amy snorts. “Oh, I _know_ that, Karma.”

“Shut up. You know I didn’t mean it like that,” she assures with an embarrassed grin, but considers that out of the few people she has kissed Amy’s still the best by a landslide.

“Sure you didn’t,” Amy replies, clearly amused, and continues cleaning off Evan before lifting him from his chair. “E, your mommy thinks I have a sweet mouth,” she singsongs, chuckling when Evan laughs back like he actually _gets_ the joke.

“Amy!”

“What? I need someone on my side. Little man is always on my team.”

“He’s my kid, why’s he on your team?” she asks with a smile, wondering how Amy is gonna defend this one.

“Because he’s my E. Always will be,” Amy finally says, clearly pleased, and then kisses his face until he belly laughs and kicks his feet, his little hands in fists, and Karma’s heart thuds roughly in her chest at the scene.

* * *

 

It’s been two weeks since Amy went back to school, and the clock on the nightstand is nearing midnight when Karma glances over for the tenth time. She’s spent the last four hours agonizing over Evan with his stuffy little nose and cough that’s only gotten progressively worse all day. They even spent an hour holed up in her parent’s tiny bathroom, filling it with steam, hoping it might help him breathe just a little bit more because she can’t stand to see him like this.

Being a parent means not having control over a lot of things, and that’s just not a lesson she wanted to learn by watching her little boy suffer for hours on end.

His coughs ring through the baby monitor, and when he starts to cry it’s basically the last straw. Karma heaves herself out of bed and pads to the room just across the hall to find Evan with a red nose, crying as he bangs on the bars of the crib clearly looking for some sort of salvation.

“Hey, baby, I’m here.. Mommy’s here, okay? I’ve got you,” Karma tells him as she pulls him from his crib, warmth radiating from his tiny form in waves. “You feel warm, Ev, I think we should check your temperature.”

Evan has sad eyes and coughs up more mucus as they make their way to the kitchen to hunt down the thermometer Amy bought back when he was just an infant. He whimpers when Karma struggles to get it under his arm, and fusses against her during the wait, and somehow she just feels worse, like she’s torturing him in the name of trying to help. It seems like a lot of the next few years are going to feel a lot like that though.

“That can’t be right,” she says out loud, more to herself than him, when the thermometer beeps, reading 102.1. “That - your fever can’t be _that_ high… Just lemme check it one more time, buddy,” and when the reading comes back the second time at 102.3 is when she starts to actually panic, and suddenly it’s not so fucking nice that her parents are _never_ home to provide any fucking guidance.

Evan looks up with heavy lidded eyes, his nose continually running like a small faucet, and Karma just wants to crawl in a hole and evaporate because it doesn’t feel like she should be the adult making the decisions here - all she really wants is her mom to tell her what to do. Or really, any actual _real_ adult that could talk some sense instead of what she’s stuck with - which is figuring out what he needs from her.

Again she wonders why the fuck parenthood doesn’t come with a god damn manual because feeling lost like this becomes less and less appealing as the minutes tick by while her baby looks to her for answers.

All she can think to do is fire off a text to Amy:

**December 9 (12:17 AM)**

**Karma** : Evan has a fever. I checked it twice. 102.1 and 102.3. What do I do?

**(12:19 AM)**

**Amy** : maybe he needs to go to the hospital karm.. that sounds high.. just take him to be safe. he’s going to be fine they’re going to take care of him.

**(12:21 AM)**

**Karma** : I’m freaking out. He’s been sick all day. What if something’s really wrong?

**(12:21 AM)**

**Amy** : it’s probably just a bad cold or something. are your parents home?

**(12:24 AM)**

**Amy** : karma?

 **Karma** : Sorry. Getting his stuff together. And no fucking of course they’re not. I’ll be fine. Text you later when I find out what’s going on. We’re leaving now.

**(12:25 AM)**

**Amy** : please let me know. im gonna wait up.

* * *

 

It’s learning to handle these things alone that makes Karma feel like she’s aged ten years by the time she throws her parent’s car in park in front of the hospital. Evan cries the whole way, putting her on edge, and she’s frazzled by the time they finally get up to the desk.

“He’s sick,” she inadvertently blurts out as soon as she makes eye contact with a woman in scrubs.

The nurse, who looks about her mother’s age, smiles and settles at the counter, says, “Okay, what’s been going on with this little guy?” and Karma immediately feels just a little bit better by the calm tone of her voice.

“He has a fever,” she manages to tell the woman before the tears come. “I’m so sorry - I just,” and then pauses to try to collect herself. “He’s never been sick and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Evelyn, or so the nametag says, moves to Karma’s side and reaches for Evan to let Karma breathe for a minute. “Ms-”

“It’s Karma.”

“Karma,” she echoes, gently, “why don’t you both come with me? We’ll get him set up so the doctors can come take a look at him. You did the right thing bringing him in if he has a high fever. Is anyone with you?”

“No,” Karma breathes out, running her hands over her face. “It’s just me.”

“That’s fine, come over here and we’ll get him settled. Does this little one have a name?”

“It’s Evan,” Karma finally says as they make their way to a small exam room. Evelyn places him in a crib with high bars, rechecks his temperature, and frowns when she notes the numbers on the thermometer. “Is everything okay?”

“He does have a fever. He’s up to 103, I’m gonna let the doctors know so they can come examine him too. It’s good you brought him in so we can see what’s going on and we can treat him. Don’t beat yourself up - they get sick. I have two of my own,” Evelyn tells her with a small touch to the shoulder before leaving them.

“What happened to you, Ev? How’d you get so sick?” Karma whispers, inching closer to his crib just to be near to him.

“Ma,” he mutters sadly, bleary eyed and drowsy with his blanket bear in hand.

“Mommy’s right here. I’m not leaving you and we’re going to make you better,” she tells him, smiling sadly when she notices his toy. She hadn’t even realized he brought it along, but ever since Amy gave it to him he won’t settle without it.

Doctors come in and out, Karma doesn’t even get most of their names or what their credentials are, but she’s seen enough _Grey’s Anatomy_ to know that some are residents just learning, and some are attendings that have the final say on things. But it’s Evelyn that she sees most of the time, and she’s the one that simplifies all the doctor talk when everything feels like it’s threatening to overwhelm.

“We’ll have respiratory down here soon, Miss Ashcroft, in the meantime his nurse will get an IV started to rehydrate and with some airway treatments he should start to feel a little better - I’ll have a resident come back in for some consents,” he says noncommittally before leaving, but Karma feels like she understood all of absolutely _nothing_.

“So, he has RSV?” she finally asks as Evelyn moves around the room gathering supplies and medications. “What does that mean?”

“It stands for respiratory syncytial virus,” she explains easily before giving Evan a spoonful of medicine that he grudgingly swallows with her coercing. “That was tylenol for his fever - we need to work on getting that down first. But, basically, it’s a nasty virus a lot of kids under two end up with this time of year. It’s common, but can be dangerous because it effects his airways.”

“But it’s fixable?”

“We can treat his symptoms, but with viruses you kind of have to let them run their course - I know that’s not what you were hoping for, but he’ll be feeling a lot better if we at least get rid of that nasty cough” she keeps laying out a table of different things that make Karma’s eyes go wide. “Right, Evan? We’re going to get rid of that cough and get rid of that fever,” she coos at Evan in a smaller voice, and it makes Karma feel fractionally better that she’s not some nasty old woman, she has his best interests at heart.

A doctor re-enters and she blindly signs off on some papers because she can’t really take her eyes off her little boy, he looks so small in the crib since the bars are raised to make sure there’s no climbing out.

“Is - what are you going to do exactly?” Karma finally asks, digging her nails into her thighs when she notices needles on the tray for the first time.

Evelyn looks up at the question and pauses to answer. “We need to start an IV. The fever dehydrated him, and sometimes having the extra fluids on board along with the Tylenol will help reduce the fever. Our priority is getting him back to a normal temperature. It’s my job to be honest with you, Karma, his fever being this high can be dangerous.”

The nurse is kind and soothing, but tears unwillingly fill her eyes again even as she’s trying to be brave - for herself, for him - she’s trying to be a mom that can put her own shit aside and be there for her kid and it’s harder than she thought.

“If you need to step out-”

“No,” she interjects, bracing herself for what’s coming. “I’ll be fine. He needs me.”

A second nurse comes in to help make sure he doesn’t squirm while Evelyn starts to eye his tiny arm for veins, says, “I know this is no fun, Evan, but I promise I’m trying to help you, okay?” and Karma honestly feels like she might throw up when he won’t stop crying. She feels _helpless_ , and like she’s just failing in all aspects when he keeps looking at her through swollen eyes for some kind of reprieve. His cries turn into heart wrenching screams the longer he’s being held, and she almost puts a stop to the whole thing until she hears her name.

“Karma-” a voice says from the doorway, she’d know that voice anywhere. Amy’s arms are wrapped around her in seconds, and it’s more comfort than any words ever would be. Just having her here means more.

“What are you-”

“I came for you,” Amy says simply, leading them both to the crib where she sticks her hands through the bars to hold his. “E, c’mon buddy, I’m here too. You’re gonna feel better if we just let the nurse do her job, kay?”

He doesn’t stop crying, just works himself up so much that he can’t stop coughing, and Karma feels frantic as she moves forward to try to calm him down too. “Evan, sweetheart, I love you. You’ll be done in just a minute, baby.”

“Is this normal?” Amy finally asks the second nurse.

“I know it’s hard to watch, but it’s to help him,” she replies with a gesture to his current state, continues with, “no kid takes this well, but Evelyn will get him on the first try, she’s the best we have for IV sticks,” and strokes his face a few times with her free hand to make some attempt at comfort. Amy nods and holds his hand tightly, keeps whispering words of reassurance that seem to do nothing.

It feels like the ninth circle of hell until Evelyn gets his IV in, he looks like he’s in a tiny restraint when she’s finally done taping his arm to a board to keep it straight, and his eyes are so swollen and bloodshot from crying that Karma’s pretty sure he’s going to have PTSD from the entire experience. It’s a toss up whether she feels worse that he’s sick, or that she brought him here to fix it, and ended up subjecting him to _that_.

She looks at Evan in the crib, whimpering while he holds his blanket bear, the IV pole in the corner, his taped up arm, and finally starts crying in earnest at the whole night. Amy’s quick to wrap an arm around her shoulders, pull her in close, and kisses the top of her head before saying, “Hey, he’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna make sure he gets better.”

Karma sniffles a few times and wipes her nose on her sleeve. “This is - I can’t stand seeing him like this.”

“I can’t either,” Amy finally says, a few tears escaping her eyes as she blinks. “Why didn’t you just ask me to come home? You shouldn’t have to do this by yourself.”

“Amy, I can’t ask you to drive all the way here for things like this,” she explains gently as she stands to kneel at the side of the crib again. “I have to learn to do this alone.”

“You don’t _have_ to do anything alone,” Amy says with a sigh, standing to pace. “You still don’t get it do you?” Karma turns to look back at Amy, her hand wrapped around Evan’s as he dozes off having finally exhausted himself. “I don’t know how to do anything _but_ be here. I’m here because I want to be, Karma.”

Her eyes widen, she’s finally rendered speechless, and Amy just looks like she’s said too much. It looks like words escaped that were buried so far under the surface they never should’ve seen the light of day. She can’t help but feel bad that Amy was forced into blurting confessions she never should’ve had to make.

“But what about-”

“Karma, hey, how’s he doing?” Nic walks in with three coffees in hand, kisses Amy on the cheek, and moves to hand over the disposable cup to Karma first.

“Nic,” Karma says, finishing her sentence lamely. “He’s doing a little better. We’re working on his fever, the nurse said respiratory should be here in five or ten minutes to help him breathe a little easier.”

Nic’s eyes are sympathetic and it feels like the guilt looms heavily in the room between the three of them. “I’m glad. Poor guy. Amy was insistent we drive in.”

Amy clears her throat a few times, eyes everywhere but on Karma. “I didn’t wanna make you come all this way,” she says to Nic, and then finally glances to the crib. “Nic was, um, we were about to go to bed when I got your text and you know I don’t have my car, I was gonna take a bus, but she said she’d drive, so here we are,” she finally gets out, exhaling heavily at the end.

“Thank you,” Karma finally says, directing it to both of them. “I really appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to.”

“Amy was coming with or without me,” Nic says, softly, shooting Amy a knowing look. “I didn’t want her taking the bus at one in the morning by herself.”

Amy blushes, sort of shrinks into the corner, and an awkward silence settles. Karma doesn’t know if Nic heard any part of their conversation, doesn’t know if she just _knows_ something that she herself is not privy to regarding Amy. But it’s been months of convincing herself that Amy’s in love with this girl, that this is the girl that makes her best friend happy, and she’s determined to _not_ be what fucks that up for her again.

They sit like that for long, quiet minutes - minutes that make Karma antsy and she almost tells them both to leave, but instead she focuses on Evan, watches carefully as the respiratory therapist puts a tiny mask over his face to use the nebulizer. He fusses a few times, whimpering while Karma holds his hand again to try to distract him from what’s going on. It’s disheartening when he finally sort of just gives up the fight and lays there looking at her tiredly, like he doesn’t have the energy to keep pushing it all away.

Amy and Nic stay on opposite sides of the room, both of them eyeing the treatment with immense focus every time Karma looks back. It feels like she did something wrong, but really, she’s not the one with a significant other - she’s not the one tossing someone to the side to be there for someone else. Sure, she’s glad Amy’s here, has no idea how she would’ve gotten through the night without that extra support when Evan was at his worst, but she didn’t _make_ Amy come. She didn’t tell her to go flying down an hour and a half of highway back to Austin at one in the morning.

* * *

 

Molly eventually breaks up the silence when she and Lucas come hurling into the room, worry evident on both of their faces. Amy excuses herself and Nic to the cafeteria for snacks, Lucas heads for the crib where Evan is dozing again, and Molly pulls Karma in for the most intense hug she’s ever received.

“Honey, why didn’t you call us?”

Karma sighs and pulls back. “I didn’t wanna worry you guys. You’ve been busy. I need to learn to be able to handle this stuff.”

“Karma…” Molly says with a shake of her head and a deep breath. “No one has to do this kind of thing alone. You’re not any less of a mother because _you_ need support too. You’re a single mother - most people have a significant other to count on, there’s nothing wrong with calling us for help,” she stops, then adds, “Or Amy,” with a knowing smile.

“Mom, I didn’t call her. She just showed up.”

“As if that girl would ever be anywhere else when you need her,” her mom tells her, like it’s something Karma’s forgotten since Amy went off to college. “She loves Evan you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And we do too,” she reminds, looking over to Lucas who’s still leaning over the crib. “Karma, dear, please try to remember you don’t need to shut us out because you think you need to prove something.”

“I -- that’s never what I meant to do,” she tells them carefully, looking away, something like shame crossing her face. “And I’m .. I shouldn’t have kicked you out when I had him - at the hospital that day. You should’ve been there,” she says sadly, stopping for a moment to look back and forth between her parents. “It must’ve been hard, now that I know what it’s like to see your kid in pain and to just feel so .. helpless.”

Her mom nods, looks over at her dad who smiles at them both, and then he says, “That’s the hard part about this, sweetheart. Learning that you can’t fix everything for your child, no matter how much you want to. But, another thing you’ll learn is when you have to let go. We had to let you go that day, let you become a mother on your own terms, and Karma, we’d make the same decision today that we did then.”

It occurs to her then that she’s taken her parents and turned them into complete _weirdos_ in her own mind, but there’s so much to be learned from them. They may have been unconventional parents, and maybe when she was sixteen she would’ve killed for more traditional parenting, but now, Karma thinks they have so much to teach her if she’s only willing to stop pushing them away.

“How did you know we were here?” she asks moments later, even though she’s pretty sure she already knows.

“Amy called of course,” her dad says simply, like it’s common knowledge, and really by now, it probably should be.

They stay with Evan when Karma finally realizes she needs a break outside of the four walls of his room. Her mom waves her off, says she needs some “breathing room to reclaim her zen” and sends her out. It’s only then that she finally has a second to check her phone and notices a screen full of texts, all from the one person she wasn’t expecting.

**December 9 (03:18 AM)**

**Liam** : heard you took evan to the hospital. pls let me kno whats goin on

 **Liam** : i kno we werent on good terms when i left last time but i do care about what happens to him karma

**(03:47 AM)**

**Liam** : if youre mad at me i get it. but pls dont keep info from me on him

**(04:10 AM)**

**Liam** : if you dont answer me by 5 im going to come up to the hospital.

**(04:32 AM)**

**Karma** : Hey. I’m sorry I really haven’t looked at my phone. He’s doing okay. He has an IV right now and got some Tylenol and a nebulizer treatment. Doctors said he has RSV and it’s common in kids his age. His fever is coming down. My parents are with him.

**(04:35 AM)**

**Liam** : but hes going to be ok?

**(04:36 AM)**

**Karma** : Yeah they’re just watching him. Making sure he gets rehydrated. Thanks for checking on him.

 **Liam** : amy text me. said she thought i should know. wish you wouldve told me tho. our kids in the hospital i can still be worried about him.

**(04:37 AM)**

**Liam** : im sorry for how things ended the last time we spoke. was hoping we could meet up to try to talk again.. it wont be like last time. promise. i have some things id like to say. been talking to robin and zita a lot about our situation. let me know if thats something youd be interested in.

**(04:40 AM)**

**Karma** : I’ll think about it. Let me get back to you after I get some rest today.

 **Liam** : thats fine. update me if anything changes?

**(04:41 AM)**

**Karma** : Sure. Night.

 **Liam** : nite to both of you. amy too.

The one eighty from Liam is surprising, and then not. The entire experience with him has been a whirlwind, and things have been back and forth ever since that afternoon in his kitchen when she revealed the truth. But it’s still hard - it’s hard to be the one that decides if Evan has his father in his life if there’s any chance at all that Liam could change.

Is part of being a parent doing what’s best for your child even if it goes against your own personal preferences? Probably. And it’s why Karma actually considers having this conversation with him when all of this blows over. It’s going to be eighteen years of fighting if they don’t figure their shit out at some point and that’s never what she wanted for Evan, she’s never wanted him to be in the middle of his parents, and if having a conversation with Liam can make anything in the world easier for Evan - well, after tonight she never wants to see him hurting again, especially not if it’s something that she can fix.

“Hey, you okay?” Amy asks as she approaches. “You look deep in thought.”

Karma sighs. “You told Liam.”

“I -- yeah, I know you guys aren’t exactly talking, and he’s not my favorite fucking person on the earth, but I didn’t know what was wrong with him, and if it was something really serious he should know. Like it or not, Evan’s _his_ kid.”

“Ames, I shouldn’t have said… You -- I’m glad you’re here. You _should_ be here. You’re not obligated to, but you…” she pauses, sucking in a breath to make it through, “Amy, you’re more of a parent to him than anyone else. You always have been. Just because we never called it the P word, just because we call you aunt Amy -- you’ve been here for him. You’ve always showed up, when it’s hard, when we have no idea what we’re doing with him - you’re the one that shows up, day in and day out. That’s what being a parent means to me. And I shouldn’t have tried to take that away from you that day.”

Amy’s eyes are suspiciously shiny as she braces herself against the wall, bites her lip a few times before answering. “I don’t know how to do this with you, Karma,” she suddenly admits, Karma raises her eyebrows and gestures for her to continue. “I don’t know how this is supposed to work. How to demand access to him when I’m with someone else -- or how to explain to someone like Nic why my best friend and her kid are always going to be put ahead of her. I can be here.. I _will_ be here, but at the end of the day I don’t really have a leg to stand on if you wanna take him away, or you decide he shouldn’t be around who I’m dating, or we’re fighting...”

“I wouldn’t take him away from you,” Karma says immediately, leaning back against the wall too. “That’s not an option. He loves you.”

“Yeah, I know he does,” Amy’s voice cracks in all the places that make the whole thing hurt more. “And I love him too. I love you both. But how is this supposed to work? I know Liam wants to talk to you again about seeing him more -”

“Yeah, and? It’s not like I’m just going to forgive all the shit he’s put me through for the last ten months.”

“No, but I _know_ you,” she says quietly, pausing to run a hand over her face before continuing, “I know that you wouldn’t keep Liam from him if he came back for the right reasons. I know how you feel about my dad and everything that happened. And what then, Karma? We do every third weekend?”

And then it clicks, everything Amy’s trying to say. “You’re in college now, I don’t expect you to come home every third weekend to see us. I thought what we were doing was working.”

“And what about after?” she asks with a small shrug. “What about when I graduate and I get really serious with someone? And what about if I have my own kids?”

It’s not something Karma has an answer for - it’s another instance where The Future is so far off that she hadn’t really gone that far down the line to figure out how this weird arrangement they have might work.

She rests her head back against the wall, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. “If you don’t want to do this -- if it’s ten years down the line and you have your own kids and this doesn’t --”

“Damn it, Karma,” Amy grunts out, fists balled at her sides in frustration. “When are you going to understand? This weird fucking limbo we’re in isn’t going to work forever,” she moves so she’s directly in front of Karma, eyes dark and serious. “When I found out he needed to go to the hospital I wanted to throw up I was so scared. And Nic couldn’t really understand -- no one I’m with is ever _really_ going to understand the way I care about you both. You’re right, I’m the one that shows up, but what happens if I can’t? What happens if my own kid is sick, and Evan needs me, and he thinks I abandoned him? Karma, you can’t call me the P word when you’re making it a part time job for me. Being that to him -- being that _for_ him is a full time job, and that kid doesn’t deserve a part time parent.”

“So what are you saying?” Karma finally asks, staring at Amy, daring her to just say it.

“I’m -- I don’t know what I’m saying. And I don’t wanna say something I can’t take back,” she admits after a few long moments, moves away until there’s _too much_ space between them, something that is only going to become more and more common as time goes by.

Karma looks away, shakes her head to swallow back the lump in her throat, and nods in some sort of acknowledgment. Instead of saying anything else, she just gives Amy’s hand a firm squeeze and heads for the front door to get some air because all of this added on top of everything that’s happened with Evan just feels like a little too much.

* * *

 

Nic is sitting on the bench in front of the hospital, cigarette between her lips, and it just fucking figures. When Karma actually needs alone time it's like she can't escape all the things that she’s actually trying to escape from.

“I've been wondering when you were going to take a break,” Nic comments through an exhale of smoke.

Karma laughs lightly, sits gingerly on the bench a few inches away, and looks out at the dimly lit sky ahead of them. “You don't really get breaks from having a baby… or so I've heard.”

“No, I suppose not,” Nic agrees with a slight shrug. “Can I interest you?” she holds out the pack of cigarettes with a kind smile, “I find they help with relaxing a bit.”

It's hard to say no, all she really wants to do is take it and inhale a few good mouthfuls of the chemicals and feel the wave of serenity wash over. But she's a mother now, and decisions aren't based solely on her own needs and wants, and nothing about taking that cigarette would be about him.

“As much as I’d love one, and God do I want to -- Evan and…”

“I admire you, Karma,” the whole thing is so abrupt that she can't help the shocked expression at Nic’s words.

“ _You_ admire _me_?” she echoes, astonished at the twist this conversation has taken.

Nic nods, gently flicking the cigarette, ridding it of the ash. “You’re selfless… in a way that I don't think a lot of people would know how to be.”

“I’m not-” she tries, but Nic carries on, ignoring the interruption entirely. “You're selfless when it comes to your son. When it comes to Amy.”

“Amy?” Karma’s face screws in confusion, still looking over when Nic finally meets her eyes.

“I'm not… unaware of Amy’s feelings towards you,” she finally admits after a beat, inhaling the smoke deeply as she glances away, “or, your feelings toward her,” she adds, a wistful smile gracing her features. “I'll always be second to you and Evan, Karma -- I've known that for some time now. But it occurred to me tonight that Amy didn't _choose_ be with me, not exactly.”

“Of course she did, no one _made_ her date you,” Karma’s quick to defend Amy, completely ignoring the first parts of Nic’s statement because she just _can’t_ , but her heart’s beating out of her chest at what this is very quickly coming down to.

“No, no one made her,” Nic concedes, finally stubbing the cigarette out on the ground before standing. “But let's not pretend Amy’s with me for any reason other than the fact that her first choice was no longer an option.”

* * *

 

Somehow, it feels like everything blew up in her face tonight, and she has no idea how the fuck that even _happened_. This entire hospital trip was about Evan, _everything_ is about Evan, and she just keeps getting wrapped up in her own drama in the midst of it. The walk back to his room feels forty times longer than it was before, and the pale white walls are just adding to her annoyance.

Instead of finding her parents with Evan, she sees Amy kneeling at the crib again, his tiny hand enveloped in hers.

“I can’t pick you up yet, buddy, but soon, I promise,” Amy tells him, gently, as she uses her free hand to wipe at her eyes - or so Karma assumes since all she can really see from the doorway is the back of her head.

“Mi?” he croaks out, not quite mastering the sound of the ‘A,’ and Amy laughs lightly, scooting in closer until she can lean her forehead against the bars.

“Yeah, E, that’s me,” she manages, and Karma knows what it sounds like when she’s about to cry, so it seems as good a time as any to interrupt.

“That’s the first time he’s ever said that,” Karma says as she kneels next to Amy, smiling sadly.

“I -- I usually hate when people mess up my name, but I don’t even care if he can’t say it right, yet. It’s perfect.”

“He loves you, Amy,” she says sincerely, pausing to gauge her reaction. “He’s -- there’s nothing you can do or say that would change that. There’s no amount of time you could be gone that would make him not look at you like you put the stars in his sky.”

Amy grins, says, “I should put some of those up in his room, don’t want him to give me credit for something I didn’t do,” and manages to change the subject entirely.

“Can’t have that,” Karma agrees, leaning a little to the left to nudge Amy’s shoulder with her own. “How’d you end up on baby duty?”

“Your parents went to get some coffee, or green tea, or whatever in the almighty _hell_ they drink these days,” she shrugs. “And Nic went back - she has a test today I think? It’s fine I’ll have my mom or Lauren drive me back eventually.”

“You don’t have to stay, really. We’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, I know you will. But I’m not here because I thought you wouldn’t be, you know that.”

“Yeah,” Karma finally breathes out. Amy’s always been the one that believed in her, even in all those times when Karma couldn’t find it in her to believe in herself.

“Karma?” Evelyn calls from the doorway, and they both turn around to see what she has to say. “If you wanna take him out to hold him, you can. His IV is still running so just watch the tubing, but I’m sure he could use a few cuddles,” she smiles before turning away and Karma’s world gets just a little bit easier at her words.

“Thank _god_ ,” she murmurs, reaching in for him immediately, chuckling when his little hands make fists in the fabric of her shirt. “I’m not gonna put you down, baby, we’re right here.”

“We’re right here, Ev,” Amy confirms, pulling the other chair as close to them as she can after they get settled. She runs her hands through his hair a few times and leans over to kiss his forehead, pauses and finally decides to softly kiss Karma’s cheek too. “We’re right here.”


End file.
